Older sister pregnant – Hurts me more than making me happy

posted 5 months ago in TTC
Post # 2
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - Church where I grew up

First, calm down and breathe. Remember that you are loved so much by your husband, your sister, your mother, your nephew, and God. I, too, have struggled when my sister has had dreams come true and I have been left out in the cold. In my case, my 6 1/2 years younger sister got married when I hadn’t even been on a date in almost a decade. I was so happy for her, but so jealous and sad for myself. The night before her wedding, I had a breakdown and was sure I was going to be an old maid! (Now, three years later, it’s finally my turn – in 41 days! But that’s beside the point)

I also have PCOS. My FH and I haven’t yet tried for a baby, but I am scared to death of not being able to conceive and/or carry a child to term. It took me so long to find the man I love, and he deserves to be a father! He knows about my PCOS, and what it means. We’ve already agreed to look into adopting a child if we don’t conceive by our first anniversary. But, while I would love any adopted child as I would my own, my heart breaks even now at the thought that I might not be able to get pregnant (and to miscarry, I can’t even fathom that pain!). The one thing that women can do that men can’t – and I might fail at it.

So, my situation may not be exactly the same as yours, but I do understand some of the pain you must be going through. Your jealousy is very understandable in these circumstances. In fact, I’d be worried if you weren’t. Your sister has received a gift that you badly want – twice! And your arms and womb are still empty and your heart broken. I grieve with you.

But I want to assure you that you are not alone. I’m not going to placate you with the little well-meaning sayings that people say when they try to comfort you. But I will share this fact. God loves you so much. Jesus died for you. Your little children that you lost so early on are safe in his arms at this moment. And so are you. Jesus cries with you. I’m praying right now that one day soon, you will be blessed with your miracle child. In the meantime, spoil that nephew of yours. Celebrate the birth of your future niece or nephew. And allow yourself to grieve the children you’ve lost.

Reach out to your husband, parents, and sister for support. They do love you, and you shouldn’t feel like you’ve lost them through this. I understand why you’re hurt that they didn’t tell you. I would be, too. But, from what you’ve said, they seemed to have the best of intentions at heart. They know you’re still grieving your miscarriages and that this news would not be welcome. Lean on them for support. And if you’re the praying type, reach out to God. Reach out to a trusted pastor or counselor to help you talk through the pain.

I should let you know that I am a pastor, myself. If you would like to, PM me, and we can talk more. Stay strong. God’s got this!

Post # 3
Member
8820 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

selenanana :  “But it hurt me so bad. SO bad that she never had her baby taken from her.” — Please tell me I’m misreading this. I’m sorry for your troubles and don’t want to jump on you when you’re down, but if you are saying you’re hurt that she never had a baby taken from her, you need serious help. This is probably why she was reluctant to share the news. 

i don’t know how to stop feeling this way.” — Therapy. I’m not being glib or snarky. Have you considered seeing someone about this? It might help you sort through these feelings. It’s very normal to be devestated by your own miscarriages (also normal not to be) and to be envious and even resentful about others’ pregnancies, but I do not think it’s normal to feel hurt that one of your loved ones did not suffer a miscarriage.

Post # 4
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

selenanana :  I could not possibly imagine the pain you’re going through. Just know your sister and parents did not know how to tell you without sending you into the spiral of depression you find yourself now. My brother and his wife lost their first baby in the third trimester; my cousin lost her baby due to complications of Down syndrome after the baby was born; another cousin lost her baby after birth because he was severely underweight. But you know what they all have in common? All three kept trying, and now have 6 healthy kids between them. I guess my point is, do not give up. Do not stop trying. Have faith in your body. And if you become frustrated in the process, just remember you have a lot of love to offer an unwanted baby or child. 

Post # 5
Member
47206 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Given how awful you are feeling right now, is it not understandable why your sister did no come to immediately share her pregnancywith you?

You are entitled to feel how you feel. Our feelings help us process and incorporate what’s happening in our lives.

I’m not going to jump down your throat for how you wored what you are feeling. It’s obvious that you are in a lot of pain about your inabiity to carry a pregnancy.

Have you considered two options- time?  You only learned of her pregnancy today. or therapy?

 

Post # 6
Member
14926 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think it’s important to remind yourself that anyone elses success (or pain) has no bearing on your own situation.  Once you get over the comparisions (she’s older, she has PCOS too, she didn’t even want another… BUT she is pregnant again) and just focus on yourself, I think the feelings may lessen.  We tried for over 5 years with two losses along the way… pretty much everyone I knew had a child in that time, many had 2, and my cousin even had 3 all while I was trying for my 1.  I just focused on what I could do for myself and knew that no matter how lucky they are, they’re not “taking” my luck, and anyone else I met on infertility boards who were miserable and in my kind of situation didn’t make me feel any better or make my situation better.  

Post # 7
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you need some more support. Is there a support group in your area or online with other women who are having trouble conceiving that you could speak with? I’m so sorry your going through that, and I don’t really have any advice as I’m not trying yet and can’t imagine what your going through,  But I think it’s always ok to tell people your struggling, and there are always other options. My mom and dad tried for years and even carried one baby and lost it at 5 months. They then adopted me and my brother. I can’t put into words how amazing my adopted parents are and how grateful I am for them. All doors aren’t closed it might just be a different door. Lots and lots of hugs bee. selenanana :  

Post # 8
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

selenanana :  have you guys looked into adoption? It’s a beautiful thing! I’m sorry you’re going through this. *hugs*

Post # 9
Member
303 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

There is no shame in feeling the way you do and it sucks but its valid. I want to offer support and say that you will get your time. I feel like families have ways of achieving equilibrium and it might sound silly but this is her time for pregnancy but your time is coming. I encourage you to seek support where you find it suits you best and take care of yourself so you can be ready for your time when it comes. Sometimes it is healing and cathartic to gather your family together and express your feelings to them in a reasonable way so you yourself feel better and supported. It sounds like you need family support and honesty and openness is important with those involved to achieve this. Not all hope is lost and you’re definitely not alone! 

