(Closed) OMG!!! FI Wants to POSTPHONE Wedding… Am I Being Selfish?!?! NEED ADVICE

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh man…this is a tricky one. On the one hand, if you guys aren’t in a financial situation where he feels comfortable (for whatever reason), then I do think that is a good reason to wait, and you absolutely need to respect his feelings because money can cause SO MUCH resentment….but on the other, it’s really unfair to cause your guests to lose money now that it is so close, and to be honest, if I were a guest and lost that money, you bet your butt I wouldn’t be about to go back later.

I think you are both equally wrong in this situation:not to be harsh, but frankly you shouldn’t have gone ahead with planning with an uncertain financial future, and I don’t blame him for freaking out. However, he REALLY waited until the last minute, and it’s kinda too late to go back now.

You two need to sit down and have a calm and rational discussion about this, If you are going to cancel for this, which frankly was a circumstance you could have forseen coming (you said that you chose to go on planning despite the situation), I think you need to do something to help your guests offset the money they’re losing. When you team that up with penalties you may have to pay, etc…it might actually cost MORE to cancel.

Post # 4
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

1. This seems like a very abrupt decision based on factors that he’s known about for quite a while. Are you certain that he’s being 100% honest with you about his reasons for wanting to postpone?

2. A marriage is a partnership. If one spouse is sick, injured, laid off, etc. the other picks up the slack until things return to normal. This whole “it’s a man’s job to provide for his household” notion is outdated. Yes, such arrangements work best for some couples, and that’s fine. But obviously it doesn’t work for the two of you at this particular point in time. There’s nothing responsible or logical about his argument.

I’m sorry, hun, but I think he either has cold feet or is sacrificing your happiness and your parents’ and guests’ money for the sake of his foolish pride.

Post # 5
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Before you do anything, I’d sit down with a couples’ counselor or a clergy member (if applicable). I think you need a neutral 3rd party to help you work this out. If after that he still wants to postpone, then I probably would. Something is telling him that it’s not right, so it would be foolish to go ahead with it before you find out exactly why he feels that way (he might not even know yet). Postponing a wedding is better than realizing you made a mistake.

Post # 7
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

He is totally fine with losing all the money that you already put down on deposits?  Sorry, hun, I don’t think this is a money issue.  I agree with PP that he has cold feet.

Post # 8
Member
8044 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

Damn, I feel bad for you. What a crappy situation. My suggestion would be trying to convince him that postponing the wedding will just lead to more stress… for you and your guests. And lost money. I don’t think postponing it will solve anything… like you said, you’re perfectly capable of having the responsibility of sole breadwinner until he can contribute. Surely he realizes this.

Good luck

Post # 9
Member
471 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MidwestBride2012:  I agree with this.

Unfortuantly, he didn’t tell you these feelings prior to this and maybe he wants to do this now so you don’t lose even more money.

If you don’t do counseling and he is truely irriated by the fact that you are the breadwinner of the family this could be a lot of trouble for your marriage.

Best of Luck to you!

Post # 10
Member
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly I don’t think you are being selfish at all.  He is the selfish one for just telling you this information now! Obviously you cannot force him to get married but quite frankly your parents (and guests) are going to lose out on a lot of money at this point I am sure and I don’t think that’s fair if his only reasoning is he won’t be able to support you after the wedding (especially since you can support both of you).  His excuse sounds like just that – an excuse.  I would be weary of his reasoning and explore the issue further – it seems like there’s more to it than he’s letting on.  I know my FI would NEVER use unemployment as a reason to not get married when everything is already paid for 3 months beforehand! (It’s not like he is paying for the wedding and now cannot afford it!).  I think you guys need to sit down and have an honest discussion so you can get to the bottom of why he really doesn’t want to get married. Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
5080 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

that’s my wedding date too. .  .we have money going out all over the place and now we’re looking for a house as well.

FI keeps saying he wishes it would get here faster.  Never once has he said he wants to call it off until we have more money.

I’m sorry, but it does sound like cold feet to me.  Especially since these circumstances didn’t just pop up yesterday.

Post # 12
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MrsWBS:  I agree totally!

Post # 14
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

You  need to go to a counselor, it sounds like he is panicking at the thought of taking up the husband role when he isn’t ready to step up to the plate and contribute financially right now—it sounds like he’s feeling a lot of insecurity.

If I were you I would tell him the wedding date is staying where it is or the relationship is over. I know it’s harsh, but he’s not paying for the wedding, your parents are. And he is not taking into consideration how badly this would impact your relationship with them at all, let alone how much $ they would be out. Or does he expect you to pay them back for that? 

Post # 15
Member
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well, I guess it’s good news that this isn’t about cold feet or second guessing the relationship. But he doesn’t sound like much of a Southern gentleman to me for considering putting you or your guests and parents in this position. If I were your parents and he postponed this late in the game, I absolutely would not put another cent toward the next wedding, and seeing him jerk you around like that would irreparably damage our relationship.  He needs to get out of his own head and seriously consider all the consequences of postponing.

Post # 16
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Right or wrong, he was raised in the South (not that other parts of country don’t have same values) where men run their household and take responsibllity for the family. That is the man’s job and that’s that. The partnership deal is my point exactly, but he doesn’t see it that way.



This is exactly why you two need to see a counselor! He letting this thought blind him to the reality of losing a huge amount of money! He should have told you much sooner when you could have done something about it. He has to realize that he can’t put everyone else through so much because his pride is hurt. 

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