(Closed) Oh yes, the jitters are here. Any advice to share?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

ejs4y8 — I haven’t gotten married yet, but I can totally relate to the relationship you have with your guy. Fiance and I went to college together but then when we graduated I went to CNY and he went down to DC (thats a good 7 hours away). We did pretty good on the talking every day and monthly visits, and everytime we’d part I’d get very melancholy. I then moved to Philly, he stayed in DC (3 hours but still, our schedules weren’t very flexible). I know what you mean though, I’d feel so excited to see him (since we didn’t see each other often) but then I would get frustrated or antsy if I couldn’t have my normal routine. Even when I moved down to DC (finally) I always felt bad if I wanted some "me" time, ya know? Then, he got another job that required him to do Out of Town training and it’s been tough not being together all the time. He too likes to cuddle in bed while I’m ready to get some work done.

But then I snap myself back and realize that I am incredibly lucky to have a guy who loves me so overwhelmingly. He always forgives me if I need time to myself and is it really that big of a deal if I don’t get to watch tv, check my email, go to the gym later.

You are completely normal and I really do think its just jitters of sharing your time and space with another person. But in the long run, but there’s nothing better!

Post # 4
Member
2004 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

You’re totally normal! 🙂  These are just regular ol’ jitters. Are you a jittery sort of person? Also, it annoys me too when my husband disrupts my routine, even when he does it for something fun or cute. Moving in together after the wedding (and being in the same city) will be a big adjustment, but you can handle it, just like you handled previous adjustments. Don’t be afraid for things to be different, and don’t be afraid if you aren’t 100% thrilled about the changes. Change is hard, but hopefully worth it.

Also, I’m sure your friends are not at the peak of excitement 24/7. You don’t hang out with them 24/7, do you? And when you talk about your engagement/marriage with most people, don’t you act excited? They probably act excited for you too when in reality their emotions are much more mixed. I know I didn’t admit how nervous I felt to really anyone. It seemed taboo to admit that I was feeling really awful—even though I knew that was normal for me and not a Big Sign of Distress—so I kept mum. You are not alone in this! 

Post # 5
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I think there’s this totally false idea that once you get engaged all your problems melt away and you turn into this perfect person who never worries about things or has to go through big life adjustments.  And that’s just not true.  The fact of the matter is that getting married is a BIG deal!  It’s a huge adjustment, just like moving away from your parents for the first time or living on your own.  Making this big of a commitment to this step in your life is bound to cause all the same uncertain and uncomfortable feelings as other life chnaging moments.  Not only is it normal to feel like this, I think it’s a testament to how seriously you’re taking marriage and the commitment to your Fi.  Think about it, if your Fi meant nothing to you, or if you didn’t seriously believe in marriage, would you even care about his flaws? 

Also, I think it’s ok that you’re not still in the puppy love stages of your relationship, even only a couple months from your wedding.  Relationships go through changes.  I know that I sometimes wish my Fi and I were back in those early romance stages, but then we share an inside joke or say the exact same thing at the exact same time and I realize that I’d much rather have this connection.  Maybe we’re not as passionate or lovey dovey as other couples, but I’d much rather have this super strong, super close relationship than have the puppy love anyway.  And it’s very possible that your friends feel the same way you do (or will feel this way closer to their weddings) but are afraid to let people know.  They might just be keeping up the image of the "engaged woman" that everyone expects instead of openly dealing with their emotions.

One thing that I think has really helped me is reading the book "What Nobody Tell the Bride" by Marg Stark.  If you have a chance, I really recommend picking this book up.  It’s a quick, easy read all about adjusting to married life and dealing with the emotions that come along with making this step.  In fact, if anyone on here wants my copy, I’d be happy to send it to you.  I’m done reading it, so just PM me.

Post # 7
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with all of the above.  This sounds pretty normal (and I’m a couple months after you, but finding myself there as well).  That said, I do think it’s always, always a good idea to make sure you know what your subconscious is telling you.  Nothing you’ve written sounds like anything but pre-wedding jitters, but is there anyone (good, preferably married, friend) that you can talk to about where your jitters stem from?  B/c there is something there, and if nothing else it’ll help you to better adjust to being married if you can identify it.

To me it sounds mostly like being nervous about sharing your space and losing your "me" time and routine.  That might mean just that, or it might mean that for you you’re worried that getting married will cut in on your independence.  Both are pretty normal, and neither is a deal breaker.  But if you know that you are having issues sharing your privacy and space beforehand, it might help you put things in perspective in future interactions when you’ve, say, been locked out of the bathroom every morning for a month straight.

Post # 9
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Hehe…tell me about that.  I actually have pretty much told my Fiance that he *has* to use the guest bathroom for, ahem, more extended use 😉

And sharing space for short term is really different than contemplating doing so for the rest of your life.  It’s okay to wig out a little, especially if youhave a lot of other stress in your life at the same time.  I would just allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling without judging it as being bad to feel crabby or thinking it’s unusual for it to be worrying you now.  I seriously find that saying things out loud really helps release the feelings (maybe like a dictaphone?).  And writing it up on these boards is a pretty good way to release the feelings as well:)

Post # 11
Member
17 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2009

Well hello all! I am new to this site (fairly) been reading alot but never posted. I understand the jitters big time. I am getting married May 1, 2009, yup a Friday night wedding with 170 of our closest family and friends. We do not live together and wont until after the wedding, and honeymoon of course. And lately I have been scared to death. Don’t know why, can’t explain it and he doesnt understand. He says he is not scared at all. Not sure if I believe him or not lol. 17 days and counting we will just have to wait and see how it all works out. Ill keep you posted. Thanks for all the other great posts and for letting me vent.

 

Post # 12
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like the annoying stuff is what happens when the newness of a relationship wears off, whether you’re already married or still dating.  Four years sounds about right.  It might be a bit unfortunate that you are in a more "settled" place in your relationship when you get married, but I think when the wedding roles around, some of those "butterfly feelings" will emerge.

You are stepping into a new phase in life.  It’s a big change.  But you’re doing it with the guy you love.  You’ll adjust to all of those annoying things.  It’s a great exercise in learning to role with the punches.  You have to do a lot of that too when you have kids etc.  You might not ever fall in love with the fact that hubby leaves the toilet seat up or squeezes the tube of toothpaste from the middle, but that’s not the important stuff.  And you’ll get used to it. 

Try to take some time to think about how your life would be if he wasn’t in it at all, or somehow no longer in it.  No doubt marriage is work.  And sometimes it is work to be excited for couply things.  But really it’s the best. 

Good luck.  You’ll be great.

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