(Closed) OK I have a problem

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the other posters that counseling would be the best thing for you.  However, I’m one of those people who likes to solve things on my own- and I’m not really the type to seek advice from others.  Like you, sometimes I have a hard time communicating about certain issues- for me it’s not that I don’t want to say anything, I just cry uncontrollably and can’t get it out.  I’ve definitely gotten a lot better at getting things over the years, and with my husband we rarely have communication issues.  He’s much different than my ex’s, and I feel so much more ‘safe’ letting go of my feelings around him.  I’ve learned that note writing can do wonders for communication.  Sometimes I feel as though I just can’t get the words out properly otherwise.  It might be silly, but it’s a way for him to know exactly how I’m feeling and it opens the door for face-to-face communication.  Writing things down also helps me to realize if I’m the one at fault or being silly in an argument.

My suggestion to you is to try this method the next time you have a fight.  Excuse yourself, gather your thoughts, and write them down.  Ask your Fiance to read it completely before discussing the issue.  With everything out in the open, hopefully it will help you to communicate in person better.  Remember that your Fiance loves you very much and he likely wants to resolve whatever issue it is just as much as you do.

 These issues will definitely not go away magically after marriage or living together, so you really need to work on this right away and decide whether or not you are truly right for each other.  In my case, I have had several ex’s that I just couldn’t communicate with- it was just an issue with my personality vs. theirs.  The difference with my husband is that he is a very open person who is willing to make an effort to work through problems.  He has a way of always making me feel safe and loved and always listens to me and tries to understand where I’m coming from even if he doesn’t agree.  While this sounds like an issue that is mostly based on problems in your past- it might be a compatibility issue with your Fiance as well.

Post # 19
Member
2373 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

You sound like my mother. After 26 years of a semi-dysfunctional marriage the relationship is falling apart. Take everyones advice and get some counseling- if not for yourself for your fiance. Do you know how hard it is to deal with someone who just shuts down? Really difficult. A happy marriage won’t last if you continue the behavior. What’s really positive is you realize you do this, so why not take the next step and get some help?

Post # 20
Member
47429 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

“dont you think just love and time will solve this?” No, I don’t. I think it is more likely that your husband will get tired of your behavior and the marriage will suffer.

There are many marriages that have dissolved because of a lack of communication.

Post # 21
Member
2870 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I’m typically not this blunt.

but ask yourself this — would you want to be married to someone who shut you out?

Probably not, so don’t expect your Fiance to put up with it either.

If you really love this guy then love him enough to tackle this communication issue head on and fix it.

If that means putting your feelings down on paper, try that. Or going to therapy.

The key is to do something to try to fix it because it isn’t going to magically go away because you guys are married or live together.

 

Post # 22
Member
568 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I definitly think that you should see someone about it.  You love this man and I think it is worth it for both of you to work past the issues so you can enjoy life together.  I have a friend who has been going to therapy for a while and she thinks that everyone should go to therapy, whether they “need” to or not.  It is a good way to work things out in a safe environment.  I also like what faye0314 said about writing it down.  I find that I can get things out easier when I write it down.  I tend to get all toungue tied when I try and talk about something that is upset me or angered me.  Maybe you should give that a shot?

 

 

 

Post # 23
Member
968 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I agree with everyone else. This is not something that can fix itself easily if you are unable to make improvement on your own. This is not something for your Fiance to fix for you. This is something that you need to make the conscious decision to want to fix, and take responsibility for the steps necessary to open up. I like what 

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@faye0314 said about writing your thoughts out. Start doing little things like that to get your thoughts and feelings down on paper, and then that may help you open up face-to-face with your Fiance. If you can’t fix this yourself, then I definitely think seeing a therapist is the way to go. Good luck, sweetie!

Post # 24
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@panterapeach: Really well said.

@Shannontink: It seems you believe that the love will always just be there. That’s not how it works. Love is something that needs to be nourished and tended to, or in its place will grow anger and resentment. Don’t take his love and patience for granted, because it will wear thin.

