Post # 1
I hope that I can let off some seam here, maybe get some advice, because I have a problem.
My old best friend/cousin got engaged this summer, they are having their wedding in August. She is 21, same age as me. When she told me the news I told her that I would be glad to be there, as I want her to be at my own wedding in the future. I was invited to be in her wedding party also. However, being only 21, it’s not like anyone our age has an excess of money lying around. She is getting married in New Mexico! A 13 hour (none stop) drive from me and ALL of the family. (All the family lives in the same small town in Texas, with only a few members like me and my other cousins living an hour or so out of ‘town’. Some family members already admitted they can’t make the trip, for example, even my mom won’t be going.
The only family members that I have heard are going are the grandparents, and I was told by my cousin that I should try to ‘car pool’ with them. (Which honestly makes me feel uncomfortable.) I have my own boyfriend who wouldn’t be going because he can’t miss work, and a little dog that I would have to tote along. (I have no friends in the town I live in right now, and I don’t trust strangers.)
But to get into even more inconvenient aspects, with the wedding being 13 hours away, and it starts at 10:30 in the morning! It’s obvious that we would need to get sleep between driving for 13 hours and going to her wedding, but she didn’t mention anything about hotel rooms nearby, and I certainly don’t have the money to stay in a hotel after paying for gas, a dress for her wedding party, and missing the day or more of work it would take to drive there.
I’m going to contact her and tell her how I feel, just that I’ve been thinking a lot about it and it’s turning out to be really troublesome. I feel bad because I really meant it when I said I wanted to be there for her, but I’m freaking out over here. I do plan to be at her wedding shower in a week on the 16th (which she is having in town where all the family lives). But I just don’t know what to do about this.
Oh and before anyone ask, I don’t know where her fiancee’s family lives, none of us have ever met him.
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
I don’t know your financial situation, but it sounds to me like you are overreacting and getting yourself very worked up. Take a moment to breathe and think rationally about the situation. It’s entirely normal for bridesmaids and family to have to travel. Of course the reality is that some people may not be able to make it, but geez, one of my bridesmaids came to Florida from Pennsylvania. If this is something you really cannot afford to do (and your parents can’t help), you need to talk to her immediately and tell her what you can afford and just be upfront that if she can’t host you overnight or pay for a hotel room (or pick up some other expense that makes it possible for you to afford that), then you don’t see how you can possibly make it. Why can’t your boyfriend watch your dog? Isn’t it also kind of silly to let not wanting to leave your dog with a sitter or kennel a bad reason to consider missing your cousin and close friend’s wedding? I love my dog to pieces, but I would find something to do with him for one or two nights so I could go to a wedding. I mean, people left their children with sitters overnight to come to my wedding. Their children.
Post # 4
I’m going to contact her and tell her how I feel, just that I’ve been thinking a lot about it and it’s turning out to be really troublesome.
Wow, please don’t do that. She is entitled to have her wedding wherever she wants, and one state over (even though I know Texas is a big state; I grew up there) is really, really normal for a wedding.
If you can’t afford to be in the wedding party, tell her. But she is doing nothing wrong here.
ETA: I realize I wasn’t clear here. I mean, don’t tell her that her choices are troublesome; tell her that the costs are prohibitive for you to be in her wedding party.
Post # 5
Her wedding is inconvenient for YOU, but that doesn’t make it troublesome in general.
Call her, and tell her you can’t afford it, and you wish you could be there. Please don’t tell her that her wedding is inconvenient. lol. Or just tell her you can’t afford the bridal party and everything else and you’d rather attend as a regular guest to cut down on your costs.
Honestly, I’m having an “inconvenient” wedding and I figured the people who really care about being there will find a way to make it work. Also, I don’t want my friends’ moms and co-workers and other random people who I am not close with to be there. Maybe your friend feels the same way. She wants something a bit smaller with her closest friends/family….and she planned all this on purpose.
Your title says “old best friend”….when did you get the invite for this wedding that is a few months away? Are you sure she actually expects all of her extensive family and “old” friends, their boyfriends, etc. to attend? I doubt it.
Post # 6
lol thanks guys, yeah I didn’t want to make her feel like she was doing wrong, just that it is not working for me. but I haven’t completely given up. I’m going to see what I can do about it. in order to make it to her wedding.
It was just frankly annoying in a way because they met and up and decided to get married pratically the next day. Me and the bf would be married by now but we feel like we should be a little more financially stable. we definitely wouldn’t expect our other freinds who are our age to drive 13 hours to come to our wedding, unless we could pay the way for them, but we can’t, cause we’re all 20 or 21 years old, and it seems like my cousin gave up any convenience for her guest to make it completely convienient for her and her to be. … but maybe she’s pregnant and just hasn’t told anyone, maybe that’s the reason for the rush. guh… (it’s a real thought, everyone else from my highschool has already had a baby) O_O
Sorry about being so young and ranting! I know this is supposed to be a happy place. but believe me, I really am going to try and be there for her. I just had to get some of this off my chest.
Post # 7
@ErinJohnCookie: It’s ok, there’s lots of ranting here. 🙂 It sounds like there’s a lot of frustration and confusion about her choices for you, and that the prospect of having to drive 13 hours and stay overnight was maybe just the icing on the cake.
ETA: And you and your BF’s responsible choices will be their own reward in the end.
Post # 8
I’m going to echo what others have mentioned here as well. First, don’t loose sight of how important this is. This is a very exciting (and stressful) time – she’s getting married to the man she loves and they have chosen this location to stand up in front of family and friends to say “I Do” – it is obviously meaningful to them. To top it off, she has asked you to be a bridesmaid, to stand up there next to her and support her through this momentous occasion – you should be honored, thrilled, and flattered that you are that special to her.
