(Closed) ok bees… how do you get closure?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
434 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

This is going to sound super corny, but time heals all wounds. The only way I’ve even been able to move on is just by letting time go by. I say just focus on your life now without ex-fi, and concentrate the good things in your life. Let that negativity go by just ignoring it.

Post # 4
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I guess a “glass of wine and deep breaths” isn’t the answer you’re looking for?…=

Post # 5
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think you need to cut off all communication with him.  Time will make things better and it’s better if you don’t see him because every time you do, you just seem to spew out your hate toward him.

Post # 6
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

 

I know where you are coming from. My Ex-husband and I were together for 10+ years and it was rough the first couple years we were apart. I def. went through the 12 steps..I lingered on “anger” for awhile. lol 

My suggestions:

Try not to run into him (I know this is hard if you live in a small town. But stay away from places you know he visits)

And if you do see him, leave. He hasn’t won because you left. You probably don’t like the way the other night turned out when you stayed and talked to him. It would of probably been better if you just turned around when you saw him.

Treat him like a stranger, you can say HI, smile etc, but it doesn’t do any good to actually talk to him..

Don’t text him, or call him. Period. It’s a losing battle with it. He’s never gonna get it.. and you are just going to delay the hurt by talking to him.

It’s tough when you loved someone and thought you were spending the rest of your life with them. 🙁

Just try to separate yourself from him.

It is true, time does heal all wounds.. it just might take awhile.

good luck.

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 7
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

How do you get over it?  You realize that you’ve grown from this and that he was there for some sort of life lesson.

My ex was my husband, and we were married for almost a decade when he decided to turn into a mini version of a famous pro golfer known by one name.  How did I get over that and him not only betraying me, but plunging me into financial ruin?  I worked through it.

You realize that while the guy may have done something wrong to you, you’re better than that, better than the reasons that you left him for.  That you needed something else in your life..you needed you, and in leaving him, there was some personal growth.

I had two years of not dating at all after divorcing him, and it really allowed me to get to know who I am again, and I did tons of soul searching and I believe the hardships made me into a stronger woman and a better mother too.

Just know that poor woman hanging all over him may be in for the same ride you were in for too.  My ex’s wife, whom he married within days of our divorce, is now divorcing him too, for the exact same reasons, except he’s nastier to her than he was ever to me.  She and I are friends now, wierd I know, but it wasn’t her fault. 

Embracing the personal growth that came from the pain is to me, the reason and the way you can overcome this and move on permanently.

 

Post # 8
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Maybe I’m missing some background info here, but from your profile pic and wedding date, it looks like you’re happily involved with someone else?

You know the quote “The best revenge is living well”?  While I don’t necessarily believe in the revenge part, I think if you focus on what you have now, it’s for the best.  Anger and hate take a lot of energy that he obviously isn’t worth. 

I think if you think of your energy as a finite resource, and that ever ounce you contribute toward him is energy taken away from something worthwhile, it’s easy to let it go. 

Look at me all zen this morning… LOL

Post # 9
Member
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Erase him from your phone. Try not to run into him, and don’t talk to him if you do. You will forget that he ever existed over time, but I have found that seeing someone again or talking to them just resets the clock “back” by a few months every time it happens. For example, even writing this post makes me want to google my ex from a painful break up! But I’m going to resist. whew.

Post # 10
Member
319 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

I think it kind of depends on the guy (ex) as well. If either one feels strongly towards the breakup then it hard to find peace.

I dated my best friend in college for 4 years. He was my EVERYTHING. He was my BFF, attractive, an artist, musician and just knew how to do or say the right things to make a girl addicted to him (TMI..but he was also very good in bed). We were always dreaming about getting married…or so I thought. However he was emotionally abusive and came with A LOT of baggage which gradually drove me insane. He’d put me on emotional rollercoaters, I felt like I was doing all the work and chasing him. But I always chose to not see the bad things and hung onto the good.

Through the 4 years we were together he cheated on me at least 4 time which I caught, I learned later after we broke up that he had 4 more girls that I didn’t know about and I’m sure there are more I never will know about.He started cheating on me around 2 months after we started dating. Then we broke up then he’d come crawling back on his knees begging for forgivness. I kept taking him back. He cheated on me with his ex (he would call her every week and talk for hours), with girls online, on the phone (it’s like a 1800 dating line), old flames and flings, young high school girls you name it.