 

Post # 25
Member
14492 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

My FH and I both used to do this (long before we were together) and we both over came it in different ways.  FH writes down (like one of the PP said) what is on his mind and has me read it.  I, on the other hand, completely ignore the issue and don’t let it bother me that night and don’t let is show.  When I wake up the next day (sometimes later) if it is still bothering me, then I sit down and talk about it with him.  This gives me time to gather my thoughts, take the emotion out of the issue, and not ruin both of our nights.  This has worked out great for the both of us as we have not had an argument since we got together.  I am not going to say we don’t disagree, but the crying, yelling, or the ruined evenings don’t happen.

Post # 26
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Hi! I have a tendency to behave the same way when I get upset or angry. I did go to counseling for a while, which helped a lot. There is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking counseling, so don’t feel bad asking for help. One thing that counseling really helped me with was focusing on my priorities. In past relationships, I would completely shut down, but now I realize how much that hurts the other person and it doesn’t solve anything (of course this is easy to say when you are not in that moment of anger).

One technique my husband and I have developed to help me come out of the angry-shut down-mode, is for him to give me a gummy bear (although this could work with any favorite candy). I know that it sounds silly, but it works for us. For us, this is like him saying, “I love you even though you are acting like this.” It’s a simple reminder, but it helps me snap out of being shut down and actually talk about what’s bothering me.

If you need to talk or have questions about the counseling experience, feel free to PM me.

 

Post # 27
Member
3761 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I understand that not living together does not always provide the best opportunities to solve problems like this.  However, suddenly moving in together is not going to fix things. 

I agree with others that a therapist could help you work through some of these issues.  The good news though is that you already recognize what you are doing. 

Now you and your Fiance need to come up with a way to work through it.  This will take a lot of work on your part and the cooperation of your Fiance.  Start practicing now even if you aren’t married and living together.  Maybe there is a special place you go where you can feel comfortable to talk things out (ice cream place, coffee shop, book store, etc).  Sometimes talking in public actually helps my husband and I because we can’t just leave and we can’t raise our voices.  Start working on ideas that might work for you guys. 

Post # 28
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If you can talk with us, then you can talk with a counselor.  It would be best for you and for your relationship and future marriage to seek REAL help.  We can only give you advice where you can talk more in depth with someone in person.  Try not to put it off, this is something that needs fixing.  You have to learn to talk at some point or you won’t be able to fix the underlying problems.  Good luck!

@discgirl that is a great idea and glad it’s a technique that works for you!!  I need to try that w/my man next time he wants to shut down.

Post # 29
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@Shannontink: All of the PP have given you some sound advice. Journaling, talking with your Fiance, and talking with a professional will help you.  We’re not all professional social workers, psychologists; and though we try to give you some good takeaways, WeddingBee will not give you the answers you need.

In addition to finding an outlet for your issues, give you Fiance a big, big hug and THANK HIM.  Honestly, he seems like a great person and I hope you show him appreciation. I’m sure he just wants you to be happy.  But, show him you love him.  Tell him you love him.  Most of all, express to him that you are taking the necessary steps towards a healthy marriage.

Lastly, you say you feel stupid for going to a professional.  Don’t. People, including some of us, have gone or still go.  It’s not shameful.  Shameful is entering a marriage when you know you have issues to work out.  And those issues won’t go away when you say ‘I do’.  They only become permanent. 

Post # 30
Member
4544 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@julies1949: I agree!

It might be easier to have more alone time to talk when you’re married but you need to address this NOW, so that when you get married your husband doesn’t have to follow you from room to room and “make” you talk. That will just build resentment on both sides. Better to get help with your communicaton skills now than a year from now when you’re newly married. Marriage can be a big adjustment (as can living together) and honestly, not communiating is an almost sure-fire way of creating problems in a marriage. I think the greatest thing about my relationship with my husband is our communication and I know that a happy marriage is impossible if you cannot communicate well with your spouse.

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