Post # 1
An ex boyfriend whom I dated about 6 or so years ago (before I even met my FI) passed away over the weekend unexpectedly. We weren’t together for very long, a few months or so. He was my first real boyfriend. I haven’t seen him in about 4 years or so, just the occasional “Happy Bday” on Facebook and the like. We did hang out a few times after we broke up, so we were friendly afterwards, but I wouldn’t consider myself close to him now. I’m not sure what to think or do..it’s just a big shock and a bit upsetting.
I’m not sure whether I should go to the visitation and/or the funeral service…I only met his family and a few of his friends on a couple of occasions and because of how long ago it was I’m sure they wouldn’t remember me.
I feel like maybe I should go to say my goodbyes. My Fiance told me that he would come with me if I decided to go to a visitation or the funeral service. But he’s leaving that decision up to me if I want to go at all.
What would you do if you were me?
Post # 3
This is really …strange… but I’m likely going to go through this shortly.
I just found out that my ex (we were together over 1 year & lived together) has stage 4 esophageal cancer. There is no cure, and the survival rate is less than 5%. Basically, he’s dying.
So, I’ve been asking myself about this lately, and the conclusion I came to is that this ex is not a part of my life anymore, and I am going to let it remain that way. I’ll send silent prayers, but nothing more. I can’t be a support system to him or his friends/family (who are also not a part of my life any longer). And I don’t want to be.
Moreover, I feel it is unfair to my Fiance on some level… so, that’s why I voted no, don’t go. Because it’s what I’ve decided for myself.
Post # 4
I don’t think there’s ever anything wrong with going to a service to remember and grieve for someone. If it would bring you some comfort, you should feel welcome to go.
Very sorry for your loss.
Post # 5
You go to a memorial service not for the deceased, but to support their friends and family.
If you were not particularly close to the friends or family (and kinda sounds that way) then I would say don’t go.
Post # 6
If you feel you want to go, you should go. There is nothing at all wrong with commemorating a life of someone who was once very important to you.
Post # 7
I don’t know if he did or didn’t, but if he had a current girlfriend or woman in his life I wouldn’t feel right going as it is her time to mourn him in those settings more than a long-ago-ex who didn’t really keep in touch. I’d offer my prayers for his family and friends from afar and let those who were closest with him and in his life attend the services and mourn him there together like they should. It’s good for you to think of him, remember him, and say your own silent good byes but I don’t think you need to go to the funeral or visitation.
A random thought…if your Fiance were to suddenly pass how would you feel if his ancient ex gfs showed up at his funeral mourning him?…If it were me, I’d feel their presence was odd. Just a thought though, he might not have had a woman in his life, idk.
I’m sorry he was lost so suddenly, it’s never fair when that happens. Condolences.
Post # 8
If you want to go, then (assuming no one would be bothered by you going) go. Funerals are for the person attending and to provide comfort to those close to the deceased.
I recently attended the funeral of my ex-boyfriend’s dad. We dated for several years in college, which was many years ago. He is now engaged. Even though we see each other sometimes at gatherings of friend’s (he does not live in the same town anymore), I asked a friend to check with him if it’d be ok to attend because while I wanted to pay my respects, I wanted to respect their wishes/not make him uncomfortable. I got back the a-ok, so rsvp’d and we attended. His mom even thanked me for coming and gave me a hug.
Post # 9
- Wedding: September 2014 - Lodge
2 years after high school graduation an ex was in a car accident and passed away. I went. I bawled my eyes out. I still get teary eyed when I think about him. I even ran into his parents about a year ago when I was working at a doctors office. It was strange and the moment I saw them I bawled again, gave them hugs and we talked for a bit.
Just because you didn’t work out as a couple does not mean you can’t show respect for him after he’s passed. At one time you loved him, cared for him etc. I think it would mean alot to his family if you were there. Plus this would give you some closure on his passing. I think you might regret not going if you feel you should and don’t.
ETA: Ex was seeing another girl at the time of his passing. I did not upstage her, I didn’t even introduce myself to her or even go up to his parents. Although I was sitting by the aisle and when his parents walked up they saw me and gave me a quick hug before exiting. I let them have their moments as a family and let his girlfriend have her moment as his special friend etc. I just came to say goodbye, show my respects and mourn his loss.
Post # 10
I guess it depends how close you are, but if you were casual friends with someone who you used to be closer to, and you found out they died, would you go then? Because I don’t think the nature of your relationship (since it ended on friendly terms) should affect that, especially if your Fiance is okay with it. Maybe it’s just me and maybe I linger too long, but if I end a relationship on good terms, I don’t see why that person has to be out of my life forever. I have plenty of casual exes (as does DH) that we still see socially.
Post # 11
@jlc3: This is more about you and what you need to move forward. People can’t really tell you how to feel in the grieving process, or what’s appropriate and what’s not. Since you said “I feel like maybe I should go to say my goodbyes” I’m guessing that you need to go…so just go. If you don’t feel like this will be necessary to move on with your life, then don’t go. There’s nothing wrong with going to the viewing but not the funeral—that’s usually more open to everyone whose lives were touched by the deceased.
Post # 13
You can go to the funeral and basically be invisible, you don’t need to proclaim to anyone you are a longago ex. Go pay your respects to your ex and leave. I don’t agree that you go for friends and family, you can go for the deceased and yourself. I’ve you want to go, go. if anyone does speak to you, just say your an old friend.
Post # 14
@jlc3: I would send the family a card/flowers and not attend anything
Post # 15
Thanks bees, I really appreciate the advice and votes for any of the options. And truly, thank you for sharing your stories and experiences with these type of situations. They are delicate to begin with and many of you brought up some different points I didn’t even consider. I’m going to sleep on it tonight I think. Right now I’m leaning towards not going…and grieving privately.
Either way I think I would like to send either online condolences or a card to the funeral home for his parents and older brother.
I spoke to one of his friends (that I am friends with too) via text earlier today, and expressed how sorry I was as it was a close friend to him. And he ended off with “I’ll make sure to tell X hi from you at the viewing. 🙂 ” That sort of made me rethink going at all…
Post # 16
@jlc3: I wouldn’t go. Let all that’s in your past stay in your past – good and bad.
I had to deal with something like this. My last ex went back to dating an old girlfriend soon after breaking up with me. A few months later, he got into a car accident with her and her kids in the car. She died and he was critically injured. Kids survived.
My first reaction was to go to the hospital. (THANKFULLY) I was away when it happened, at the beach with friends so I had time to think before acting. After thinking about it (I was with my Fiance but we weren’t engaged yet) and rationalizing through it, I decided that it would not be fair to share my emotional capacity with my ex, his family, and his situation. That’s his situation to bear and deal with, not mine. I did send a note of condolence through his brother and best friend (I am still good friends with his best friend’s wife) but that’s it.
Let it rest. Let him rest.