OK to ask BF to unfriend ExWife?

posted 2 years ago in Engagement
Post # 31
204 posts
Helper bee

I would be uncomfortable with them still being friends but okay with the pictures.

Why be friends with someone you don’t interact with? He needs a friend purge. XD

However, pictures are a memory. Maybe change them to be unseen by other people, but that’s okay. Also, he probably spent a lot of money on the photographer. I’m sure they’re lovely pictures of his past that he wouldn’t mind keeping.

I wouldn’t be worried about him in any of this because you say he’s not big on social media.

Post # 32
456 posts
Helper bee

I would have absolutely no problem asking him to remove the ex wife and the pics. 

Post # 33
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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itsgoingtohappen :  I’m not going to speak specifically to the pictures and “friend status,” but instead to your feelings around it because that’s the real thing here. You say you want to “make her go away.” Untagging pictures and unfriending wont change the fact that she was his wife before you. 

I’m a “second wife.” My husband has two children with his ex. I get it. Trust me, I get it. I can’t tell you how often I wish she didn’t exist… That she didn’t marry my husband… That she didn’t have children with him so that she will always have a certain measure of control over what goes on in my home because her kids are there. But she does exist and she did do all those things. 

I could be way off base, but I know when I had feelings like yours crop up, it was grief for me. Grief over not being first. Grief over my life not looking like how I always imagined it would. And my grief over all of this is mine to deal with. Not hers and not my husband’s.

Seeing a counselor to sort it all out helped me a lot. You can avoid it a little more than I can since she won’t be “in your life,” but those feelings won’t go away until you deal with them, most likely. If you plan on marrying this man, you must learn to be okay with being his second wife. 

Time also helps immensely in all of this. In time you get more comfortable with it all, and with time grief over “losing” what you thought it would all look like fades some. But let me say, from someone who is living it, if you can’t learn to be “second” without wanting to “make her go away,” you might revaluate this relationship. You won’t have to deal with her as much as I do my husband’s ex-wife, but she will still exist and it will hurt your relationship with your boyfriend/fiancé if you can’t learn to be at peace with it. Speaking from experience here!

ETA: There are pictures of my husband and his ex in my house. Pictures of them together the day their children were born. Pictures of their travels. Their wedding book. Notes they wrote one another…. it’s all there because they have children who will want those things one day. I don’t like it, but I’ve had to learn to make peace. It is possible and if I demanded those not be allowed in the house it wouldn’t change what had come before me.

Post # 34
2689 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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itsgoingtohappen :  if it bothers you say something. If he just forgotten about it then there should be no issue correcting it and if he gets wierd about it then that’s a red flag you needed to see. 

Post # 35
848 posts
Busy bee

I think asking him to take down the pictures is okay. He can keep them like on his computer or something but I would find it disrespectful to have wedding pictures with someone else on social media. People are talking about someone having to a go deep into someone’s Facebook to find them but all you have to do is click on photos. Or if you’re not friends with the person yet pictures are often the only thing you can see. I’m in my mid twenties and (unfortunately) one of the first things people do is look up a person’s Facebook. In grad school we communicate through Facebook messenger and have tons of school Facebook groups. It’s a reflection of how you represent yourself and I would be hurt if that’s what my SO wanted people to see all over his profile. Now I wouldn’t care if he remained friends with her. 

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