Post # 1
My Fiance and I agreed on no children, with the exception of first cousins, for our wedding. We are both young (23) and in professional schools. This wedding is coming mostly out of our own pockets and our goal is to pay completely in cash. So far so good, but we MUST stay on budget to make this happen. By not inviting children we save about $1000 (we have TONS of distant relatives with small children, none of whom we are close to). Our wedding is on a Friday evening is also going to be fairly formal. We will have an open bar with lots of 20-somethings who enjoy getting wild on the dance floor. Not exactly kid friendly, we thought.
So far our families have been okay with our decision (which wasn’t made lightly). However, my aunt (my mother’s sister) is acting like my Fiance and I are absolutely HORRIBLE for doing this.
I explained to her why children were not invited (including her three very young grandchildren). She was furious because that means her son probably won’t travel from OOS with the grandkids, and therefor she will miss out on an opportunity to see the grandkids.
She has already told her son that it would be okay to bring one of his children to our wedding, and she was sure that if she showed up to the reception with the small child it would not be a big deal. She thinks I’m being spoiled and just not reasonable in my request that no children be brought to our wedding. Besides, she wants to see her precious grandchild so the hell to my wishes. My aunt and I do not have a good relationship and her power struggle with me is putting my poor mother in the middle of it all. What more do I do (on top of explaining to her AGAIN why it is not okay for one kid to come and all the other kids to not be allowed) to get this through her head that this is a very rude thing to do??? The child will NOT be on the invite or on the RSVP card but I don’t know if that will stop my aunt or not.
Am I really being that unreasonable??
What would I do if she brings the kid anyway? There won’t be a place for the kiddo to sit!
Post # 3
No kid. You’re in the right. Budgetary and space restrictions are your allies here. Have your mom call her and deal with it. She’ll have more power.
Post # 4
Set up a high chair in the coat room (kidding!!!)
I would contact her son directly and say that I understand your mom has said that it will be fine to bring little tommy to the wedding but I feel very awkward about having to clarify this. Then go on to say what you mean to. Obviously your aunt isn’t getting the message!
Post # 5
That’s awful! Can you call your cousin and explain the situation?
Post # 6
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all! We are only inviting one kid, and that’s FI’s brother who is 11. We have gotten A LOT of flack for this decision, and it’s also not one we made lightly. IMO if they bring the kids I probably wouldn’t make a big deal about it, but I would explain that there will be no seating or food for the kid(s) if they decide to stay because the children were not accounted for when doing the final numbers. Of course, if they do stay you would have to feed the children ( they can’t starve lol) but at least you know the parents/grandparents will know what an inconvience they are being.
I’m sorry you have to deal with this, it’s so not fair that on top of all the other stressers, you have to worry about this.
Best of luck!
Post # 7
i also do not think you are being unreasonable – its your event, youre paying for it, you have every right to decide who is and is not invited
Post # 8
I would call your cousin and deal with him. I know some of my family members will try to pull that and they will be asked to leave, but of course can return without the kid. I guess i can be mean like that.
If your aunt wants to see the kids so bad she should watch them herself instead of comming to the wedding or find a sitter for the wedding so she can see them before and after.
Post # 9
Why is it so hard for some people to understand that you have to cut the guest list somewhere? It’s just as frustrating for the bride and groom as it is for the people who can’t make the guest list. Unfortunately, not everyone has an the cash to invite every person they ever met, and their spouse/so/children. Back to your post… 🙂 I’m sure your cousin will understand. If you’re close enough, I would give him a call and politely explain the budget constraints and that you understand if he won’t be able to attend from out of state.
Post # 10
That you everyone for your responses! It makes me feel SOOO much better to know that I’m totally within my rights to feel this way.
I’m going to let the situation sit for awhile and then try talking to my cousin. The man does not have a spine when it comes to his mother, and if she tells him to bring the kid he will do it, no matter how much I talk to him beforehand. 🙁 Grrrrr…. I guess I’ll try speaking with her after I finish with him. I’m trying to keep my mom out of this as much as possible. Because I’m not currently, and never will be, close to my aunt I don’t feel I have much to loose from the conversation and can be more direct (but still polite). My mom still tries to have a good relationship with her though, so I’m going to see how much I can do on my own first. If I had my way she would not be at the wedding at all so the fact that she is trying to pull this infuriates me.
Again, thanks for listening to my rant!!
Post # 11
You’re definitely not being unreasonable. I agree that you should talk to your cousin. You say he doesn’t stand up to his mother yet, but that also means he probably knows how strong-willed she is. Let him know that there will not be a place for the kid – if he brings it, someone will have to leave with the child and miss the wedding.
Your aunt is not only putting your mother in the middle – she is inserting herself into an issue that is not her decision and not her business. If she wants to see her grandkids so much, she should skip your wedding and babysit your cousin’s children instead. It sounds like you wouldn’t be too broken up if she didn’t come, since you’re not close with her.
Post # 12
ummm security guard… thats all i have to say… plain and simple… if your not on the guest list… you dont get in… then hell realize he shoulda listened… i just dont understand people like that… LISTEN! and ya wont have problems… im sorry youre going through this nonsense.
Post # 13
I think you should first talk to the cousin directly. You can explain to him that this also goes beyond just you and your aunt and him–it will cause other people who weren’t allowed to bring their kids to feel left out and it’ll put you and your Fiance, the honorees, in a difficult position.
But, I’m of the opinion that if he does the gauche, gauche, gauche thing of bringing the kid anyway, you shouldn’t be the bride who turns a child away at the door because even though you’d be “right” you’d also be gauche(r). Chances are, someone who said that they’re coming won’t show up and there’ll be somewhere for the kid to sit–but even if there isn’t, you’ll be too busy with other things to notice or care. If it happens, don’t allow it to become your problem. Delegate it and leave it up to someone else to scrounge up a chair and give cousin the dagger eyes. Cousin (and Aunt) will get the message that it was dumb thing to do.
Post # 14
1. Talk to your cousin and let him know the extensive reasons why his child is not welcome at your wedding.
2. Suggest that he possibly bring the children along for his visit but find someone else to watch the children while he attends the wedding. Your aunt perhaps?
3. Tell your aunt NO! Tell her No repeatedly. She clearly cannot see reason so tell her No you may not bring your grandchild. No you may not bring your grandchild. No you may not bring your grandchild. Say it with me. 🙂
4. Do not inlcude the young one on the invitation or the RSVP. Remember to put ___ of 1/2 spots reserved for you. Maybe even go so far as writing his name directly on the RSVP.
5. Ask your mother to speak to your aunt. It is uncomfortable but it is something that needs to be done and your aunt obviously can’t see reason.
6. If all else fails and the child shows up it isn’t the biggest deal in the whole wide world but I’d probably throw in some snide comment when I saw her about how I hope getting her way makes her feel like a big girl.
I’m so sorry your dealing with someone who cares so little about your feelings.
Post # 15
I would speak directly to the cousin. You have been given good suggestions for the wording to use.
I would however, also ask the cousin if he needs any suggestions for a sitter to look after the child at the grandmother’s house, in case he wants to bring the child to visit the grandmother.
Post # 16
you need to tell her this is yalls wedding reception & yall get it the way yall want it for one day & this is how yall want it & she needs to respect it. lol i like that persons comment saying if she wants the kids to come visit soo much she can watch them during the reception. (: i would advise the same