(Closed) Ok this is NWR but need some help with my sister..

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I feel awful for your sister – it cannot be an easy way to live.  I honestly don’t think there is much you can really do though. Only she can make the decision to leave. I know how hard it is to sit back and watch someone you love go through a terrible relationship but honestly I have learned that no matter what you say or do, nothing will help until they see it for themself and make the decision for themself.  In the meantime, make sure you continue keeping regular contact with your sister – do everything you can not to let her become isolated.  I’d also try and keep contact with your niece and nephew and try to see them on a regular basis if you can.  Kids will tell you the truth about what’s happening and they likely need somone around they can trust and who can relieve them from home life for a bit.  Where there is spousal abuse there is likely to be child abuse.  

Post # 5
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m sorry – I didn’t want to make you feel worse.  Even if there is no physical abuse to anyone, it is not a healthy environment for those children to be in.  Do they live close by? Can you stop in to see them?  Do you know her husbands work schedule so you could go when he is not home?  I don’t want to make her husband out to be a monster because I don’t know him, but after working in a domestic violence shelter for years those are just where my thoughts tend to go.  Try to break the isolation, however just be aware that if this is a truly dangerous abusive situation, interferring could make it worse…I think you need to find a subtle way to get your sister in the same room as you alone to talk.  

Post # 6
Member
2781 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Wow, sounds like your sister is in an abusive marriage, I have a feeling this didn’t just start from everything going on with her business. It sounds more like she didn’t tell him the business was going into debt out of fear he would resort to serious violence. I grew up watching an abusive relationship play out, its not a good way for kids to grow up, no one should ever fear their parents or spouse. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help your sister. She has to take her kids and leave her husband, when she’s ready for it. Many women have a very hard time leaving these relationships, my parents only ever split up cuz a neighbour witnessed  things and called the police, mom wasn’t given a choice on the restraining order at that point. often times the women in these relationships feel that they deserve the treatment, and that they did something wrong to cause it, and if they can just be good, everything will be okay. Unfortunately, this is due to the man typically degrading the woman to the point of her having zero self-esteem, or threatening her into being scared of leaving. You can’t force her to ;eave him, she has to truly want it and be ready for it, otherwise she will just return to him.

Post # 8
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@FutureMrs.browneyes:  I don’t have any experience with this and therefore no good advice.  Have you considered contacting a domestic abuse organization to see if they can provide you with some helpful tips or suggestions on how to handle?  That might be an avenue worth trying out.  Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

My ex was an abuser and your sister sounds alot like I did. Passive and didnt say anything. My ex isolated me from everyone I knew or made it so unpleasant that eventually no one came around. No friends and my family was barred from seeing me. He would terrorize us daily. We walked on eggshells. I tried to shield my children as much as I could from their father but it didnt work. Finally after a decade I got out, but only after he nearly killed me and our children one night after a liquor induced binge.

Your sister might have worked with women and children but she is probably in denial that its actually abuse. Some women dont see verbal abuse as abuse. They see it as blowing off steam. Also by admitting that her husband is abusive then she in her mind is admitting to failure. Every abused woman I know thinks if she had done everything right then things would be better. its not true of course because everyone is responsible for their own behavior. 

Go to your sister when you can. Let her know that whatever happens you are there for her and her kids. In case she leaves him she needs to know she has a safe place to go. Also if you can convince her to make a copy of all important documents and also to keep clothes at your place in case she needs to leave quickly it will make things easier.

 

I counsel women now who are abuse survivors. She needs your support. Do you have other family besides you and your sister? How about mother and father? 

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