(Closed) older child invited but not younger?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Is it appropriate to split the kids this way?
    Absolutely not. Both children should go, or neither. : (15 votes)
    14 %
    The younger one should have the choice to attend. : (7 votes)
    7 %
    It's not how I would do it, but it's up to the bride. : (19 votes)
    18 %
    WTF are you worrying about? The age cutoff is fair & sensible. : (64 votes)
    61 %
  • Post # 3
    981 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Elementary school kids don’t get offended about not being invited to weddings, they are familiar with the concept of having to be XXX age or XXX height to participate in an activity. Have fun and be happy that you won’t have to supervise anyone who has trouble sitting still through a ceremony or reception!

    Post # 4
    2522 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    You know, surprisingly, I do have a problem with this.  To me it’s either all children or no children, the age cut off bothers me a bit.  I’m all for child-free weddings but this does bother me.

    But since your son would rather do something else, I wouldn’t push it.  If it was a wedding I was traveling a long distance for and we couldn’t make alternative arrangements for the other child, then I would bow-out.

    Post # 5
    1269 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    Kids don’t care.  And if they did, they will get over it.  She’s not showing favortism.  It’s just that your daughter is a more appropriate age to participate.  Yes, relax.

    ETA: That sounds a little snippy. 🙂  I just meant to answer all your questions! 

    Post # 6
    686 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    My opinion might not be super popular, but I think that like events for adults, not all children are completely suited to particular events and therefore shouldn’t be invited. I wouldn’t invite a cousin’s bratty children (for examples sake only, I’m sure your son is great) in the same sense that I would not invite the family drunk. Not everyone is meant to go to everything. 

    I would just relax and go with your daughter. Your son shows no interest in going, and you’ve recognized that he’s a handful who could cause problems at this event if not closely monitored. The bride will probably be happy to be minus a distraction/ruckus/potential issue.

    Look at it as a night out with your daughter- not a night without your son! I bet she’ll be excited to spend some time just the two of you!

    Post # 7
    5494 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I don’t think your son will be offended by this in the future and it’s great that he’ll be at a friend’s house instead of a “boring wedding.”  

    However, I do think it’s rude and thoughtless that your sister wouldn’t invite her nephew to her wedding.  Even if there was an age cutoff for more distant children, this is not a random child, it’s her nephew.  I would have a serious problem if this happened in my family.

    Post # 8
    3375 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’m not really a fan of kids at weddings, but she should have invited the whole family if one kid was in the wedding.

    I don’t have neices/nephews but I can’t imagine not inviting them to the wedding.

    Post # 9
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    isn’t this what they call a win/win?

    I think it is very nice she asked your daughter to be a bridesmaid.  I can also understand the age cutoff.  Your son gets to have a fun evening at friend’s house and you can have a night out, enjoy!

    Post # 10
    654 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    My mom’s cousins did this when they got married.  They had an age cutoff and that was it.  This meant that my older brothers were invited and my little brother and I weren’t.  I was maybe bummed for a second and then realized that we always had fun with the babysitter.  I can understand why you would be upset but I don’t think it’s a big deal.

    Post # 11
    1668 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I did this.  The only younger children we invited are our siblings, nieces and nephews (ages 5-11). I have a cousin with a teenage daughter and two other children under 6.  I invited the teenager but not her other kids.  If she feels this will be traumatic for the kids she can leave them all home.  It’s her choice.

    Post # 12
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee

    Etiquette says you can invite whomever you like.  You can invite one brother but not the other, and be perfectly polite.  But that doesn’t mean that it won’t upset someone. 

    I think it is fine.  The OP asked the child if they wanted to go, and they said no.  There is no reason to even say he wasn’t wanted. You asked he declined the invite. 

    I can’t think of too many young boys that would prefer going to a ceremony that they have to sit still and quietly, wearing dress shoes, and a clip on tie, followed by another few hours of sitting still and quietly, eating with good manners, a meal that is more adult centered then he may be used to.  Then a few hours of dancing.  Doesn’t seem like too many young boys would prefer that to staying home with a babysitter and eating hotdogs, and watching movies.

    Post # 13
    4336 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    Whenever someone asks on here about “well, I want to invite these kids but not these,” people suggest that they make the kids part of the bridal party! This seems to be the same situation.

    Post # 14
    2018 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2010

    My best friend has two children very far apart in age: One was 17 at the time of our wedding and her son was 7.  I did ask her if she was offended about not inviting the 7 year old (like he would care) and she said she wouldn’t dream of bringing him.  He’d rather be home with a video game so where’s the fun in being dragged to an evening wedding?  Plus, it wouldn’t have been fun for her to have to watch and entertain him all night long.

    Post # 15
    148 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    I think it’s rude to invite some children and not others. BUT, you seem to be more concerned with how your son will take it as opposed to the etiquette of the situation.

    Should I be concerned that later on he will come to feel offended about being excluded? No, boys (especially that young) really don’t care about things like weddings. If he said he wants to do something else that’s more fun, I wouldn’t worry about him being offended down the road.

    Should I be concerned that my sister shows favortism to my daughter? I’m not sure this could be labeled favoritism, as your daughter is in the wedding and your son is not. 

    Should I just relax and enjoy the wedding? Yup! 

    Post # 16
    15 posts
    • Wedding: October 2015

    i’m doing this and i’m certain it won’t go over well. but i do not care.

    my fsil just had a baby…cutest thing on the planet….not invited

    she has two boys that will be 14 and 12 for the wedding and my other fsil has a daughter that will be 14 all invited. they know how to sit still and when to make noise

    my fbil has 2 children under 5…again not invited and that fbil is coming from out of town. still don’t care. my wedding my rules. i wouldn’t be offended if someone had the common sense to say that children around this age can’t handle it and will be bored, and i had children. also i assume my younger nephew the 12 yo will stay behind with his sister…he hates mushy stuff

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