@babybritt143: It’s Called a Breakup Becuase It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt, that should be #1 on your list.
You are right, many shades of grey. Me acknowledging his text turned into texting, which turned into talking on the phone.
I had a weak moment. But on the bright side I DID NOT go over there. Which would have been so easy it’s only 3 blocks. I just had to pat myself on the back for SOMETHING becuase I’m feeling miserable right now.
But anyway, it was really hard. I wanted to say I can’t just do the “small talk” and tell him about work and moving and the dog, etc. So I tried to. And we kind of re-hashed everything and then some. He’s very confused becuase everyone’s telling him when you’re ready to get married you have to know “beyond a shadow of a doubt”. Which is fucking impossible, I wish they would keep their mouths shut! They’re totally lying, every guy I’ve talked to admits that you freak out a little at some point. He talked about how he really pressured to get married, for a long time. Even though I didn’t want him to feel that way. And also he said he felt like he couldn’t always make me happy, that it seemed like I was really stressed most of the time (I was, at the end especially). He felt like he was responsible for making me happy, and if he felt drained he would still try to do it. Boo! I can always take care of myself, I never wanted him to feel depleted. And that he is really inexperienced figuring things out about relationships, he does not have a lot of relationship experience. So it’s been very confusing for him. I guess you could say he’s very analytical/cerebral but very poor “emotional intelligence”/self-awareness.
The break-up was so abrupt, I think we needed some closure. I think it was really hard for him to be totally open about his concerns during our relationship. So in a way it was sort of good to hear what he had to say, and get to say more of what I had to say.
But in a way it screwed up my He-Tox and made my cry. Sort of re-opened the wound. And made me realize that this conversation probably SHOULD have been going on in a more candid and robust way DURING the relationship. But maybe it was just the taboos around the topic, etc, that made it so difficult for him to open up.
I just said you can’t ever been 100% sure about the future, marriage is such a loaded topic. For me, I was just sure how I felt about him. I thought he could be “my person”. He had this idea that being happy in our relationship NOW was a separate thing from what would make him happy FOREVER when he was married. Which is ridiculous, isn’t it? Generally the same things that make you happy now will make you happpy in the future. For example, next week, dogs will still make me happy.
And I said I think what makes a relationship work is a decision and a commitment. You might “feel” good today, and bad tomorrow, but we’re all responsible for what we focus on. Love is a feeling but it is also a decision.
And he asked me questions to understand WHY I had felt so strongly about wanting to move forward. He’d just gotten so stuck on marriagemarriagemarriage am I ready for marriage? Sort of analysis paralysis. Whereas I was thinking “is this the person that I can see myself with, that I am happy with?”. And I reiterated that I really couldn’t stand not living together anymore (when I knew we both wanted that), at the same time I didn’t feel comfortable moving in without a commitment.
I think he has these ideas of a relationship that aren’t totally realistic. Like, a successful career woman who takes on lots of challenges in her life and NEVER feels stressed. Well, maybe someday he can find a woman who is always happy. Or the unrealistic idea that we’re responsible for how someone else feels. Of course sometimes you can help, but I definitely think we’re all responsible for taking care of ourselves.
He said the conversation gave him something to think about. “think about what?” “forget I said that” :-(It is totally miserable knowing that we both still love each other and miss each other, and we’re both having 2nd thoughts about whether this was the right thing.