OK to ask BF to unfriend ExWife?

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
7778 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I would be pretty offended if my boyfriend or fiancé decided I need to remove something from Facebook. I was married before (long before Facebook was a thing- so I don’t have any old wedding photos on it), but if I did I wouldn’t remove them. I view my Facebook as a history timeline and I’m not about to be rewriting history.

Post # 17
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I say no.  My Exhusband are friends on FB, but the first 5 years after we separated we were not because his girlfriend wouldn’t have it.  He unfriended me but didn’t remove pictures of me.  She hated that too but he insisted they were HIS memories, HIS FB, full stop.  I know for a fact he still went on my page to see what he could of what I’d post because if I told him something I had just posted a few hours ago he’d tell me he already saw it because if a mutual friend liked or commented it would show up for him.

The DAY he broke off their 5 year relationship he told me “the crazy is over! Send me a friend request!”  I didn’t because I thought the whole thing was stupid but I accepted his friend request later that night.  

I have pictures of him also in my FB and would drop anyone from my life who had the gall to tell me what I can or cannot do with my memories.  If your Fiance doesn’t even go on it anyway, what does it matter?  Be a strong independent self confident woman and tell anyone who mentions the pictures it’s JUST FB, just memories, his life and for them to move on and concentrate on their own lives.

Post # 18
Member
4063 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with PP  that it’s his life and timeline. Erasing those pics doesn’t mean she never existed, and who freaking cares if people see them on his timeline. I can’t fathom ever caring enough about a friend or family member’s fb enough to scroll through photos from years ago, not to mention then bringing up what i found. 

Post # 19
Member
7814 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I think it’s probably completely harmless that he still has the photos up. It sounds like he’s not a big FB user and prob never occurred to him to go through and delete old photos. Both my husband and I still have old photos with exes buried deep in our timelines – I noticed his when we were first dating but haven’t thought about it since.

That said, if my husband said it made him uncomfortable, I’d delete the photos and I’d hope he’d do the same for me. The only reason I haven’t deleted mine is sheer laziness/indifference. I think it’s fair to talk to him about your concerns. But at the same time, try not to be too hung up on social media as it’s not real anyway!

Post # 20
Member
9100 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Just because you’re in his life now doesn’t mean she never happened. You’re not going to be able to purge her.

I think there should be an open line of communication between you and your SO, but truthfully I find it to be very petty and childish.

They’re just pictures. He doesn’t use facebook. You’re reading way too far into this. Nobody else notices, nobody else cares.

I’d just put it out of your mind and move on.

Post # 21
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

My now-husband & I agreed when we officially began dating that pics of the ex’s needed to go. We both did a purge.

Post # 22
Member
2487 posts
Buzzing bee

You-“Let’s start picking out some candids for our FB pages and freshen them up a bit”. Then let his reaction be your guide to what the rest of the conversation should be.

Post # 23
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

itsgoingtohappen :  it’s fine to ask him to take down old photos and unfriend her. No reason if they have no kids for him still to be connected to her in any way. He shouldn’t have a problem with it. My current boyfriend was married for under a year and he quickly deleted all photos of them from his Facebook out of respect for me when I first friended him on Facebook when we started dating. He had no trouble doing that. He also cleared his apartment of her stuff on his own without me asking. I think it’s fine, and he should want you to feel like you are the woman in his life that is most important. Just approach it calmly and say you would like a fresh start and that it would really make you feel more comfortable if he cleared all the photos of her off his Facebook and unfriended her. 

Post # 24
Member
306 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

To be honest, I never understood why exes remained Facebook friends.  When I broke up with my ex, I disabled Facebook for a month to give him time to let his family know, then I reactivated it and deleted every trace of him on it.  

Its like a bandaid.  The faster you haul the whole thing off, the less it hurts.

Post # 25
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

I dont think that deleting an ex’s photos from your timeline is erasing the past any more than throwing out photos you have around the house would be. Why is one totally ok and not the other?

If I had an album on my coffee table of my ex and I, people who came to my house would think that was bizarre now that I’m married to my husband. Yet purging my social media timeline, which is more public than my private home albums, is wrong? Come on now.

If the OPs post said her fiance keeps a physical album of his previous wedding out for guests to their home to see, everyone here would be like “wtf, red flag, red flag!”

Post # 26
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

Going against the grain here.

I think the photos should be untagged, and I also think it’s reasonable for you to ask him to delete her because as his fiancé it makes you uncomfortable. 

Just talk with him about it.

xo

Post # 27
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

Here’s what I think the bottom line is: No one gets to decide what’s reasonable or unreasonable in your marriage except you and your spouse.

Regardless of whether or not anyone here in this forum thinks your request is reasonable or not, if you truly want it, you ask your husband, and he will hopefully respond honestly and let you know whether or not he’s willing to accommodate it and why or why not.

Post # 28
Member
2433 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

For you, and anyone else who happens to be wondering about anything. 

It is ok to talk to your partner about anything that concerns you, makes you nervous and unhappy. 

Just open your mouth and spill. The thing that is supposed to happen is, your partner will see things your way after you discuss it, OR he/she won’t, and should still discuss it, so you understand how they feel. 

THEN, you can decide what YOU want to do about it.

Post # 29
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

chocolateplease :  But isn’t the general consensus here that keeping photos of an ex is fine as long as they’re not displayed? Especially in a shared home? And there’s nothing wrong with sentimentality, you can be sentimental about someone, even fond of them and yet know they were not the right person for you. Most people are sentimental about their memories unless they’re terrible ones, so in a contentious divorce yeah it’d be weird but if it was an amicable breakup…is it that wrong to keep memories or to stay friends? 

They’re still his memories and his photos and it’s his decision what to do with them, granted in this case since he’s rarely online, it’s probably an out of sight, out of mind situation….but I find the idea that being sentimental about someone who once was very important to you being a red flag, a bit too cut and dried. >.>

Post # 30
Member
1533 posts
Bumble bee

littlemissdimsum :  I think you and I are on the same page. It’s fine to keep photos (and I’m more specifically talking about couple photos, not photos of family who all came to the event) but to display them would be weird. Just as to me, it would be weird to keep yourself tagged in wedding photos for all to see online. To me home album and the online album are on equal footing. Online timelines are not some set-in-stone record of life. I know some treat it that way, but it’s not for most people I know. 

I personally would not be ok with my husband being friends with an ex, either as real friends or as “friends” on social media. That’s my stance. Others may disagree and do. You can very well be friendly if you happen to run into each other, but to maintain an actual friendship where you make a consistent effort to keep in touch would not be for me. There’s exceptions to every rule, but my general answer is no to this.

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