(Closed) On not being close to your mom on mothers day

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

im not close to my mother either and she lives about 10mins drive from me – i didnt even see her on mothers day.  i sent her flowers during the week and i phoned her on sunday and that was it

i decided there is nothing about my mother that i would find in a stranger reason to have a friendship with – basically she is now reaping from the choices she made while we were growing up. yes she never beat us but you dont have to hit someone to hurt them and even when i do phone, her calls are 100% always about herself with no regard to others – i find it exhausting so i choose to remove myself from that

hugs to you – as adults we can be free to make decisions about family and that doesnt make us bad people

Post # 4
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@MsBrooklynA: I don’t really have any advice per se, but just felt compelled to respond to say you’re not alone in your sentiment.

My mother got married & had my sister when she was 15, I followed when she was 17. Her marriage to my father didn’t last very long. She had a relationship with an “interim” man for about 8-9 years, but once my older sister and I reached our late teen years, she went AWOL and spent a lot of time at bars. My sister moved in with her boyfriend, and got out as soon as she could. Mostly, it was me at home by myself. My mother eventually started dating our neighbor, to whom she is now married. She has since had two boys: one is 9, and the other just turned 5.

In the beginning, I made the effort to keep a “Family” feeling going, but I’ve learned my mother has little use for my older sister and me now that she has her new, perfect family. She doesn’t call on my birthday, didn’t make time for me to come over on Christmas because she was too busy with her husband’s family, no Thanksgiving invites whatsoever either.

When I got engaged, I went dress shopping, and it was like a stab in my side when the attendant asked why my mother wasn’t with me. I did ask my mother to go, and she never made the time. I told her I would PICK HER UP, she had to do NOTHING but tell me when was a convenient date. She never did, and I’ve since found my dress. Needless to say, I don’t have the warm fuzzies on this mother’s day, and today I didn’t call her either. I almost started a “Bah, Humbug!” thread also, but I felt it would be rude to the new moms in the babies threads. But I’m glad you posted one. 🙂

Anyway, I’m still trying to navigate how to conduct myself with my mother as well. I admit, I see a therapist, and she has told me time and again: Love means accepting someone 100% the way they are. Having expectations of people that they are unwilling or unable to meet equals disrespecting that person. I can choose to accept that my mother is disinterested, or I can choose to be upset about it forever, but I can not change it. I hate that logic, but it makes sense. I know it’s slightly different in your case, but I just wanted to chime in and tell you you’re not alone.

Post # 5
Member
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m not close to my mother at all… I didn’t call her or give her anything today since she forgot to say happy birthday to me 2 years in a row. I found it hard to live with my mom growing up as well because she’s bi polar and I’m borderline… bad combo! I guess my father left before I was born so I’ve never met him… I was forced to raise my 3 siblings until I turned 18 got pregnant myself and moved an hour away… I don’t think your a horrible person for not being close to your mom… I think everyones situation is different, and your not alone.

Post # 6
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You’re not a horrible person. Just because you have a biological link to someone doesn’t mean you will necessarily have a strong bond with them. That doesn’t mean you don’t mourn the idea of what your relationship was “supposed” to represent. It’s the same way with me and my father. I’m close to my mom, but my father and I are acquaintances. He was all about me until I turned 4 and my brothers were born. After that, he lost interest. My mom showed up to every parent teacher conference and voice recital, my father did not. Of course it hurts, but it’s just a fact in my life.

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Post # 8
Member
3402 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I don’t think you should feel bad at all. My situation with my mother is completely different, as she is a terrible drug addict who has never really been around, but I can relate to your feelings about expecting to feel some innate “bond”, but just not being ABLE to.

There really is no “right” when it comes to family, because we all make our own dynamics. Just remember that she is your mother, & it is her job to keep the bonds tight if she so desires. Apparently she hasn’t tried very hard (like my mom) so I wouldn’t press myself to feel as though I should be extremely close to her.

Don’t worry about your lack of closeness, having the same blood doesnt mean everything, infact I’ve found out it doesn’t mean much at all…

Post # 10
Member
724 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

You’re definitely not a horrible daughter. I’m not that close to my mom either. We fought a lot when I was younger because I guess we were just too similar or something. She just didn’t handle mothering the way I would have liked. I never felt like she wanted to listen to me, and she always criticized me, which means I was very snippy and short with her. And it’s just progressed. She HATES it when I put any blame on her, I honestly think that she thinks it’s all my fault, that I’m not grateful or whatever. I live 3000 miles away and so it’s better now that we just talk occasionally on the phone. But now she hates that I live 3000 miles away! We get along better now that I’m away, but she hates it. So I can’t win.

I still send her flowers and call her, and she appreciates it. I do my best now to keep things on an even keel but we do not have a close relationship. We just have a… good relationship.

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