(Closed) Oh no! Help me Bees!! My FI Is up to no good!!!!!!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would not call her.

I’d talk to your Fiance. But really, how can you trust him? Somebody who loves you wouldn’t do this to you.

Post # 48
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I would be RULING HIM DOWN right now, lol. There would be no waiting til he got home.

You’re getting married to this guy. You have every right to question him without feeling guilty when your mutual phone records are showing that he sent 2200 in 3 FREAKING DAYS.

Post # 49
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would be completely upfront with your Fiance. Tell him that you had logged on to check the minutes on the phone plan, and just happened to notice the drastic difference in texts between you two. Then say that you saw his texting was consistently with that random phone number in particular. Ask him who it is and see what he says from there. If he tries to pull the “you were snooping!” card–DON’T LET HIM. You are his Fiance. You share a phone plan. It is completely within your realm of responsibility to make sure you are staying within the allotted minutes on the phone plan. If he tries pulling that argument with you, then he most likely is trying to hide something and is trying to distract you by turning it around on you and making you the “bad guy”. 

I don’t feel this is going to end so well…but I would be honest and upfront with him first. If he starts making up excuses, tell him you are going to call the number right then and there and see how he reacts. 

I wouldn’t put up with that. I am so sorry this is happening to you. 🙁

Post # 50
Member
3625 posts
Sugar bee

It’s pretty obvious he isn’t ready to get married. I’m not sure what kind of explanation he could give that I’d ever accept, but you have to decide this for yourself. If you confront him, and he once knows he’s caught, what can he say to make you believe him and trust he won’t do it again? Can you believe it was ‘nothing’?

 No man is worth the constant worry or waiting for the other shoe to drop. Sorry.

Post # 51
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

This happened to me with my ex. He was “sexting” a woman. I finally found out and as bad as it sounds I was a little sneaky, but ended up actually catching him meet up with her for sex. I really hope it’s not the same for you.

You need to confront him ASAP. Call me crazy ladies, but if it was me personally I would call the girl and ask her whats up first and then talk to him. I’d feel like that way he’d have no out to lie. If you ask him whats up first he is obviously going to call this girl and tell her to keep her mouth shut. Maybe I was burned too badly in the past, but I’d want all the info I could get and if he’s done this in the past and used charming words to get out of it he’ll do it again.

I’m not trying to scare you, but over 2000 text messages isn’t innocent. What on earth are they talking about that much?

I hope it all works out for you. Good luck. Stay strong 🙂 Don’t let him walk all over you!

Post # 52
Member
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

@AnneTossy:

Whoa, I missed that.  I thought it took a whole month to rack up 2200 texts.

 

I sure admire a man with a good work ethic.

Post # 53
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think that before you do anything else, you need to think about how you want to talk to him and do that first. If you are thoughtful in how you approach this, you won’t come off as snooping or unneccessarily suspicious. I wouldn’t advise jumping immediately into suggesting calling off the engagement or putting wedding plans on hold. In general, I would try to avoid a structure of offense and defense because people tend to say and do the worst things when they feel backed into a corner. I’d start with saying you were checking the plan to make sure you aren’t endangering his minutes and noticed an inconsistancy with the text messages. Explain that it was all to the same number and question how that could happen. Bring up your concerns about past behaviour and consider explaining that you know the time leading up to the wedding can be stressful and alienating. With that, you’ve left the doors open for him to be honest. If he’s shifty, if you don’t feel comfortable, say your peace.

But if this is a relationship where you can’t talk about things like this, it’s probably not the best relationship to build a marriage on. Open those doors of communication with him before you seek other outlets to discover the truth.

Post # 54
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 1992

I had a live-in boyfriend do this to me.  It was some girl on the internet he met playing World of Warcraft, which was pretty damn humiliating.

I went through his phone, saw a text to her that said, “Just woke up from the hottest dream.  Hint:  you were in it.  ;-).”  I broke up with him that night.

I used to go through my ex-boyfriend’s phone all the time.  And there was ALWAYS, ALWAYS something there to find.  When you start feeling that temptation, a lot of times that can be your instincts telling you that this guy isn’t trustworthy.

Everyone has a different line.  Some people can tolerate more than others.  You need to decide what YOU can deal with, and no one can make that decision for you.  But please don’t make this decision because you feel like you can’t find anything better, or that all guys are like this, and it’s just something women have to put up with.

Men are no different than women, and there are dishonest men just as much as there are dishonest women.  I don’t think men should be held to some artificially lowered standard because they’re guys and this is just what guys do.

I broke up with my boyfriend, and later that year I met a wonderful man that I love and TRUST more than anything.  We are extremely open about our phones, computers, and relationships with other people.  I have never felt the need to go through his phone, because I know there would be nothing to find.  I don’t have that “gut feeling” the way I did with my ex.

You have to make this decision for yourself, but there is something better out there.  I promise!

Post # 55
Member
1374 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

There comes a time when the roller coaster ride is no longer fun.  You’ve enjoyed the ride for a couple years now, no?  Catching him, confronting him, forgiving him….it’s all very exciting.  You feel like you’re fighting for your love.  Yeah, I know, I’ve been there.  So have a lot of other Bees.  All roller coaster rides stop being fun after awhile, though, because no one wants to spend the rest of their lives on one.  Eventually it just gets too nauseating. Only you know if it’s time to get off the coaster.  One thing is for certain though: he’s never going to stop this behavior.  Ever.  It’s up to you to put a stop to it by stepping off the ride.

Post # 56
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I wouldnt threaten the engagement or make any threats.  Dont let him turn it around on you.  Just be calm and rational when you speak to him.  You can tell him that you dont want to be with a man texts other women.  And I know you dont want to hear this and a lot of bees have already said, but I would dump him.  You should have dumped him a long time ago.  Do you want to put up with this for the rest of your life?  Bc it sounds like this is a pattern and not a one time mistake.  If he made a mistake and truely felt guilty about it he wouldnt do it again.

Post # 57
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2011

also, this probably isn’t the case, but i just had a friend battle with her cellphone comany because they said she sent 1,000 texts in one week to the same number, which was not true. she’s going through a whole claims issue with them now.

Post # 58
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

There is absolutely no good reason for your fiance to be texting ANYONE 2200 times in 3 days.  That’s insane.  When you add to it the fact that this is a woman, and a woman he has never mentioned to you, and a woman you don’t know….none of this looks good.  I would absolutely not tolerate that, and I don’t think you should either.

Post # 59
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

HELL yes I would leave him. unless is ready to go to counceling and has some sort of emotional addiction to behavior like this bc of insecurities.

I would leave my fiance though. to me that is cheating. it says “you arent good enough” and “i dont respect you” and its a big EF YOU to your life together. You werent sneaking around- you saw he was texting anumber- and that made u suspicious. u definitely need to step up and not back down at ALL

Post # 60
Member
949 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I looked up the number before you deleted it, sent you info. that I found.

Post # 61
Member
1258 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Along the lines of what thequaintbride said… Can you call the phone company and have them look into it, before you do anything else?  2200 texts in three days seems a bit much (when did he sleep or eat?).  Tell them that you saw that and it seems like they must have made a mistake. 

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