In the last year of this miserable relationship I met someone else. I must have been desperate for feeling appreciated so just like that I was cheating on my ex. Despite how my ex treated me I still felt guilty.

One day I was strong enough to dump my ex via email. I knew if I let him talk to me I would get soft so I protected myslef by disappearing (would not answer his calls, emails whatever).

But was I still mad? YES! A year after not talking to him he found me and wanted closure but I was still mad.

I took me 4 years to be able to be have a small conversation with him without feeling upset. I heard from other people that his life was going downhill and I felt like he had already been punished by karma so I tried not to hate him.

Sorry for the long story but I guess what I’m saying is, closure didn’t really work for me until I was “ready” for closure. The best was avoiding him totally and NOT following his life stories (no FB, no gossipping) just pretended he didn’t exist. If I ever looked him up I would always be competetive like “oh your new girlfreind is not as hot as me haha” or “how could you do that! that was OUR coffee shops!” etc.

Post # 11
Member
7053 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

You just have to trust that your higher power, universe, whatever have you, has a better life path in store for you.  That’s what I felt.

You move on because you have to.  Staying in the past keeps you chained to hurt and sadness.  You cannot embrace change or your new life if you keep looking back.  My grandma told me that I’d never be happy again until I figured out why me being alone was better than being married to my ex and she was right.

I figured that out after about a month of being separated that I was better off. 

We are creatures of habit imho, and sometimes we are afraid of change.  Would they love us as much, could we ever love again, could he/she do this to me again?  You are just used to the situation you are in and I was told (another “ism” from my grandma)  “you’re just used to the devil you DO know and are scared of meeting somebody for fear of them being a devil you DON’T know.  Odds are you will be much better off”.  That’s another gem she used to say when I was newly single. 

Post # 12
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

You’ve gotten some absolutely wonderful advice, I just wanted to add that words cannot express how much I think you should delete his number from your phone. And if you’re friends on facebook, myspace, twitter, whatever, get rid of those too.

Post # 13
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I personally think the closure thing is BS.  Cut off communication and avoid seeing him, and like a PP said time will heal all.  

Post # 14
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

i have to agree – it truly is all about “time”…

my husband is the most wonderful incredible man – and you’d think that he and his love for me would take away all the hatred I have towards and ex – and after 3.5 years of him and I being together – i would say it probably has – however…my ex (who i honestly only even dated for 2 months) hurt me so bad, emotionally, that I literally cried over him for 4 months straight – and even when I met my now husband (6 months after the breakup) it still hurt how hurt I had been from the previous relationship – and literally took me another year – even while I was with someone so incredible and new – to get over my feelings for my ex.

there are still times that I have dreams about him and i would love to see him in the street and just punch him in the face for how bad he treated me during the breakup (nothing physically abusing – just emotional)…and more it was probably that I realized I was mad at myself for LETTING myself get involved so fast and fall so hard AND fast for someone – and then how long i took TO get over him…but yeah – it does take a long time and “time heals all wounds”.

That was the last one. My very first boyfriend – from high school – dated him for 8 months – he dumped me literally like the week before I started college – and it took me 5 YEARS to get over him!

I hope things get better for you!

Post # 15
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

My ex and my current boyfriend were very good friends, and when I broke up with ex-BF, current Boyfriend or Best Friend literally shouldered all of my breakdowns because my ex was going through a major depression/drama phase by turning into an alcoholic.

Anyway, barely 5 months later, ex-BF was seeing someone his family thought would be good for him, but he was also simultaneously doing his assistant at work AND sleeping with call girls. I know this because he would call my current Boyfriend or Best Friend to talk to him, not to spite me, but just to touch base in the way guys do. It was a real mess.

I kept thinking this was my fault somehow, because while he went through the emotional rollercoaster, I stayed happy and stable with my current Boyfriend or Best Friend, his best friend. Then, suddenly, like nearly a year afterward, ex-BF suddenly turned nasty towards current Boyfriend or Best Friend ( again, not towards me, just him) and they parted ways.

Late last year, ex-BF got married to that same woman, despite the fact that he doesn’t “love” her (his exact words to her) and despite the fact that SHE knows he’s been cheating on her…

(one of his flings wrote her a long email with pics and then confronted her about it)

 

This is one of those instances where I’m not even sure closure would have helped. It was an event which left scars on everyone, and time hasn’t healed them, just dulled the pain.

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