Post # 10
Member
903 posts
Busy bee

adriannamonet :  That is about the worst thing you can suggest to a couple suffering from infertility. Of course you know DAMN WELL they’re aware of adoption as an option.  No need to remind them.  Please do not ever ever do this again.  It’s just pouring salt into an open wound and does absolutely nothing to help or comfort.

Post # 11
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

dgirl715 :  First of all, back off. Why are you singling out adriannamotet when half of us suggested adoption? By the way, try telling ladyjane123 to never suggest adoption to anyone who can’t conceive. Yes it’s tragic some women can’t conceive, but it’s equally tragic to be a child who feels abandoned. No need to be so harsh.  

Post # 12
Member
903 posts
Busy bee

bearinabeecostume :  I’m sorry.  I write as someone who struggled with 5 years of PCOS and many rounds of infertility treatment before conceiving our child. It’s one thing to offer stories of encouragement that include adoption as others did on this thread; it’s another thing (and is often perceived as cruel by those battling infertility) to just flippantly suggest adoption without adding anything else to the convo like the poster I replied to did.  

 

I’m just saying anyone who’s gone through fertility struggles is TOTALLY aware of their options, including adoption. It’s wonderful when people choose to adopt (one of my bff’s adopted twice aftet it became clear they wouldn’t be able to conceive), it’s also not the job/ responsibility of infertile couples to adopt as if it’s a magic “solution” to heal the pain of not being able to have your own biological children.

 

And when you’re infertile, people LOOOOOOVE to tell you you should just adopt. People who adopt tend to have a special heart / mission to love abandoned, hurting, and unwanted children. Being infertile does not automatically mean you have that “chip” inside you. Also, adoption is often financially and legally prohibitive to couples. It’s emotionally draining as you’re yanked through the mind-f*ck of birth moms changing their minds, a grandparent unexpectedly wanting parental rights, etc. Adoption is beautiful but it is often a long and expensive (financially and emotionally) process. Plus many countries don’t allow adoptions to parents over the age of 40, parents without a certain net worth, parents not of a certain religion, etc. 

 

If you read any advice blogs, columns, etc from women who have battled infertility, they almost unanimously have a list of things infertile couples do not want to hear:

1. Just relax, it will happen when you stop trying so hard.

2. Just adopt.

3. It’s all in God’s plan. 

 

This is a great quote from a blogger about adoption that sums up all I have left to say on it:

“Adopting a child isn’t like going down to the animal shelter and rescuing a lab mix. Please don’t suggest adoption to me unless you’re going to follow up by handing me a check for $30,000 and a glowing letter of recommendation.”

Post # 13
Member
810 posts
Busy bee

dgirl715 :  I’m sorry too. I imagine a post like OP’s can be triggering, and not one of could possibly understand the pain you are going through unless we experience it first hand. I have several people close to me who were adopted, and all of them hit the lottery when it came to being adopted by loving parents who otherwise couldn’t conceive. Sadly, each couple spend thousands upon thousands on fertility treatments, only to spend thousands more to adopt. The world is so incredibly unfair: those who want to conceive can’t; those who don’t want kids are fertile; and those looking to love someone elses unwanted child can’t because of financial reasons, or other.

I wish nothing but health and happiness to you and your growing family, Bee. 

Post # 15
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

You’re not a horrible person at all. What you’re going through is an indescribably devasting thing that you carry with you every day. I have been trying to have children for five years. I’ve had two ectopics and a miscarriage. After I had lost the first two, my sister became pregnant with her second child. I didnt feel happy for her at all. I felt anger and sadness and just sick. And then I felt terrible for not feeling happy for her. She called me to tell me there may be some problems with the pregnancy, and she was really scared. I realised then that my feelings were less about not being happy for her, and more about being devasted for myself. Not because of what she had, but entirely because of what I had lost. Its impossible to hear about other peoples children and pregnancies without it bringing everything to the surface again for you. She ended up losing that baby, and I was devasted for her. And then she went on to have another uncomplicated pregnancy while I went on to have another ectopic. Its a difficult situation to be in – she thinks she understands how I feel because she has also lost a baby. But she has no idea. She has never had to consider a life without ever being a mother. And she thinks that if I keep trying everything will just work out. I know thats not true. Things might work out for me, but its certainly not the default option. I told her when I asked my gp for a referal to a fertility specialist, and I prefaced it by saying “don’t get excited, I can’t cope with that right now” and she clapped her hands to her face and exclaimed OH MY GOD!!!! and thats the last time I have told her anything about my fertility issue. I didnt tell her I had my meeting with a specialist, and I havent told her I’m waiting for IVF. Honestly, I’ll probably try and wait until Im six months pregnant before I ever bring up the topic with her again. Its just too hard. But what has really helped me is the talks I’ve had with a friend of mine who’s also childless and has been struggling with fertility for years. We talk about all of our crazy feelings, our frustration when it seems to easy for other people, our fears about our treatments not working etc. You need someone you can just talk to about how your feeling, whos not going to make you feel like theres something wrong with you because it hurts that other people can have children without experiencing all the pain you’ve been through. I know that you’re not wishing that pain on other people. It just hurts so badly having to go through it, and it feels completely unfair. Feel free to send me a message and just vent sometime. I really find it helps just to get all the crazy feelings out from time to time without having to worry about what people think. 

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