(Closed) Oh, he’s just your boyfriend? No big deal then. (long rant)

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 32
Member
600 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2006

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@UpstateCait: I’m a firm believer that “status” should be based on relationship length rather than titles. Just because 2 people are married or engaged, does not mean that their relationships are any more serious than a couple who has been dating for just as long or longer.

I think that’s what pisses me off when people get engaged after like 2 seconds and then say something like “oh, your boyfriend.”  It’s like they’re saying their relationship is somehow better than mine because they’re engaged.  Not for a second taking into account that we’ve been together for more than half a decade and have dealt with some pretty f’ing difficult stuff in that span of time.  That’s why I love love love here at WB people use the term SO because I hate that boyfriend has those connotations of reduced status.

Post # 33
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I had a friend who, when interviewing, call her then boyfriend her Fiance because she didn’t want to sound silly at her age.  But I think that was more part of her wishful thinking… nowadays it’s not uncommon to be older w/a boyfriend because of the rate of divorce. 

I don’t know why it matters truthfully.  We are who we are and we’re wherever we’re at with the people in our lives.  And when it comes to something like death… come on now.  Have some more compassion.

Post # 34
Member
2319 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Oh and another thing…. My FI’s family is very orthodox. His mother BARELY EVER spoke to me during our ‘bf-gf’ phase. In the very early stages of our relationship (think 3-6 months), when he used to take me to his family get-togethers (which I WAS invited to) I would get introduced as “his friend” by his mom to relatives I didn’t know yet. I didn’t find it offensive at that time because I figured she’s just trying to save her son embarrassment incase we broke up.

We were together for 2+ years and no one in his family really took our relationship seriously. His mom especially. And then after we got engaged, BAM! Now I get some respect. (Keyword: some!) I find that to be strangely offensive though. (But his family is batsh*t crazy so their thinking is messed up to begin with!)

Post # 35
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I’ve been with my SO for 4.5 years, and I have definitely dealt with this kind of situation. We know we’re getting married and even have a tentative date that we plan on getting married, but I don’t consider us engaged until he officially proposes. So typically if there’s a situation that calls for our relationship to sound more substantial (when his granfather passed away and I needed time off from class), I call him my fiance. If it’s just me talking about him to someone I just met or something though, I call him my boyfriend (although to be honest, it’s starting to make me cringe…he’s saving money for my ring right now so I know it’s coming soon, but the term “bf” is starting to sound so juvenile to me now). I’m sorry they didn’t take into account that you might be grieving as well.

 

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@UpstateCait: I totally agree! People that got married after 7 months who never lived together trying to explain to me how wonderful marriage is and how we should blah blah blah….DRIVES ME BONKERS! I don’t mean to say that their relationship is any less special than mine, but the truth of the matter is that I’ve been through a lot more with my SO than they have with their husband and I don’t appreciate them trying to tell me how different my relationship will be once we’re married. It’s different for them because they haven’t experienced the same things! For us day to day life will not change after we’re married. uggghhhh (end rant)

Post # 36
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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@Bostongrl25:

@CaitMarae: Haha I like that term! Ive been calling him my domestic partner as a joke…he doesn’t like that term lol

 

HAHA… I can just immagine the look of disgust on my boyfriend’s face if I said that…

Post # 37
Member
4753 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@mightywombat: I have *always* called my man “partner.” I hate, hate, hate the term fiance. I just despise it (I’m aware no one here feels the same and that’s fine, I’m on the wedding board so that’s a given). He’s either referred to my ‘boyfriend’ (when talking to friends and stuff). If I’m talking more on a professional level (work or school) I refer to him as my ‘partner’. I’m corrected often, I just say yes, Finace but I prefer to call him my parter, as he is just that, a partner in life, in money, in school, in jobs we’re partners. My reason is simple partner is way more serious of a term than boyfriend. Generally reserved for same sex couples who are serious in their partnerships. I don’t give a hoot in hell if anyone assumes I’m gay because I use this term. In fact I enjoy the ambiguity of it, in all honesty 😛

It’s a good suggestion though- use the term partner is sounds more serious. It could also imply being gay (but for a gal like me that’s cool), depending on the audience.

Post # 38
Member
10283 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@mg1363: Same with us! By the time our wedding rolls around, we will have been living together for about 6 years and had combined finances for 3. Literally NOTHING will change except for my last name. We’re already as married as two people can be without it being legal.

