Post # 1
Fiance and I love my niece and nephew. But, in the sense of total honesty, they’re demons. This isn’t to say they’re not good natured and very sweet, they are the vast majority of the time, they just DO NOT listen.
We really don’t want kids at the wedding at all, but we decided it wasn’t worth the resulting fight, especially after we moved our venue from the place that had a legitimate safety concern. (Kids falling in the lake)
Now, my sister has asked if I want them to be in the wedding. Never mind that she asked my mom and not me (which irks me, but not enough to cause a fuss).
Do i want to say yes and pray they’ll behave? (They’re 3 and 7, and my niece LOVES dressing up.) Or do I say no, knowing that it will be an issue?
Post # 3
Do you WANT a flower girl and ring bearer? If not, you can say no!!!
And i think it’s really rude to ask if your OWN children can be in the wedding. Weirdness
Post # 4
I’d say yes. I’d love to tell you to just follow your gut, but I know what I’d do. If you don’t have them their, your sis may cause family drama and no one wants that while planning a wedding, we brides-to-be need to avoid it if we can!
Post # 5
In my experience, most young children do not behave for the entire ceremony, let alone the entire celebration. Sometimes it can be cute, but if you aren’t really a kid person, or if you are already stressed out about the 1,000,001 other things you have to worry about that day, I’m sure it can get irritating. I personally think it’s funny when children get a little pouty and dump their flowers basket, but that is from an observor’s POV and not the bride. I can see how that could be “not so funny”. The major thing I have noticed is that the parents always have to come to the rescue when the child acts up or throws a tantrum, so they either cannot focus on the ceremony or have to leave the area altogether. I assume it is important to you that your sister be able to watch you get married, so this is something you might want to consider.
Plus, it’s been said so many times, but it’s true, it’s YOUR wedding! You have graciously agreed to allow children at the reception, and I don’t think there is ANYTHING wrong with not wanting the added drama of a ringbearer/flower girl at your ceremony. Explain to your sister that, for the sake of simplicity, you would like to keep the bridal party/procession as small as possible.
Post # 6
We never really talked about having a flower girl and ring bearer, we’re only having one person each standing with us, and it wasn’t even a thought.
I have a rocky past with this sister (primarily because of how she WAY overreacts to everything, when I left my first abusive husband, she took his side, and said I wasn’t her sister anymore.) Though this was years ago, and I’m doing my best to let it go, I still totally haven’t, and now our relationship is weird. Superficial.
If I say no, it will absolutely be a fight, I just don’t know if it’s one I want to have.
Post # 7
I’d say don’t do it. It’s your wedding and you’ve already established that you have a small wedding party.
They can still dress up and be at the wedding without being actually in the wedding. The chances of any children that age behaving through an entire ceremony is pretty slim (especially a 3 year old), let alone kids who already have some discipline issues.
I remember one wedding I attended where the flower girl threw herself onto the stage area and proceeded to have a full on tantrum in the middle of the ceremony. Her mom was a bridesmaid and had to leave to take her out into the hall area, but you could still hear her screaming. Nightmare.
Post # 8
At the end of the day its your wedding and its your choice. If you dont want to have a flower girl or ring bearer then dont add them just bc she wants them in your wedding. She will get over it!
Post # 9
Had your sister not asked, did you intend to have a ringbearer and flower girl?
ETA: I just saw your response, sorry about that. I would say no to her, but that’s just me. I guess you have to weigh the pros and cons and see if it’s worth it to you.
Post # 10
“If I say no, it will absolutely be a fight, I just don’t know if it’s one I want to have.”
That does sound like the key determination.In the end, I think you have to decide where you want to expend your energy. Though for the record, I am already righteously indignant about your sister possibly bullying the bride!
I did not want kids in my bridal party and ended up compromising because it was a hug deal to my Future Father-In-Law, who is paying for most of the wedding. But, the two kids are pretty well behaved and the parents on our top of the situation. Where you are having such a small bridal party, maybe you could find an alternative way to involve the kids–handing out programs or something?
Post # 11
You can always say no with “oh, we don’t want you to go to the trouble and expense and worry, so we decided to just let the kids enjoy being guests and keep the wedding party adults-only”. It’s easier to couch things in those terms, sometimes; my favorite is stopping kids from running around destroying my house by saying “if they don’t stay in the room with us I’m worried they’ll get hurt”. And if your sister makes it into a fight, blame the decision – “I wish I could but the decision was made ages ago, and just can’t be changed now”. No, it doesn’t really make sense but it’s better than saying telling her your mixed feelings about her and her kids. Of course if you do say yes make sure you have contingency plans in case they can’t handle the ceremony, deputize another relative to take them out if you can’t count on your sister to do it.
Post # 12
Eh, I wouldn’t do it and honestly I wouldn’t really feel bad saying no. You have a good excuse because you simply just don’t want a ring bearer or flower girl, which is very understandable.
Post # 13
I’d say no as well. You’re going to have enough stuff to worry about.
Post # 14
If you’re having a tiny wedding part, you absolutely have a good reason to say no. Most weddings I’ve been to haven’t had kids in the wedding party, so it’s pretty normal not to have it. It’s not like you’re blowing off her kids for someone else’s. Frankly, she sounds like someone who will fight you even if you say yes – on what they wear, where they stand, what they’re doing, etc, etc. I vote stand your ground now.
Post # 15
I loove my niece and nephews they are well behaved great kids! but….I dont want ringbears or a junior bridesmaid. If you did not include them already I dont think its a must for you now just because your sister said something.
Post # 16
Well first, she asked your mom right? Were there expectations regarding what your mom was to do? I guess I’m more forgiving this conversation. It might be she asked your mom for the same reason your on here. Maybe she wanted to see if your mom knew what was going on, without you feeling pressured to just say yes. I think it would have been more awkward if she did ask you. I’m assuming your mom mentioned it to you. That’s what moms do.
I wouldn’t hold it against your sister for hoping her kids are in the wedding. They’d look so cute dressed up etc. And I don’t hold it against her for putting feelers out there. Paying for little outfits costs money. She might need to budget. But I don’t know that you need to have them in the wedding.