- 5 months ago
- Wedding: January 2016
I feel like a horrible person even to say this. And I can write in great detail and you may or may not feel where I’m coming from. But wether I say it out loud or keep it to my self, or wether you agree with me or not, I just feel this way. And I need to find a way to pass my pain.
Short back story, I’m now 34, my sister is 39. We are extremely close but live in different cities. We talk multiple times a day. We both have PCOS. Her and her husband TTC for 2 months back in 2012 and she had my nephew after trying only for 2 months. He is one of the best things in my life. Meanwhile me and my husband have been trying to concieve for almost 2 years now. We had 2 chemicals/miscarriages both died under 8 weeks. Didn’t even get to hear the heartbeat. I have been going through all sorts of things like suppository progesterones twice a day, to peeing on sticks every morning, and paying hundreds of dollars to ovulation kits, pregnancy tests, and all sorts of suppliments. On top I found out that my AMH levels are looking fine but my FSH is same level as a lady who’s 45 yo and older.
Today she told me out of no where, that she had some good news, but she made it sound like somebody died. So I panicked, she said relax you’ll be an aunt again. And I promise a part of me is so happy for her, and for my nephew that he’ll have a baby brother, and for even for my parents that they’ll be grandparents again. But it hurt me so bad. SO bad that she never had her baby taken from her. She got pregnant with ease. She is older, and has same genes, but she’s blessed with children and I am cursed with struggles. I know it is a horrible thing to say. And i would never wish miscarriages even for my worst enemy, but it just hurts. I don’t get why I have to suffer through pain when she has suprise children when they’re barely having sex, and they’re on protection too! I couldn’t ask details on how it happened, if they had planned it, because I was having hard time holding my tears and saying nice things to her. But last time she told me her husband does not want a second one and that he’d wear double layer condoms if he could to make sure there won’t be any accidents. So I hate that this happened, and I hate myself for feeling this way.
I think what hurt most is that she kept it from me, so did my parents. My parents came to visit me stay with us for a week and didn’t say one word. I feel betrayed, by God, by my sister and my parents. I feel left out, I actually feel like I’ve been removed from the family. And I feel so sad and so angry.. I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure why I’m writing this post either. I’m happy, excited, frustrated, sad, desperate, miserable, hopeless, and so so so angry, and depressed also ashamed all at the same time.
I wanna be there for her, share her happiness, but it’s just too soon. I was due around this time with my first baby. I don’t want my sister to sense that I feel negative emotions towards her pregnancy, because deep down all I want her to be happy. But my heart is into million pieces. I am so angry and sad. And I’m tired of crying. And i don’t know how to stop feeling this way. Because these negative feelings make me feel guilty and ashamed as if I need more conflicting feelings.
If only she shared the news the minute she found out she was pregnant, I’d feel much much much better. Aparently she went through all sorts of worries because of her age, if she let me go through them with her, then I wouldn’t feel so left out and so horrible. At the same time, I do understand that this is not about me, it’s about her. And she can share with whomever she wants and when she wants to. But the fact that God gave me this, is breaking my heart, making me think I must be a horrible person to deserve all this. And my sister, my best friend, my other half, kept this MAJOR thing from me for 4 months, and my parents kept it too. While they all knew this and they all celebrated this. And I was very much outside of all this, is bringing me tears, and making me feel lonelier than ever. Today I feel like I lost my sister and parents, or I’ve been abandoned by them, and God officially declared his hatered on me. This week I also ound out that I got reected from my dream job that I live for, for the 5th time. And when I was barely dealing with that news, this came on top. I seriously have no reason to move on or have any expectations from the future. I am very much done with this life. I wish I could give my healthy body to someone who’s body is failing, and just dissapear from this life like I never existed. If there were that kind of deal somewhere, I’d sign it right now…