- 10 years ago
- Wedding: November 2015
I’m writing to you slightly puffy-eyed this morning. Last night me and BF broke up. I’m still in a bit of shock, and I have a HUGE and busy day in front of me, not a whole lot of time for wallowing.
He said he’s been thinking every day since our discussion last friday about our future. That sometimes it feels absolutely right to move forward and get engaged, and sometimes it does not. He thought “more time” (the last few months) would help him see whether he’s really ready for marriage. And I observed that it seems like he has even more questions now/is even more conflicted. And he said that maybe it seemed that way becuase he was more open about it recently. I said I want him to be honest, it’s perfectly natural not to be 100% certain and to have doubts about such a big decision. And this isn’t about getting engaged/married so much as it is about two people wanting to get married, both wanting to build a life together. For all I care we can go to the courthouse! And it doesn’t have to be right now, it can be after being engaged for awhile. He considers getting engaged basically as getting married. He says when you put the ring on her finger, that’s when you commit, everything else is just a ceremony.
And he said he loves me more than he’s ever loved anybody. He’s had the best times of his life together. But he isn’t ready to get married, and he has no idea if he *ever will be ready*. And he was crying and all that. I just kept taking deep breaths and although a few tears leaked out I was determined not to completely lose it, so I could still listen and ask questions. It seemed like the more calm I was, the more emotional he got. He said he’s afraid he could be making the biggest mistake of his life, but he loves me and he knows I deserve more. He doesn’t want to string me along any more. He knows how painful it’s been for me, to be waiting for him to figure it out. I asked him what he needs to feel “ready”, and what he wants from a relationship/our relationship. And the answer to both questions was:
“I don’t know!”
*Sigh* My thought is that if he’s been trying to “figure this out” for months and he still doesn’t know, he’s just not ready. More “great times” as he’s said, with us together, is not going to change that.
He also said it’s about him and he’s *stuff* about marriage. Not about me or our relationship. He also said some silly things, like that he didn’t always want to hang out. Which I said “of course! I don’t either”, I am a totally need-my-space-sometimes kind of gal.
So before I could take it all back, all of what I’ve said about how I could see a future with us, wanting to build a life together and it being important that he sees a future with me too….and just say “never mind I want to keep you as my BF let’s forget about the marriage thing”:
I said “goodbye”, gave him a hug, and literally showed him the door.
It absolutely DOES NOT feel real to me at all at this point. I know he was being fair, and I think it’s amazing that he came out and said it. Most guys don’t have the courage to say this, instead they keep pushing off the issue indefinitely.
I know the few months ago we talked about it and when it didn’t seem like we were on the same page he wanted to stay together anyway. And so we did, and he even made some comments that we were “more on the same page than you think” so that gave me some hope. But in the end I was right: sticking around for a few more months and having a good time was fun and all (besides the waiting agony) but it really didn’t help him figure out what he needs to figure out. So this is for the best.
My girlfriend who lives next store came over to check on me, she kept saying “are you OK”, I guess I was still totally in shock. Just went to bed. Cried some last night when I woke up in the middle of the night. Now I’m going to go running, go to class, do research for my interview next week, and maybe see some girlfriends tonight. It’s a real bummer, BF was going to take me to and from the airport for the interview (they’re flying me out of state for this next step). It’s not that I can’t pay for 1 day of overnight parking, it’s the emotional support aspect. I’ll see if a friend can do it so I don’t feel totally alone.
*Whew*….if you made it this far, THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
Any words of encouragement are appreciated. Did I/we do the right thing?