(Closed) Oh, he’s just your boyfriend? No big deal then. (long rant)

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 47
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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Me too!!!  I don’t feel strongly one way or the other about the term fiance, but I liked calilng him my partner before we were engaged. I feel like that describes what we ARE – we are partners in life, each giving as much as we take, and picking up the slack for the other person when necessary.  It also didn’t bother me in the slightest if it made some people assume that I was gay. 

Of course, that’s also easier for me because I live in a state and a region that is much more matter-of-fact about homosexuality than in many parts of the country. I <3 Massachusetts so hard.

Post # 48
9814 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mrand2008: I don’t think your professors were saying it’s “no big deal” that someone died, but they obviously have no way of knowing the backstory there.

Professors get BS excuses all the time, you know? My Brit Lit professor told us that without fail every time final papers are due he is flooded with emails about dead grandparents. So you have to look at it from their angle as well.

Not to mention yeah, in the typical college environment most couples have only been together for a short time. Sure there are exceptions, but normally that’s how it is.

But that said I am sorry for your loss and you should definitely follow up to explain your situation a bit more. Wishing you and your BF the best during this time.

Post # 50
535 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

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@UpstateCait: I completely agree with you. Fiance and I have been together for nearly 5 years (in May).  Before we got engaged (at a little over 4 years), I got the sense that calling him my “boyfriend” meant that we were somehow less than friends who were already engaged/married.  A girl I went to high school with got engaged near Thanksgiving and married last month.  Her FB status the other day said “Happy 7 months to the love of my life!” AKA they were together for a relatively short period before they got married.  AND we are 21/22 years old. (Not saying anything against finding your soulmate quickly and deciding to commit AT ALL…just giving an example of another situation)

I guess it just bothers me because Fiance and I have been together for so long and because of that we have been through A LOT of stuff together. We have leaned on each other through rough times and we have experienced years of great times too.  It just doesn’t seem fair that because we aren’t married yet that we should be lower on the relationship totem pole than the couple who just met 7 months ago and are now married. 

Oh well, I guess the main thing is that WE are happy 🙂 and getting married 3 months from today!

Post # 51
3456 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Just to chime in here with another professor perspective.  I’ve found in the short term I’ve been teaching that students have TONS of excuses for everything.  It’s really quite disappointing to be honest, because when I was a student I never tried to bargain with my professors and never failed to turn in work or show up for tests.  As a student, my grandmother passed away during finals week.  I don’t remember the exact sequence, but I think I had 2-3 days between finals to drive 7 hours to the funeral, attend the funeral, and get back.  I told my professor, but didn’t expect an accomodation because it was possible to get back in time (though goodbye study time).

I would like to believe every student that claims to be not feeling well or have a funeral to attend, but it’s impossible.  Last term the student who missed class frequently including the day of them midterm (provided no excuse/reason), had a grandmother pass away when a paper was due, and plagarized the final paper.  You tell me your gut reaction if that grandmother really passed away…  Generally, the more attentive of a student you are, the more likely I am to believe you when something bad happens, however, I can’t “play favorites” and need to be fair to all students by requiring some type of corrobation of your story, whether that’s a doctor’s note or a funeral program.  I wish I didn’t have to ask students to bring in documentation, particularly in the case of funerals, but as a sample of what I’m dealing with – this term I have only 50 students, and since classes started in mid-January, I have 3 with funerals already. 

Post # 52
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think older people discredit younger relationships- and college professors can be a little insensitive regarding young person relationships (think about all the emails they get from young adults who have been dating a few months).

I think most people will agree when someones hears the word “boyfriend”without knowing the situation it doesn’t sound as serious as husband or fiance. I think when you have a  major issue like this it’s okay to tell a white lie and say “my father in law…”

Post # 53
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

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@jldown2: I think you meant this for the OP.

When my SO’s grandfather died I just said that it was my “FI’s grandfather” and didn’t have any issues. My professors were pretty understanding, but I didn’t think that saying my “boyfriend’s grandfather” had died would get the same response as it’s hard for professors (etc) to understand the significance of your relationship when you say boyfriend (because you could have been with them for 2 weeks or 10 years). I was just telling the OP that sometimes it’s better to just change the terms to fit your relationship based on the situation you’re dealing with.

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