Getting married after 6 months of dating and never living together is VERY different than getting married after 6 years of dating and maintaining a joint household for almost that entire time. I have to bite my tongue whenever our married friends make comments about married life as though we have no idea what their talking about. Newsflash, we knew that shit long before you did!

Post # 39
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think we need to come up with a term for the period in the relationship where he’s MORE than your bf and almost your fiance.

Hmm.

Boiance?

Boyfi?

That sexy beast of a man over there that I’ve been doing the hippity dippity with for the past XXX amount of years?

GvD

Post # 40
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Actually, colleges are just really difficult (usually) about funerals. I was worried because my great grandma passed just two weeks ago, and the funeral was the week before spring break, and on the specific day that 3 of my 4 classes had scheduled midterms. Luckily the teachers were all pretty accommodating, but I’ve heard some say they will only allow makeup exams for immediate family funerals only: parents, siblings, and grandparents… She was my great grandma so not “immediate” by their terms. I don’t know how it would work if it were for my husband’s family. Its frustrating and just another reminder of not being engaged officially yet, so I can see why you’d vent. I’d be ticked if people didn’t take my very serious relationship seriously either.

Post # 41
Member
3586 posts
Sugar bee

I don’t think they meant anythign about him being your boyfriend, but more in “Someone died, it happens,Oh,well.” Some ppl are like that, most times, those who haven’t lost anyone close to them.

Sorry about your SO’s dad. ((((hugs))))

Post # 42
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@mg1363: Ooooh, yeah, I hear you on the living together thing.  We’ve been living together for two years, been together (think practically married buy living long distance) for six more years for a total of eight.  I KNOW how hard a relationship is, people!  DO NOT need you, who have just started dating, telling me about it!  

Kinda like my brother trying to tell ME how to raise a kid, when I had one for over a year before HE DID.  *rolls eyes*

Also, here’s what I deal with at my workplace:

I AM engaged, HAVE BEEN for 8 years, going on nine, and everyone calls him my BOYFRIEND!  

Hello! I’m wearing a ring on the All Important Finger!  We’re getting married next year!  Do I need a marriage certificate for him to be something OTHER than a boyfriend?!?!?  Which makes NO SENSE when others around here have been engaged and gotten married and their fiances were CALLED their fiance!  

GAH!  ANNOYING!  And I’ve TOLD EVERYONE I’m enaged, to boot!  Haven’t kept it a secret AT ALL since I started!

annoyed?  irriated? noooo, not in the least!

Post # 43
Member
634 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I see what you mean. Before Fiance and I got engaged we used to refer  to each other as ‘partner’ to other people, I think people did take our relationship more seious then.

Post # 44
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I experience this a lot, I think. The only reason I say I think is because sometimes I wonder if I am reading into it more than the person I’m talking to is. I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 6.5 years, and about 2 years ago we moved 1,300+ miles away from home and we’re living together. Whenever I meet someone new in a work situation, I dread the “so what brought you here?” questions. I think if I said “my fiance got a job here” they would just accept it, but as it is now at least 50% of people ask if we’re “even still together.” I guess the idea of moving so far for a boyfriend is incomprehensible to some people, even though we’d been together for over 5 years when the move happened.

I totally agree – we need a term for a long-term boyfriend/girlfriend situation.

Post # 45
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@GwenvonD: Boyfi!  Love it!

Post # 46
Member
199 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@mg1363 As an instructor at a university, I can say it is sometimes hard to negotiate around issues like this. Most of the time, we want to be sympathetic, but also feel the need to uphold the standards we set for missing class. I can say that I (along with most of the folks I work with) have actually talked about how we *want* to be lienient, but it is difficult if students don’t tell us anything past the very basics. While I completely understand and respect that sometimes students don’t want to give specifics, it both pulls on our heartstrings and makes it easier to understand how to help if we have more detail. 

Clearly, I have no idea who your professors are or their personalities, but I can tell you the best course for my students may be a follow-up email. Thank the prodessor for their understanding, subtly stress how close you were to the father (ie, you’re not just going for the boyfriend), and provide a timeline for how long you’ll be gone, make sure to stress that you’re keeping up with coursework while you’re away. Some of my colleagues also request students send a link to the obituary, both to double check the information and to be able to understand a little more about the loss the student suffered. 

Sorry, this turned out longer than I expected, but maybe some of it could be useful in addressing your professors. While the boyfriend tag could have been a part of it, sometimes we just don’t know what the student needs/wants. Provides a reasonable amount of information and keep them in the loop. 

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