Post # 1
Ok this is a long story and might be really confusing so I’m sorry in advance but I really need advice on what to do = (
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother, I’m the baby. My Oldest sister (we will call her sister D) is married and has 2 beautiful kids, who I love to death and would do ANYTHING for(they are 8 and 6). We are a very close family, we talk to each other EVERY day and see each other once a week if not more.
Anyway. Sister D used to own a company with a friend and got into a lot of debt with the company. She came to me to talk to me when her husband found out. They had a lot of fights and problems( of course because she didn’t tell him which I completly understand) She would call me crying almost every night, about either him yelling about it or constantly fighting with her about it. He would go from loving understanding husband to mean name calling (excuse my language ) prick. Well they got it all sorted out ( filled for bankruptcy). And you would think everything would be good? no. Sister d’s husband is a complete jerk. He treats her like crap ( but unlike me and my other sister, she has no balls and wont stick up for her self) but she takes it, she lets him treat her like crap because he holds that he helped her get out of debt over her head.
Well every family party we have they come to, he sits in the corner playing on his phone, making rude noises like UGH when someone says something to him. And half the time leaves after 20 mins because he has to go to hockey.( which he never had to do before)
In june at my nephews birthday party( sister d’s kid) her husbands brother(keep in mind he is 43 years old) and my nephew got into a cake fight( throwing cake at each other, it was funny) then the brother got mad that my nephew started it and smashed cake in my 8 year old nephews face when he wasnt paying attention ( it hurt him because he did it with his hand and kind of held his face there!!) I didnt see it but my other sister did and said something to the brother. A few mins. later the brother ( keep in mind we have known them for 15 years, that’s how long my sister and her husband have been together!) was talking to my sister d’s husband and called my sister a stupid fat ass b*tch I heard him say it and I lost it. I got right in his face ( I stick up for my family!) Now this 43 year old CREEP looked me up and down and kind of winked at me!!!! And my BIL didn’t say a damn thing. My SO almost lost it. He wanted to KILL them! No one should talk about any woman like that and make a girl feel uncomfortable like that! Oh and to top it all off my BIL yelled at me! He said ” THIS IS A KIDS PARTY STOP IT!” mean while his dumb brother was drinking like and idiot had his shirt off ( and he is alot bigger then my sister!!!) and was cursing and throwing fast pitched balls at the kids that were there… but I’m the one introuble?? I feel like I was setting a good example sticking up for family!
Ever since then we don’t get to see the kids. We used to go to the beach every sunday all summer ( the whole family ) and now they are to busy ( but when I check FB they are out on the boat mean while they told us they had other things to do)I feel like he is keeping her away from us because he knows that we have an influence on my sister d and I tell her all the time to stick up for her self. My SO thinks he is keeping her away because he doesn’t want her to start sticking up for her self like the rest of us do.
I dont know what to do. How can I help? Please don’t tell me to stay out of it . I feel really bad for my sister. A while back she was telling me she wanted to divorce him ( I don’t know if it was said because she was under stress) Even my neice tells me her dad is mean and it breaks my heart. She said they will get punished to their rooms for the rest of the day if they touch daddys truck. ( I wanted to go to their house with a bat to this truck after she said that)
Thank you for reading. I just don’t know what to do or how I can help. I don’t wany my niece and nephew growing up thinking that’s how a marrage is supposed to be.
Post # 3
I feel awful for your sister – it cannot be an easy way to live. I honestly don’t think there is much you can really do though. Only she can make the decision to leave. I know how hard it is to sit back and watch someone you love go through a terrible relationship but honestly I have learned that no matter what you say or do, nothing will help until they see it for themself and make the decision for themself. In the meantime, make sure you continue keeping regular contact with your sister – do everything you can not to let her become isolated. I’d also try and keep contact with your niece and nephew and try to see them on a regular basis if you can. Kids will tell you the truth about what’s happening and they likely need somone around they can trust and who can relieve them from home life for a bit. Where there is spousal abuse there is likely to be child abuse.
Post # 4
@MrsWBS: Ugh you just made me sick telling me “Where there is spousal abuse there is likely to be child abuse. ” It just breaks my heart. I try calling her but she doesnt return my phone calls. And my nephew has an ipod so I try to face time him but he doesnt answer. I’m just soo sick over this whole thing. And I hate standing here doing nothing = /
Post # 5
I’m sorry – I didn’t want to make you feel worse. Even if there is no physical abuse to anyone, it is not a healthy environment for those children to be in. Do they live close by? Can you stop in to see them? Do you know her husbands work schedule so you could go when he is not home? I don’t want to make her husband out to be a monster because I don’t know him, but after working in a domestic violence shelter for years those are just where my thoughts tend to go. Try to break the isolation, however just be aware that if this is a truly dangerous abusive situation, interferring could make it worse…I think you need to find a subtle way to get your sister in the same room as you alone to talk.
