(Closed) OK bees I need some serious advice! (Slightly long thank you!)

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Klein2bReidy:  The future SIL is toxic. Nothing you will ever do will be good enough. If your BIL wants to have his life sucked away by her, than so be it.

How do your FILs view her and how do they view you now?

I would seriously just stop dealing with her. Say hi at family events and then stay under your husband. When she speaks don’t engage her. Just say “mm hmm”. Keep your wedding details to yourself. DO NOT LET HER IN YOUR BRIDAL PARTY. A “my BMs have already been decided” will suffice. Don’t answer calls.

If you can, have your FILS come over to YOUR place alone for dinner sometimes without BIL. Have holidays at your home surrounded by other family and friends.

Post # 4
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LuvMySailor:  This last piece is good advice. Be sure to spend time with your inlaws when she is not there.

You want to manage your relationship with your FIL and MIL through one on one time, reaching out to say hello, sending appropriate holiday cards, inviting them over- basically making lots of effort. Dont worry about the sister in law and dont engage her in anyway. 

 

Post # 5
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I say limit your contact, have your Fi speak to his brother about her behavior and make it clear what not acceptable.

With my older brothers wife, she doesn’t come to my house and I don’t go to her unless it’s an event for one of the kids, doesn’t have my phone number, we aren’t friends on any online networks, when I see her I say hello then move away from her, I never call her house and 90 percent of the time that I am in her presence is when my brother is around. I took the hardline approach several years ago and it’s cuts down on the drama as it gives her almost no chance to stir things up. Your inlaws also need to pull their heads out of the sand if she continues to behave like this in front of other family members.

 

Post # 7
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Klein2bReidy:  Don’t let her steal it! She will try.

Keep your colors, theme, everything to yourself. Even be vague with your future MIL to make sure she does not accidently tell it. Heck say your colors are purple and orange!

Post # 10
Member
28 posts
Newbee

This situation is quite similar to mine! My FBIL’s wife is exactly word for word like yours. When I first started dating my SO, they had only been dating for a little while, but she ALWAYS put me down, or made comments at how unhealthy I ate, or how I was so much lower in standards than her because of the way I looked/dressed etc. Imagine my surprise when they got engaged! I almost broke up with my SO because I couldn’t just deal with the fact to be involved with that family (I’ve struggled a lot w/ depression and she did not make the situation any better). Fast forward to now, they had a child and I tried to be involved in their life starting when the baby came thinking she may be better.. nope. She’s even worse now “cause she’s in the family and i’m not”. Anyways to make a long ramble short, she’s still there, as rude as ever, but the rest of his family loves me so I deal with it. I decided that letting her control me (after 4 years of being horrified of her) just wasn’t worth it and sometimes just staying far back from the situation makes it better. I’m still dreading inviting her to the wedding also, I’m scared of what she might do, but if she does something, she’ll look like the bad one not me (I sang at her wedding ceremony cause my FBIL had asked, and she ignored me and the only thing she said was “just wait till your wedding” haha. My advice is as much as it’s really hard, just leave her, she will dig herself into a hole she can’t get out of by herself by the looks of it, and keep your wedding details to yourself don’t let her steal your time to shine! 🙂

Post # 11
Member
737 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I also have a toxic SIL.  BIL & his wife started dating before I met my DH, but it was always a relationship his family didn’t really like.  She’s isolated BIL from the entire family, and the groom’s side of the family didn’t attend their wedding.  (It’s a bad situation all around.)

I’ve built my own relationship with my in-laws, and try to avoid any drama that’s related to SIL.  BIL & his (then FI) now wife were invited to our wedding, and attended.  She sat quietly in the corner, sulking. 

I deal with SIL by generally ignoring her.  I say hello when required, I send the appropriate cards as socially expected (a thank you, a best wishes on your wedding, and when she starts popping out kids, I’ll send baby cards) – but I do these things for the benefit of BIL.  He married a real piece of work, but he’s still family and needs to realize that his family still cares about him.

I certainly didn’t share any wedding plans with her!

I do want to remind you that if you use pinterest your boards are public.  So if you have a wedding planning board FSIL could “stalk” it and see your wedding plans and ideas even if you don’t share them with her.  Also, if you haven’t already, make sure your facebook settings are set at a level with which you are comfortable and FSIL can only see posts that you care for her to see. – Even though she’s not a friend she might still be able to see your wall or photos, the new timeline doesn’t seem to be as restrictive and private as I expected or would like.

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