(Closed) OMG Bees….IT’S OVER

posted 10 years ago in Waiting
Post # 62
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I’m so sorry Dreamingbee.  You are handling this so beautifully and so maturely, I have no doubt you will bounce back from this.  Perspective is everything, and you seem to have a lot of it.  I encourage you to look through your past journal and really process the pain right now.  Roll around in it and really feel it, only then can you move past it.  Again, I am so so impressed by how you’re handling this, you are truly an inspiration.

((Hugs)). 

Post # 64
Member
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

I can’t think of more to say that hasn’t already been said, but I just wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts.  I am wishing you well.  Also-Best for your interview on Tuesday! 

Post # 65
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Hugs hugs to you and yes you chose right!  You chose YOU! 

At least he was honest and told you the truth.  I had to do this with two guys I dated after my divorce (I divorced dec of 2003).  And one was my old college bf, a guy whom I thought had everything together.

Realize that life has a path for you and if you have faith, then it’s something you’re not alone walking.  Plus we’re here too!

I remember when I dumped a guy a few years ago (about five) who I dated for a good while who was a med professional too.  He was smart, attractive, well-educated, and seemed to have it all together.  But he was afraid of the “m” thing.  Fast forward, I meet DH, we date and during the over 2 years we dated, this guy would call me from time to time (we parted with dignity and as friends) ask if I had dumped my bf/Fi and I’d say nope and that I was happy. 

The week before our marriage, this ex called me (I had finally told him we couldn’t talk as friends if he had something other than friends on his mind as boundaries are important to me) and said he had basically “copped out” when he had told me he wasn’t ready for marriage in his late 30’s.  That he made the biggest mistake of his life, and that he wished he could have done “us” over again. 

Oh well.  that was his choice.  His inability to stand up.  What he did say was he was really still wanting to date around, and felt a bit invinceable.  He said he was wrong, in that dating around after I dumped him didn’t fix anything, and that he just “got it” too late.

Maybe your ex bf will change sooner rather than later, realize you are the one, and that he is behaving imho, immaturely, or he won’t.  But you did things for yourself, ending things on your terms, and have a wonderful future ahead of you without or with this guy.

I have learned after having lived 40 somewhat years, that love finds you when your heart is ready and when the time is right.  Sometimes the heart is there, but the time is wrong.  You will have that wonderful lifetime love because you are open to it!  That’s the great part and the big part.  I know it hurts you, and you’re sad, but just vent here and realize that choosing you over somebody who could string you along for many years is the right choice again and again.

Hugs~      

Post # 67
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Ah…so sorry he did that but he’s testing boundaries with you the day after.  The guy needs to see you gone to know what it is like without you.

I’d respond simply with an “I’ve got that already covered but thanks” and not respond if he texts again.

He is still wanting what he had.  He hasn’t had the breakup register with him and why.  Imho, now is a great time for him to experience some personal growth and maybe see that his future is calling..and he can either embrace it or ignore it and end up like my old bf did and experience regret.

Fwiw, if it were me, I’d not talk to the man unless he became a man with a plan.  I know you didn’t break up because you were forcing an ultimatum and only really wanted to know, but if you cave in to him without any real dynamic changing b/w the two of you, it might just continue as it was, for more time without any real committment.

Just continue ahead without him and hold your head high!  If he has a huge epiphany, then he can discuss it with you and then maybe go to counseling so you can tell if it’s just because you are gone, or because he has had a real, 100 percent change of heart and mind.  

Post # 68
Member
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

You are amazing. In such an emotional time, you have so much perspective and clarity on the situation and are not blind to what’s going on. Kudos to you!

I would answer his text with a nice “Thanks, I appreciate your offer but I made other plans. Take care”.

And leave it at that for now… He wasn’t a jerk so there’s no need in ignoring his attempts to contact you *yet*. Although it doesn’t mean to keep chatting or anything, but you can answer with very short/to the point answers.

Good call on not taking your cell to the party tonight though. It would be a distraction you don’t need!