Post # 6
Wow, sounds like your sister is in an abusive marriage, I have a feeling this didn’t just start from everything going on with her business. It sounds more like she didn’t tell him the business was going into debt out of fear he would resort to serious violence. I grew up watching an abusive relationship play out, its not a good way for kids to grow up, no one should ever fear their parents or spouse. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to help your sister. She has to take her kids and leave her husband, when she’s ready for it. Many women have a very hard time leaving these relationships, my parents only ever split up cuz a neighbour witnessed things and called the police, mom wasn’t given a choice on the restraining order at that point. often times the women in these relationships feel that they deserve the treatment, and that they did something wrong to cause it, and if they can just be good, everything will be okay. Unfortunately, this is due to the man typically degrading the woman to the point of her having zero self-esteem, or threatening her into being scared of leaving. You can’t force her to ;eave him, she has to truly want it and be ready for it, otherwise she will just return to him.
Post # 7
@MrsWBS: No it’s fine..just hearing someone else say it made me sick, you know what I mean? I know when he’s at work and I think I’m going to start doing that. And I know to stay out of it because knowing him it will make it worse. I feel like he is a monster so your right. My sister used to work at an all women and children shelter, so I don’t understand why she doesn’t see the signs and how bad it can be on the children. When ever they are with me I show them nothing but love and affection and I show them how my SO and I are so they see how it is supposed to be.
@Tiffmorris: I also agree that it didn’t start from this either. She came to me a while back when her husband was out drinking ( she calls Jack daniels the monster for a reason) and said that she couldn’t take it any more ( but I was only 20 so she kept saying to me I can’t believe i’m going to my baby sister for my problems and I kept telling her I will ALWAYS be there for her) . I’m so sorry you went threw something like that!! I know he talks bad about her and she has a weight problem ( after she had the kids she just didnt lose the weight) and he doesn’t help her out at all. She would have to bring the kids with her on jobs so he can do what ever he wants instead of stay with his kids. One time he got mad at her ( on my nephews christening ) and called her a bad mom and a fat piece of shit. I couldn’t take it so I flipped out on him . Also later that day at the party my nephew fell ( he’s a boy and boys will fall) and was crying because he got hurt.. my BIL picked him up and was carrying him in side and was holding his arms really tight and told him ” I TOLD YOU NOT TO FUCKING RUN AROUND” ( mean and with his teeth clenched) I also went right up to him and pulled my nephew out of his arms and said ” THATS NOT GOING TO STOP HIM FROM CRYING!” and after that my BIL just stopped talking to me. My dad is at his wits end. he tells me he can’t stand seeing his daughter and grandchildren like this but fears if he says anything we will not be able to see them any more.
Post # 8
@FutureMrs.browneyes: I don’t have any experience with this and therefore no good advice. Have you considered contacting a domestic abuse organization to see if they can provide you with some helpful tips or suggestions on how to handle? That might be an avenue worth trying out. Good luck.
Post # 9
@JemmaWRX: That’s a good idea thanks. I’m just so torn. I can’t stand seeing any one like this. I had a friend whos parents acted like this in the begining and then it turned into her dad beating her mom so bad that she was in the hospital for weeks.
Thanks everyone for giving me advice and just listening to me talk.. I needed that!
Post # 10
My ex was an abuser and your sister sounds alot like I did. Passive and didnt say anything. My ex isolated me from everyone I knew or made it so unpleasant that eventually no one came around. No friends and my family was barred from seeing me. He would terrorize us daily. We walked on eggshells. I tried to shield my children as much as I could from their father but it didnt work. Finally after a decade I got out, but only after he nearly killed me and our children one night after a liquor induced binge.
Your sister might have worked with women and children but she is probably in denial that its actually abuse. Some women dont see verbal abuse as abuse. They see it as blowing off steam. Also by admitting that her husband is abusive then she in her mind is admitting to failure. Every abused woman I know thinks if she had done everything right then things would be better. its not true of course because everyone is responsible for their own behavior.
Go to your sister when you can. Let her know that whatever happens you are there for her and her kids. In case she leaves him she needs to know she has a safe place to go. Also if you can convince her to make a copy of all important documents and also to keep clothes at your place in case she needs to leave quickly it will make things easier.
I counsel women now who are abuse survivors. She needs your support. Do you have other family besides you and your sister? How about mother and father?