- 9 years ago
- Wedding: July 2011
Not to beat a dead horse….but I found this blog and thought I would throw my hat in the ring of solidarity here! I’m really glad this site exists – it’s nice to know that I’m not the only one out there!
My bf and I have been together for 3+ plus years (coming up on 4 in November), and living together for 2. I always rolled my eyes whenever I heard the “I just knew” reponse whenever someone asked how someone knew her man was the one. Sure enough, just after a month of dating, it hit me: I just “felt it” – this guy was it for me. As a couple, we have never been the type to really discuss our relationship – things have always just happened. After about 3 months together, we were out with some of his friends and one of his friends referred to me as as my man’s “girlfriend.” So that answered that question :). However, as our relationship has taken it’s course, we have yet to have a real discussion about our future. Like most relationships, ours has not been wine and roses all the time, but I have been very happy. I believe there is an unspoken assumption that we will get married. Although we have never discussed it, there have been jokes and comments made in passing. For example, one evening we went to an NBA game, and I made a comment about how lame I thought it was for someone to propose via a text message and have posted on a jumbotron at a professional sporting event (which we had just witnessed). He responded in jest by saying “So much for my idea! E-mail it is!”
Like many of you out there, as the years have gone by, I have witnessed all of my friends get married off one by one, most of them to guys or girls who they had been with less time than us. He is the oldest of 3, and both of his younger sisters are married. I spent lots of time with his family and I truly love them and I know they are as antsy as I am. One evening this spring we were out to dinner with his parents and a couple of their friends, and we were discussing parents showing embarrassing pictures of their kids to significant others. I remarked that I had seen some pretty embarrassing photos of my bf, and his dad leaned over to me and said “We’re saving the really embarrassing ones for the wedding.” Which of course took me off guard a bit – I’m glad his family got the memo, because I sure haven’t! One of his sisters even told me they were all expecting it to happen last November when everyone was in town for this 30th birthday. But it didn’t.
And yet, we still haven’t talked about getting married! His only recent indication was in passing when I was telling him about one of my oldest friends from elementary school getting engaged: he said “Well I intend to marry you.” That’s nice and all, but what worries me is that there is no concrete plan. We’ve never discussed our future in any concrete way. I am not keen on having kids (and will likely have some problems conceiving anyway, given some current health issues), but would consider adoption. We have not ever talked about this. I suspect this will not be dealbreaker, but I have had a couple of friends whose bf’s of several years broke up with them after swearing they were cool with not wanting kids. He keeps talking about wanting to buy a house (or condo, in our case – houses in NYC are expensive!), but not about getting married.
As I’ve mentioned, he’s not really a talker. Like many of you out there, I am closing in on age 30, and I am one of two left of my collective group of high school and college friends that is not yet engaged or married. I have been to a ton a weddings over the last two years, and every time I get a little sad because I know I am probably not going to be next. As you might imagine, I’m really starting to freak out. There is no question in my mind that he is the person I want to be with for the rest of my life, but I have no guarantee at this point that he is thinking the same. (Obviously, there are no guarantees in life, but I need something!). He’s not a talker – I’m always the one to bring it up if I’m having a problem with him or something he does or whatever. I’m not very good at approaching serious conversations with him either – we are both terribly nonconfrontational, although lately I’ve been better about expressing myself. In mind I really thought we’d be at least engaged by this point, and so I’m not sure how to go about determining if marriage in the cards for us. Well, without sounding like I’m giving him an ultimatum (though I technically want to). I am turning 30 next March, and have lots of anxiety about many things in terms of being where I thought I’d be in life, marriage being a major one. My career has slowly taken off once I figured it all out 3 years ago, but as the days go by, I am starting to fear that I may not get married to my current bf. I have tried dropping hints, being a little snarky whenever weddings or engangements are brought up – no reaction (at least he doesn’t react on the outside, and I clearly have no idea what’s going on in his head).
Apologies for the long story, but would love to hear ANY and ALL advice anyone has about broaching the subject, waiting it out, dealing with general anxiety and frustration, talking about it vs. ignoring it….. I am at the point where when either he or I brings up someone else’s engagement or wedding, I get really tense. And I hate that. There are many things in life I look forward to – marriage being one of them – and I just want it to happen already!
Thanks for lending an ear (or two eyes in this case!).