- 3 years ago
- Wedding: December 2016
Only you can decide what you consider to be cheating. Personally I don’t really mind all that much if Darling Husband goes to a strip club, but a lapdance is an absolute hard line no – I would consider that cheating. Basically I subscribe to the “you can look but you better not touch” school of thought. In your shoes, I would be more than furious about the lies more than anything else (because not telling you until he was basically forced to is a lie by omission, in my opinion), and much as I hate to say it, I think he’s only telling you half of what happened. Also, even if she did stand him up, he INTENDED to have sex with her – which is just about as bad as actually having sex with her. I’d be gone, taking the kids with me I think.
Yes and yes.
I’m so sorry, OP. That is horrible. I think this would be a deal breaker. Even if he claims he didn’t have sex, he had every intention of doing so, which is just as disgusting. This was not a one time lapse in judgement as there were plenty of times to come to his senses. Paying her, buying condoms, AND going to the meet up location. And sorry to be blunt but you know he would’ve had sex with her had she gone to the location. And all while you had JUST GIVEN BIRTH to his child?! That’s the lowest of the low and I don’t see how I would be able to come back from that. So sorry you’re going through this.
Cheating doesn’t start with your body, it starts with your mind. He had every intention of having sex with her. He touched her, the same way he touches you. And if he came home and had sex with you, he was thinking about her. None of that is okay.
I’m very against strip clubs. No way do I want my man getting turned on by another woman and just using my body as an outlet while he’s thinking about her. I will not be used and disrespected in such a way. men are going to look and they will have thoughts but watching porn and going to strip clubs encourages them to go father than looking.
Thank you ladies for your replies. I agree, Im also wondering if theres more that happened than he admitted. How do I react now though? This happened 3 or so months ago and I found the condoms almost 2 months ago. Is it too late for me to react more than I did? (Which was going back to couples therapy, being overall bitter and accusatory off and on this whole time, hinting that Im owed a “free pass” to strike up a little flirtation of my own, etc) Is my reaction “too little too late” or what should I do?
Also. I really liked what the OP of the other strip club thread (the link to it is on the bottom of my first post on this thread) said she was going to do. She said she made her husband pay her the same amount he paid the stripper for the lap dance, then she went to the mall and had husband watch her spend it on herself, then went to a club and offered the same type of lap dance to another man. Haha. Only I dont think I have the guts to demand something so brazen as she did. Plus money is tight. We dont have $80 lying around for me to spend like that. Im already the primary money earner for our household. I am considering having a fling of my own though. Ive already started looking around more. I might act nice most days on the outside but I just can’t live with myself being loyal to someone who likely wasnt loyal to me.
Do you want your children growing up with this amount of disrespect to their mother in their lives? It’s your role to set an example to them, and right now you’re setting the example that fidelity is meaningless. Your call.
Eeeep I don’t know if I could ever respect a man who left me home with our children to go and try to have sex with someone. Strip clubs are strip clubs, I don’t have a problem with them in my relationship however that’s because I implicitly trust my partner and know he wouldn’t cross any boundaries. It doesn’t matter that your husband was offered sex in or outside a strip club. He said “yes”. He wanted to cheat on you. How do you know he’s not going to say “yes” to the flirtatious co-worker? Woman in a bar? Friend of a friend? He’s yucky 🙁
ETA: you’re the primary money earner? And he lied about working back to spend money on lap dances and sex? This is so wrong, OP. I’m sorry you’re going through this
While I am not totally aginst strip clubs the sole fact that he lied to me as tho where he was would be a massive deal breaker.
Holy shit your last update just made it so much worse. So you’re struggling financially, he took $80 (minimum, tbh that seems low for sex…) to go pay to have sex with someone else, while you’re at home looking after the baby? What a fucking dirt bag.
It’s disgusting when people HAVE money, but to blow a significant amount when you don’t have it is just…worse than disgusting.
worried387 : so how does spending money you don’t have or having your own fling make your situation better? Because I can only see ways where it makes your situation worse, or at best, more complicated. You don’t have to forgive if you can’t move past it, but if you can’t forgive, just get a divorce. don’t drag even more people into your problems and don’t teach your children that somehow two wrongs make a right (because they don’t).
Beegritte : +1
Free passes or an affair of your own wouldn’t help a damned thing. You need to decide if you want to stay with someone who has intentionally hurt you and try to work things out or start moving things out and seperating. I’d do the latter because this was a serious betrayal of trust and I don’t see any way I could look past it. Remind yourself, he chose to go to the club and be dishonest about it, this wasn’t some passionate oops moment of getting carried away. He chose to get a box of condoms. He chose to stand there and wait for the woman. He chose to keep a secret from your for a month before you found out about it.
Oh jeez. I am pretty open minded so for stags, birthdays etc I don’t really care about strip clubs. If my Fiance friend bought him a dance, I wouldn’t like it per se but I’d get over it.
HOWEVER, if he started going alone or going regularly I wouldn’t be cool with it. That’s just not okay and speaks to an issue with him and a general breakdown in the relationship. If he agreed to meet up anywhere anytime with ANYONE (stripper or otherwise), that is full on infidelity and well why would anyone accept that? He cheated or attempted to cheat on you, he’s a loser. The strip club doesn’t even factor into the equation here.
The fact that he went to a strip club wouldn’t be a big deal to me. Although he said nothing happened beyond the groping, he intended to cheat while you were at home with baby. That’s despicable.
I would leave.