(Closed) OMG help – I need advice

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
2006 posts
Buzzing bee

Your mom is wrong. She is hosting the wedding, not the rehearsal dinner so she does not have control over the guest list. Tell her you have agreed on inviting the wedding party and immediate family only and to please not invite anybody else.

If she insists on having something for the Out of Town guests she can maybe hold a separate lunch earlier in the day or a brunch the day after the wedding.

Post # 4
1566 posts
Bumble bee

I think you should first figure out what is the max number of people that your Future In-Laws can invite, or their total budget. It would be best for your Fiance to talk to them directly since they might be uncomfortable telling you or your mom to stop inviting more guests, as you mentioned.

If it looks like your mom is going to add more guests to the dinner than they can afford, I think you should find a time to talk to her about it in the least explosive way possible. She’ll probably get mad if you say something like “you can’t invite any more guests to the Rehearsal Dinner.” Instead, you could frame it in a more nonthreatening way. Explain the limitations, “FI’s parents have a budget of $$$ for the dinner, so they’re not sure if they can accommodate all the guests you’d like to invite. What do you think we can do?”

As one solution, can you and Fiance help pay for the extra guests at the RD? It might be a nice way to help out your Future In-Laws and keep your mom happy. Or maybe can you do a simpler dinner so the per-person cost is less?

Post # 5
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Why does your Mom get to decide the guest list for the rehearsal dinner?  That should between you and your fiance and your fiance’s parents, who are hosting.  I’d talk to your Mom, set some limits and let her know that the guest list has been finalized and that there will be no new additions.  good luck!

Post # 6
18644 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I agree with babyboo.  It is the responsibility of your inlaws to determine the guest list for the rehearsal dinner.  You need to tell your mom to stop inviting people because she is NOT PAYING and it isn’t right for her to force this on top of your inlaws.  If they can’t afford to pay for every out of town guest, maybe your mom should hold her own event that she pays for.

Post # 7
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I think you need to clarify to your mother that no one who is not involved with the wedding is to be invited.  It doesn’t matter if they are out of town or not, this rehearsal dinner is only for people involved with the wedding.  Surely you know who is involved or not, so you write the list.  Send it to your mom and say “these are the people invited to the rehearsal, don’t invite anyone else.”  Since she is not hosting the party, she doesn’t get a say.  There’s no reason why your mother should be communicating with your Future Mother-In-Law about this at all.

If she causes a fuss, tell her that this is the way you want it.  Don’t get into money or anything like that because that may just stir up bad feelings.  Just keep repeating that you want it to be small and relaxed, and you want to limit the guest list.  If she keeps saying “what about the out of town guests” tell her that most rehearsals don’t include all the out of town guests, but that if she really wants to do something special for them, she’s welcome to host a day-after brunch or something.

Good luck, but I think if you stand firm with her, then there’s really nothing she can do.  If it gets really bad, just tell her that there will not be food for these people, and when they show up and ask why, you will put the blame squarely on her, causing her a lot of embarrassment (but don’t make that threat unless things get really bad).

Post # 8
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Your mom is wrong, but perhaps she feels since your parents have to foot the hugest bill and his parents are only hosting an informall bbq, that it’s a litttle unfair. (I would feel like that!). Also I think FI’s sister should stay out of it and not add to the drama. In any case a bbq is not a sitdown dinner. It’s easy to feed a lot of people without breaking the bank :). I do think however that your mom has to be respectful and give them a final list with the reasoning behind it.

Post # 9
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

That’s hard – I am sorry you have to deal with that on your wedding weekend!  My Mom is also very controlling and would blow up on me about something like that – so I understand.  Neither of our parents are paying, so I just tell them that they have no say and if they get mad so be it. 

In your case, I think you might have to talk to her and deal with her blowing up at you since her actions are affecting your future inlaws.  Can your Dad help you with talking to her?  You may also want to talk to your fiance’s sister and explain that you are trying to work this out, and asking people not to eat would be inappropriate and is creating more stress for you.  Basically, your Mom is wrong, and both your Mom and your Future Sister-In-Law are acting inappropriately.  You have every right to be upset with them!

Post # 10
1765 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree with babyboo and MissAsB and Greenleafmountain.  In fact, I think Greenleafmountain has the best idea of how to handle it!  If your mom won’t stop at that you can let tell her that oh btw,  the Future In-Laws will be giving her an additional guest list from their side for the weddingjust kidding  hee hee.  If your dad can help, that would be great!  🙂

Post # 11
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Your mom is dead wrong, for many reasons.

First off, she is NOT hosting the rehearsal dinner, so she has NO CONTROL over the guest list. Second thing is, she is paying for the wedding but it is YOUR wedding, not hers. I don’t get people who claim to be giving a “gift” but then you discover it has strings attached. It is not her role to have a say in the wedding guest list EITHER.

I really feel for you.

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