Post # 1
I was talking about the topic of cheating with one of my good friends and found out some things she considers cheating:
1. If her SO watches porn.2. If her SO lusts over another woman that isn’t her.3. If her SO thinks about other women during sex. Also, she believes the only guys who think about other women during sex are those that watch a lot of porn.
I can’t make this crap up. I was completely stunned. I told my SO what she said and his response was “She’s not living in reality. She’ll never find a guy who can live even anywhere close to those standards.”
And not surprisingly, she has been cheated on several times. And she scares off most of the guys she pursues. She will never have a healthy relationship with that mindset.
When I told her I don’t care if my SO watches porn, if he lusts over chicks, who he thinks about during sex as long as he is faithful to me and as long as we have a healthy relationship, she was completely blown away. I told her it’s natural, healthy, and that there’s nothing wrong with it.
Lord help her.
Post # 4
I know people like that, both male & female. I think it’s an insecurity issue when a person feels the need to control their SO that much.
Post # 5
@pokie45: That seems extreme to me. I wonder if she’s getting cheated on because the guys who are willing to lie to her about not doing that stuff are the same guys who are okay with cheating on an SO. All guys do that stuff sometimes, so all her checklist is doing is helping her identify liars IMO.
Post # 6
@joya_aspera: Business she chose to share with me and ask for my stance on.
Post # 7
@pokie45: Yeah I don’t get it either. I think that by definition, cheating must involve another (real) person.
As far as the things she lists, I can’t say that I’d love the idea of my SO frequently watching porn, lusting over another woman, or thinking about someone else during sex, but I certainly wouldn’t call any of those things ‘cheating’.
Post # 8
@VAwife: It’s just an insane expectation, IMO.
Post # 9
I don’t think that it’s necessarily a question of insecurity, or of control. She may simply have high expectations of whomever she picks as her mate, and she has every right to do so.
Post # 10
@anothersmith: And he’ll never be able to live up to her expectations. And he’ll feel guilty every time he thinks about a woman other than her.
Post # 11
Some people have stricter “codes” than others. There are guys out there who don’t watch porn or lust over other women during sex or out of bed. Or who at least make it a goal to try to not do that stuff. I have known guys who wanted to try to avoid that and they were usually more religious. But they exist. I married one 🙂
Other women have different perspectives. That’s OK but I wouldn’t call her unrealistic. Just particular.
Post # 12
“1. If her SO watches porn.2. If her SO lusts over another woman that isn’t her.3. If her SO thinks about other women during sex. Also, she believes the only guys who think about other women during sex are those that watch a lot of porn.”
I agree with her. And my Fiance knows this. We both agree with eachother. In my mind there is a difference between noticing attractive and wanting attractive. And if he wants (lusts) for another attractive woman, I consider it borderline cheating. But we all make mistakes, if he ever acted on it by flirting or more I can’t say what I would do.
But my faith has a lot to do with this. “If you lust after another woman you should pluck your eye out for it’s better to loose an eye than loose your soul in hell” (or something like that, I’m never good at quotes)
I find other people attractive. But when we are in the room Fiance is the only one I’m with. The only one I want to be with. And I just couldn’t imagine wanting to be with anyone physically without caring about them and the only one I care about in that sense is my Fiance.
I still hold strong to the belief that sex is “love making” corny as that sounds. If he fantasizes about other women it seems he wants to make love to them and I’m not OK with that.
But I do try to keep it new with him. I frequently cut my hair drastically, do different styles and colors and dress differently to change it up for him. Make it seem like he’s with something new but me at the same time.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2014 - Smithfield Center
This isn’t a surprise to me. Many Christians ****NOT ALL ***** feel that lusting over a person that is not your spouse (and in most cases boyfriend/girlfriend, too) is cheating. I see the point of that mindset. I wouldn’t want my fiance lusting over someone either; porn is one’s own viewpoint against. I wouldn’t say she’ll never find someone like that – there are guys out there dedicated enough to not watch porn or lust over other girls. There’s a difference in thinking someone in passing is attractive, and actually thinking about them all the time/while having sex.
Post # 14
I agree with your friend, actually. Like PP said, there are obviously going to be times when one or both of you finds another man or woman attractive, and that’s okay, but it’s all about refusing to act on those thoughts.
If my Fiance is watching porn, he is not being faithful to me, as he is using those women as objects of his sexual fulfillment. The same rings true if he’s thinking of another woman during sex. There’s a huge difference between finding another person attractive and lusting after them.
Believe it or not, my Fiance is actually even stricter about what is and isn’t considered cheating than I am.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t call any of that “cheating,” but it’s all things that I am fully glad to be 100% confident that my Darling Husband doesn’t do.
It sounds like she might have other issues, but believing any of those 3 things is wrong, in and of itself, is NOT ridiculous.
Post # 16
I don’t get it…how can she control or monitor her SO’s thoughts? How could she find out that she had been “cheated on?”