(Closed) OMG Bees….IT’S OVER

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 197
10223 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Awwww, get a doggie!  You’ll always have good companionship.  It sounds like you have thought this out, ie having a sensible plan for getting your neighbor to let your dog out while you are at work.

I can’t imagine surviving a break up without my dogs.

Gosh, I can remember the trauma of going through break ups, I think the ones that were almost the right guy are harder to cope with than the ones who were completely hopeless.  We tend to second guess ourselves more with the ones who were “almost” Mr. Right than the obvious jerks.

I’m older than most of you & I am here to tell ya, when I look back on my most painful break ups, I think:  wth was that all about?   I can’t believe I wasted so much time & so many tears on those guys.



Post # 199
272 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Has he tried contacting you anymore since the breakup?

The way I think about it is sure, he has texted a few times but really, texted!  Has he showed up at your door pleading for you to take him back?

Post # 203
168 posts
Blushing bee

@DreamingBee: Did you get the books yet? I hope so.  It seems that you’re doing well, and moving onwards and upwards.  (((HUGS))))

When you’re ready for a pup, may I suggest: http://www.petfinder.com

That’s where I found my baby dog, and I love her, love her, love her.

(And I got her after my bad breakup years ago!)


Post # 205
219 posts
Helper bee

What books are you reading? Fill me in! I need some power reads now that I am joining you on the singles train!

Post # 206
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I think you have been doing great. I think what you need to do re: his texts, is what you feel is best for you.

I know most people apply the no contact rule; however I don’t think that this rule applies in all situations… For me, no contact is when the guy has done something wrong, or when he steps over boundaries that were clearly stated.

I don’t know your ex, and I don’t know you. But to me, it seems like he was fair and honest with you by not letting you wait around – he respected your feelings. His texts were nice (did not seem manipulative). I’m not sure he deserves complete silence.

That said, I would probably have at least aknowledged his texts, without really being in contact.. But that’s just me.

Only you know what’s best for you. There is really no black or white when it comes to dealing with that stuff, just many shades of gray..

Post # 208
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011


wow that’s intense and obviously needed to happen. take every day as it cones, and if you are meant to be together it will happen and vice versa. just keep doing what you have been donig and focus on yourself. you need to heal before you move on totally and leave all thoughts of him behind, and if you do get back together, you need to heal from the temporary split. don’t dwell on what should have happened, its too late now and focus on your future. if he is meant to be a part of it, so be it, but concentrate on yourself first and foremost.

Post # 209
538 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Hi DreamingBee. I saw your post awhile ago but didn’t have a chance to post. I felt so sad when I read it! I know this must be such a hard time for you….but I do think things happen for a reason, good or bad.

In a way, if he doesn’t feel ready and doesn’t know at this point if he ever will be, I could see the positive in it being over – you guys both want different things, and it is better it happened now than him stringing you along for several more years, making you think it might happen. Now you are free to meet someone who does want the very same things as you.

However, I know it is sooo hard if you feel like you both love each other and only had to end it because the “timing was wrong”. I may have told you that my BF and I were at this crossroads last summer. I wanted to move in and end our LDR – with a ring on my finger. He wasn’t ready for either one of those options. I suggested a break (well, I told him I think we needed time to think about what we wanted…fully understanding he might come to the decision to end it permanently). We didn’t speak for almost a month! It was so hard. When he did come around, calling to say how much he missed me, he still couldn’t give me the things I wanted. I remember being so sad, because, as you said, we both lloved each other, and I said “its so stupid to break up just bc we don’t want this same thing right now!” I agreed to compromise and move in without a commitment, if he could agree that someday he wanted to give me one. We’ve had our bumps in the road with that choice..because deep down I was still so impatient…..but, in the end, I think we are going to a more positive place bc it forced a lot of analyzing our relationship and a communication…., and of course everyone is different, but sometimes you have to take those breaks so everyone can see what they want and if they arrive at the decision that maybe they want the same things, but not at the exact same time, they can come to a compromise….or they can decide to permanently move on!

I just read “A Little Bit Married” – not sure if you read that? I think you have read His Cold Feet. Those were both helpful in me really doing a relationship inventory and figuring out why I was so intent on a wedding, and helped me determine if the relationship was worth continuing even if I had to wait a little more than I hoped.

I think it is ridiculous people who say they do not have any doubts about marriage. It is a monumentous life decision, and like most things in life, it is not always black and white, and it is completely normal to have some fears and doubts. If a person didn’t, I would be scared they were too caught up in the “ideal” and ‘romance’ that they weren’t looking at things realistically.

Anyway I think things will work out for you, weather it be with your ex down the road him coming to his senses (which has happened to several of my friends who broke it off with a noncommital BF only to have him come back later) OR if NOT….it will open the door to you to an even more wonderful for you guy who you totally hit it off with and who wants the same things as you around the same time.

im sending good thoughts your way!!! 🙂

Post # 210
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I know it must have been hard, but I think you did the right thing talking to him. There were things that weren’t said before that needed to be said and it’s nearly impossible to get closure when there are still things in the air, for you and for him as well.

He has been led to believe certain things about marriage that don’t match your perception, and your perception is so much simpler that what he’s been told… Of course he’s got some things to think about.

Marriage is a decision. Love is a decision as well – you may not always like your spouse because of things he does, but you always love him because you choose to. It’s deciding one day after the other that you want to be with that person and make a happy life with him. You can’t anticipate every event that’s going to happen in the future and never make a decision because maybe you’ll feel differently tomorrow. That’s what a commitment is about – deciding that you will make it work through fun and bad.

I think it’s normal that he feels anxious about marriage if he’s been told he has to be certain without the trace of a doubt. I hope your conversation opened his eyes about the unrealistic-ness of it all.

I think you had to be strong to apply the no-contact rule, but even stronger to contact him and talk about the real stuff.

Post # 211
924 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I think you are doing so well Dreamingbee! There is nothing wrong with having contact with him – particularly if you do want to continue as friends or stay in each others lives.

With my ex I saw him once after we broke up but that was it… I wasn’t interested in anything further with him (when we broke up I was just DONE) and he was interested in getting back together. It was too hard to maintain any kind of friendship.

It sounds like he is really conflicted about his ideas of relationships (and don’t you just wish people would stay out of things with their ‘when you know you know’ crap!). I would just be careful not to get back into the habit of discussing everyday things with him and save your discussions for talking about meaningful things. it can be very easy to fall back into old habits.

Keep concentrating on yourself and showing him (and yourself) that you know you are the only one who is in charge of your happiness.

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