Post # 69
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

DON’T RESPOND! WHATEVER YOU DO… DON’T RESPOND! I’m not saying to never talk to him again… but just like you’ve said, this is about him not knowing what he wants. It isn’t fair for him to pull this on you after stringing you along for months, even if he did nut up long enough to tell you. Right now should be YOU time… and he needs to be taking a few days to think about what he wants. Right now I guarantee he misses you, and I know that’s comforting, but this breakup that he has caused needs to be severe enough for him to know EXACTLY what he wants. It’s not fair for him to come and go from your life as he pleases. If you can hold out for a week or so, I think you’ll get more definitive answers from him if he’s trying to save your relationship.

I’m 100% with

View original reply
@bellenga: He is testing the boundaries.

Be strong. We’re here for you. Leave your phone at home.

Post # 70
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

As Captain Lucard would say on the old Star Trek as the ship was to go on a new voyage:  “make it so”.

Onward and upward!  He needs to feel the boundaries now.  Again, he needs time for his personal growth!  

Post # 72
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Change IS painful any way around it and in most instances imho.

He is feeling the pain of change.  He wants to ignore that you ended it and probably feels like a fool having told the truth and that’s what I think he is doing.  He wants to go back to the old situation as it were.

You just admitted you can’t continue as it were.  That being said, I’d gracefully proceed ahead without him and count on him being gone.  That way if he doesn’t become the man with the plan, it doesn’t hurt anymore either way.  Just know you did the right thing, he isn’t ready for marriage for whatever lame reason it is, and be proud you are a woman who has a plan for her future!

He sees you cutting off contact and he wants any way to get in contact.  He thinks you will cave on your decision.  Show him otherwise!  And realize that this guy thinks it is all about him…HIS choice HIS wants, etc.  Nope.  It is all about you.  Time you lived for yourself! He doesn’t get a say in this as of last night.

There is no more “our” team to root for.  There is no more “our”.  Instead he needs to learn it “was our” team.  And that you “were his” girlfriend he loved.  Take focus off of him and onto you!

You decide your future.  Today and always.  Hugs to you for being so clear and so strong.  I remember freaking out after I ended with that guy.  What did he do with his life after that might you ask?  Well he got a serious gf immediately and she worked at a hospital he rounded at.  She got pregnant, he didn’t marry her, and they have had nasty custody fights in court.  She went for $, and when he found out I never did that with my ex, and that I was very different, from a mutual friend who after a few years chimed in on this, he felt even lower. 

Some folks get it, others don’t.  Others continue to make same mistakes in life and never learn.  I decided I wouldn’t accompany my ex husband or this ex boyfriend any longer in my life.  My choice became the right one.

My path could have been different had either of these guys chosen differently, but in the end I was on the RIGHT path being alone by choice as I met THE guy back in 2007 and married him this summer.  My pains of the divorce and breakup are all in my past, and the happiness we have now totally overshadows any of that mess.

you’re doing great.  Hugs and wishes for peace right now.  Don’t overthink anything and don’t be swayed by his texts or calls.  In fact, put him on the ignore list. 

Post # 74
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

I’ve been reading your posts… you sound so strong and smart! Good for you.

I vote for DON’T RESPOND. Seriously, don’t.

Two years ago, I could have written your post exactly, and at your same age. I know what you’re going through, the shock, the unfairness, the grief…. and I know it’s horrible. It’s even worse that he seems like such a great guy except for the fear thing.

Trust me. You send a much stronger message with no words at all than with anything you could possibly say in a text or phone call. Because seriously, if he can do this to you, he’s not worth the effort.

When you don’t respond, he’ll GET your message, he’ll miss you more, he’ll grieve harder, and eventually he WILL regret this, as all fearful guys do. But when he finally does, you’ll be moved on and happy!

Take it from a girl who’s been through this more than once and is now happily married. 🙂 Feel free to PM me if you need anything.

Post # 75
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

then don’t.

Continue with the he-tox!  lol!

Each day gets harder but then again easier too without him.

Post # 76
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

Bellenga is awesome. 🙂

Also, you grieve easier and faster when there is no contact… especially if you use the time to focus on yourself and your own life, and make it clear what you want and what you need to do to prepare for the great relationship that’s surely coming your way. 🙂

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