On the fence about having kids

posted 2 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
3560 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

kindnessisfree :  I’m CFBC and have never regretted that. We have lots of Littles in our lives between siblings and good friends, and while they’re great in small doses, seeing the day in day out of their lives makes me absolutely certain we made the right decision. We travel a lot, have fur babies, and really enjoy our lives. There’s plenty in life to bring you fulfillment besides children (who many women don’t find fulfilling, btw)

Post # 4
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I’m a fence-sitter, in that if my husband woke up tomorrow and decided he didn’t want kids that would be okay.

While we are currently planning on TTC soon, I don’t believe you need to have kids to have a fullfilling life. I think we could be very happy focusing on our careers, our furbaby, traveling, volunteering for causes we care about. And we want to do all of those things with kids as well but kids aren’t all that can make your life fullfilling. They can be a piece of it if it’s something you want it but you don’t need to have kids to have a fulfilling life.

And there are many parents who do not find parenting fulfilling. I worry about regretting having kids. It seems like a bigger risk for regret than not having kids. Like, I know what my life is now, I’m happy now. But I don’t know what having kids will be like and while I’m looking forward to it there is a small part of me that wonders “What if I regret this? There’s no going back.”

Post # 5
Member
210 posts
Helper bee

I’m also 28 and don’t plan on having children. I’m an only child and have no close relatives who would have children. I have extremely loving parents and had a wonderful childhood but that hasn’t made me want the same. I do get the occasional person trying to guilt me into having kids by saying things like, “You can’t do that to your parents! You’re the only one who can give them a grandchild!” But at the end of the day they would be my children and I don’t think I should have that burden for the sake of my parents having an occasional visit from a grandchild. I don’t think it would be fair to me or the child.

Luckily my SO is in agreement (I always refused to start a relationship with anyone who saw kids in their future) and both feel we will be happy with the freedom that a child free life brings and can make each other sufficiently fulfilled and loved. It’s not the life for everyone of course and I think it’s for each person to figure out for themselves. 

Post # 6
Member
847 posts
Busy bee

I think one thing to remember with kids is that everything is a phase. With every phase comes pros and cons, and they grow out of phases within mere months! Kids grow sooo fast, so even though you may not look forward to a certain age, they’re not going to stay there forever. And I know it’s cliche to say, but it’s completely different when it’s your kids…YOU get to make the rules. If they do something you don’t like, you can do something about it.

I’m not particularly fond of toddlers/kids myself, but a mere 3-5  years of a child’s developmental phase isn’t going to deter me from the countless other years and beautiful moments I get to spend with them. And it’s not like those “less favorable” phases have nothing enjoyable about them…when you focus on the pros, you’ll sail through the hardships a lot easier. 

As for the life you’ll lose….it won’t be lost forever. They can have a babysitter, and eventually they can fend for themselves and you could take weeks off for travel if you please. Contrary to what some people portray parenthood to be, you don’t actually have to spend every waking minute with your child. I’m really looking forward to when my baby starts solids so that I can leave her with grandma for a day so Darling Husband and I can go out on occasional day trips or long weekends again. 

I knew I wanted kids someday, but I wasn’t 100% gun-ho for it when I got pregnant. It wasn’t deliberately planned out so I felt somewhat thrown into parenthood…I certainly had my doubts the first couple weeks, but now I wouldn’t change anything. Especially now that my daughter is starting to coo and smile at me, it’s made up for all the sleep deprivation and time constraints. I look forward to waking up every morning to see her smiles, and the anticipation to see what she’ll do next. I can’t wait to watch her grow up, even through the toddler stage. This kind of love is pretty unexplainable. 

Now, I’m not saying you should absolutely have kids…but, one thing I’ve learned in life is that it’s a shame to miss out on a great thing due to making a decision in fear…especially if it’s fear of a temporary thing (such as a childhood phase). Although, I also think it’d be awful if you found that you hate parenthood after having a baby. You certainly don’t want to regret the decision, so it’s definitely a good idea to establish a motivation for parenthood that you believe could carry you through the hardships. If you don’t think you can find that motivation, then it may be best not to…just my opinion.

Post # 7
Member
751 posts
Busy bee

I struggle with the same thing. I think it weighs on me more when I see the ‘state of the world’ while every generation probably feels that way it’s especially tough when I know the kid would be my responsibility. I don’t want to accidentally raise an asshoke even when I’m trying my best but is that lick of the draw or ??? I’d like to think of myself as mostly well adjusted and make OK money.