Second, put yourself in her shoes. You mentioned that you would like her in your wedding – wouldn’t you be upset if she complained to you about the inconvenience of it? or the cost? Your statements come across as criticism of her decisions, tread lightly here – you never know down the road what she might consider “inconvenient” and I bet that would upset you if you were on the receiving end.
Third, be grateful that the situation isn’t worse. You could be having to fly somewhere, you might have had to stay at a very upscale hotel or resort, you could be the Maid/Matron of Honor (all the extra expenses & responsibilities!).
And finally, I know that it’s tough not having that “extra” cash around – but in the grand scheme of things, the money you spend on this will be very small. So you pitch in for gas, share a hotel room (and please kennel your dog or leave it with your BF/Mom/someone) and purchase the dress/shoes. Remember that in the not to distant future you will be asking someone to do the same for you. I’ve always found that while I’m not a good “budget-er” or “saver” it’s when I have something worth saving for that I can sacrifice to make it happen.
I’ll digress to a personal story: a close friend got married last year and reached out to me & my honey to make sure that we’d attend her wedding – we love and support her so of course we’d be there. As it turns out her wedding was at a country resort in Ireland: that was more than 24hours of travel time (and three flights), rental car because it was in the countryside, a very expensive hotel room, oh, and it was a black-tie affair. We aren’t people who live an extravagant lifestlye, but it meant so much for us to share in that day. (on the finance side: We planned ahead and saved for our attire and travel $$ and got a 0% APR for 6 mo. credit card for the flight/car/hotel it did take us the full 6mos. to pay it off) Now when we get married next year do we hold it against her that she has to come to ours – no. But we love one another and are dear friends, so I know that even if she and her husband and baby boy can’t make the journey, she will share that with only sadness and regret.
PS – it sounds like you have bigger concerns with her relationship and choices than the wedding itself (you’ve never met the man, she’s not including her family…those may be separate issues altogether)
Post # 9
Like I said, what makes you think she EXPECTS everyone to be there? You bring up her making it inconvenient…I don’t get it?
By having this wedding in August 13 hours away, she planned this knowing not everyone would be able to make it, and that means she’s fine with that. I wouldn’t be surprised if she actually doesn’t care if half the people she invited are there and just sent a ton of courtesy invites.
I feel you judging her as pregnant is kind of lame, and it also tells me you’re not grasping the point.
Tell her you don’t have the money, and stop judging her. I hope you’re not telling other friends/family you think she’s pregnant…
Post # 10
I purposely had an “inconvenient” wedding so that people who would rather judge and complain don’t actually come. Really helped me narrow down the guest list.
Post # 11
It’s entirely your choice if you decide to go or not. It’s not your cousins “fault” if you can’t go. Just tell her you don’t have the money, and you can’t make it work.
SO and I have decided to fly 6500 miles to a wedding (and neither of us are in the wedding party), costing around $3000 in flights alone (without car hire once we get there, accommodation etc); I’ve just graduated and am unemployed. SO and I have made “sacrifices” elsewhere except I don’t see them as sacrifices, since the bride and I have been friends for 15 years. We made it work because it’s important to us (well, me).
Post # 12
Please don’t tell her how inconvenient her wedding is. Sit down, run the numbers, and figure out whether you can realistically attend and/or be in her wedding. If you can’t, you can’t.
And if you can’t I would stick with saying something to the effect of: “I really want to be at your wedding and to stand up for you, but I’ve been trying to budget, and unfortunately I just can’t swing it right now. I’ll still be at your shower, and I want lots of pictures, but I don’t think I can be there for the wedding day.” Or if you don’t want to discuss the finances you can leave it at “Unfortunately, it’s just too far for me to travel.”
Either way, you don’t need to tell her what you think of her location and ceremony timing choices. All you need to tell her is you care about her, you wish you could be there, but unfortunately you can’t.
Post # 13
I think simply declining the invitation is enough. You can’t make your wedding convenient for everyone and you definately can’t please everyone. There really is no good that will come out of you telling how inconvenient it is for you to make.
Post # 14
@mrsbruff2b: I purposely had an “inconvenient” wedding so that people who would rather judge and complain don’t actually come. Really helped me narrow down the guest list.
Oh man, I love this! And same here, sista 🙂
Post # 15
Plus, the statement of her making her wedding convenient for her….of course she’s going to make it convenient for her and her fiance. There are so many logistical issues that come with having a wedding in another town than where you live, much less another state. Especially if you are a young 20 year …. I would simply tell her that you really want to be there for her, but you’re worried that cost wise you may not be able to make it work. You never know, she may have some solutions on her end…such as lodging, dress cost, etc.
Post # 16
@ErinJohnCookie: Sorry, I have to chime in here for a second. You have no idea why she is getting married when she is and just because you both went to a high school in which everyone got pregnant, does not necessarily mean she is. Also, without having met the future husband (which may be because you say she’s an “old” best friend), you have no idea if them being married will actually benefit them. I’m in your age range and got married recently and it was the right decision for us, it doesn’t mean I’m pregnant and making stupid choices. It was actually a smart decision for us to get married. However, I have a friend that would lose her health insurance, her car insurance and a few other things if she did get married so she and her fiance have to wait. It’s different for different couples. Also, I’m sorry that you feel you and your boyfriend should already be married when she met someone and (seemingly) decided to get married so quick. It’s different for different couples.
As for the problem, don’t tell her that she’s having a troublesome wedding. Heck, like other bees, she may be doing it on purpose! If you truly care and truly want to be at her wedding, come up with the money, let your boyfriend watch the dog and go have some fun. If not, then tell her that you simply can’t make it b/c of your finances. I’m sure she’ll understand.