(Closed) Ok Bees… Bridesmaids Drama, Need some advice… Was I wrong? (LONG!!)

posted 6 years ago in Ceremony
Post # 4
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

OMG I REALLY WISH YOU WOULD USE PUNCTUATION AND PARAGRAPHS.  That was really hard to read through and sometimes I couldn’t follow, so I hope my advice applies.

I’m sorry you’re losing a friend over the wedding, but this seems to happen a LOT. 

My only suggestion would be to call her and tell her that it’s really important to you for her to be at your wedding and that you apologize if her feelings have been hurt in any way, but you’re really trying to make this friendship work and feel like you’re getting a lot of resistance from her.  Then, I’d give her an out.  Tell her that if she doesn’t want to be in the bridal party because it’s too much for her, that you would not be offended at all and that she can step down and just come as a guest, picking her own dress and being there for you.  Tell her that you’re only suggesting this because you feel like she isn’t excited to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and you don’t want her to feel like she has to out of obligation. 

Honestly, from your post it doesn’t seem like you’ve done anything wrong at all (but I am a firm believer in there are 2 sides to every story).  You get to pick who your Maid/Matron of Honor is and who is in your bridal party and you get to pick the dress you want them to wear.  She’s being immature and selfish.  The best thing is probably to have her step down and come as a guest.  It would save a lot of headache. 

Post # 6
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@MissXray:  You can edit for an hour or so, maybe you could go back in and add some paragraphs. I’m trying to make my way through it, but it’s difficult! I’ll get back to you soon.

Post # 7
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Okay, I made it all the way through. I can see why your friend would be hurt, although I don’t think that means you did anything wrong. I think people often have two different views of the Maid/Matron of Honor title–it either indicates the closest female (usually) friend/family member you have OR it indicates someone who has been particularly helpful. If she feels the first is the correct meaning, then I can see why she would be hurt. I also see your viewpoint that BF#1 has been so helpful and you want to acknowledge that.

What’s done is done, though, and I surely don’t think you should take the Maid/Matron of Honor title away from BF#1. I think you need to shift your view/approach to your friendship with her. Spend the next couple of months working to rebuild the friendship WITHOUT talking about the wedding. You have the time. If you must get bridesmaids dresses ordered, try to do that as quickly and drama-free as possible (even if it means telling her the dress and the store and letting it go at that). Then, focus 100% on your friend and your relationship. Go out with her. Ask about her life. Do things you used to do. And DON’T (and this will be hard) bring up the wedding. Show her that she is important not because she is a bridesmaid, but that she is a bridesmaid because she is important to you. I think, as PP suggested, giving her an out is probably appropriate, because it doesn’t seem like she’s all that interested in being a bridesmaid, but regardless of her answer, put your effort into the friendship.

Post # 9
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I can understand where your friend is coming from, that would be hard to take. Just because this one girl is offering up so much help you chose to make her your second Maid/Matron of Honor, there is no reason she could have stayed a Bridesmaid or Best Man and still helped as much as she is, that would have prevented anyone being offended. I think you should have realized that The frined you’ve been closer with since you were 21 would be hurt. While you are entirely allowed to have whomever you want as whatever title you want in your wedding you really should have realized how hurt your friend would be and maybe have taken the time to explain to her why you made that choice, instead of just making the decision and expecting no one to care.

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