My brother is 27 and still lives at home due to factors out of his control. I feel selfish for saying it but I don’t want that. Never mind the costs, time, and energy you don’t have. My parents dig my other sibling out of trouble constantly (I know that’s their choice but) I don’t know that I’d be able to leave my kid/teen/adult child to rot in jail and not post bail or help them get through expensive college or fully support them when they lose a job or leave their spouse. So I see their side of wanting to be there for your child 100% no matter what age. 

It’s such a personal choice. I hope some of everyone’s advice resonates with you to help you decide what’s right for you! Know you’re not alone in the struggle! 

Post # 8
Member
3446 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Darling Husband and I are planning to TTC in several months, but I’m not baby crazy and if he woke up tomorrow and didn’t want kids, I’d be totally fine with that. To me, kids wouldn’t add or subtract from my life, they’d just be an alternate branch. There is so much to see and experience in this world, I just can’t imagine feeling unfulfilled because I didn’t have kids. The definition of family is more than who you share blood ties with, so if you have people you love in your life, even if they aren’t related, you have a family, and you aren’t missing out on that.

Also, not to be a downer, but I know plenty of people who hate their parents and have no relationship with their family. Having kids isn’t lifelong built in company or companionship. 

Post # 10
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’m 30 and we just decided that we are officially CFBC. The main reason is that we want to retire in our early 50’s and if we had a kid that probably wouldn’t be possible. I’ve never liked kids and have no patience. My husband is the most patient person ever. He would be a great dad but his work schedule would require that I do most of the parenting. We have the means for me to be a Stay-At-Home Mom but I value the intellectual challenge that my job provides and would not want to stay home and am not interested in any type of extended maternity leave. I imagine that I’d spend about 2 hours per work day with a child if I worked and they were in daycare. That is just a staggeringly small amount of time. 

I don’t think we’ll ever get bored with traveling or our hobbies. I’m very into fitness and running races and wouldn’t have time for that with a family. We can’t currently but I plan on fostering dogs for an animal rescue in the future. I know I don’t need a kid to feel fulfilled. I honestly think that would prevent me from feeling fulfilled in life. 

Post # 11
Member
4858 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Cfbc. I don’t have the desire. At all. So to me, unless child bearing and rearing is something you deeply want , why do it? Unless I really really wanted to dedicate the rest of my life to the care and nurturing of a sentient human being , no, I’m not on board. All the harsh realities of it would have to be eclipsed by the desire. 

Post # 12
Member
7422 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hey bee just wanted to let you know that you’re not alone! I am on the fence as well and the only reasons I have for wanting a baby are not good reasons. Reason number one: Christmas would be so much fun with a kid!! So yeah, obviously not going to have a kid for reasons like that.

I’m 28 and Darling Husband is 29. We’ve decided we’ll revisit the conversation when I turn 30 but at the moment I know we’re both leaning towards no kids.

Post # 13
Member
2357 posts
Buzzing bee

kindnessisfree :   Life fulfils me because I do things that I love and want to do. I have the freedom to do those things and if I had children I would not be able to have such a luxury and therefore would be perfectly miserable. 

Other people don’t bring you happiness and fulfilment. You find that on your own. 

Post # 14
Member
48 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2014

think maybe you are not ready yet. You are only 28 and have another 10 years at least to think about it. My point is you do not need to make a decision either way just yet. Enjoy your life and see what happens and how you feel in the future.

 

Having kids is hard (I have 2, first one was born when I was 30). I have friends who didn’t have kids until they were 40, I have friends who had their first at 23, people are ready at different times.

 

It is very hard but it’s weird to think afterwards about regretting it because they are born and they change everything. No one can explain what it is like to love your own child. I don’t like kids. I never did like kids and in my 20’s the thought of children horrified me. However my own are different :p. When those little arms reach up for me and a little face that is a mixture of me and my husband stares at me in the eye and they tell me they love me in their sweet innocent voices it makes everything else in life fade away into insignificance.

 

My sister won’t have kids so I understand how it’s not in some people’s life path to have kids but to be on the fence when you are 28. Give it time, you will know if/when you feel brave enough to take the leap of faith and if you think it is something you want to do don’t worry about regret. I don’t know anyone who regrets their kids. Myself and my friends moan about how hard it is, we make jokes and bond over how hard it is but not one of us regrets it, we love our kids. 

 

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