(Closed) On timing (aka vent)

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

My hunny is also not comfortable with change.  He has a lot of qualities, but adjusting to change, or “making things happen”, is not one of them.

Our strategy is that this is where he needs more support from me.  I try to see if there are any ways to help him feel more comfortable with “the change” (whatever change that may be).  For example, my SO had a hard time making the decision for us to move in together.  He was very scared of the unknown.  I had to reassure him constantly, telling him “this is me and you, we can handle it.  And eventually, things will fall into place and will feel normal again”. The whole process of moving in together was probably the hardest thing we’ve gone through together.  We are perfectly comfortable now, but it took a few months to get there.  And as long as he feels supported, and I remind him that I am there for him, he’s more willing to make changes.  I did have to learn the difference between “pressuring” and “supporting” though.  (Not that you sound like you are pressuring him, I’m just saying this for the sake of the conversation)

I’m just throwing ideas right now, but do you think if you made certain suggestions to your SO, perhaps it would give him the motivation he needs?  Perhaps you could offer to go look at rings together, and pay for half of it (if  that’s something you can afford, I don’t know you guys’ situation). Or even find other strategies that could help him get out of his discomfort with that change. 

I know what you mean with the whole situation though, it sounds like you guys both know that you are going to be together, but he seems scared or uncomfortable about the whole engagement/wedding thing.  I’ve been there!

 

Post # 4
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I know it’s hard, but I’d try my very best, best to not bring it up.  If it’s a suprise, he’d hardly tell you that he’s actively thinking about it. ad that’s what seems to be the case with ost guys on here.  Many have plans, they try to do it, but a meltdown or ‘talk’ sets them back mentally, making them feel a surprise is impossible (yes, as a woman I know it’s impossible, but this is part of HIS dream, here), so they wait even more.  Also, unless he knows how long in advance you ned to book places, he can’t plan around that.

I’ve got a similar problem of my SO complaining that his friends are moving on and doing things, but he fails to connect the dots about them actually making the changes in their lives that they want.  Sigh.  I’m keeping mum until the wedding we’re going to next month passes, making it almost 9 months since my last meltdown (that he was home for, anyway).  It’s the last we’re currently invited to, so unless my brother or his set a date (both engaged), I think we’ll have a break form other people getting married, and amybe I can bring up us.

Maybe, even if you’re like me and not cool about airing dirty laundry in public, you could ask someone at dinner to find a quiet way to plant a seed in the conversation, like about a venue that’s popular, and how long it needs to be booked?  Somethig that YOU didn’t bring up, but became part of the conversation, making it not really a ‘talk’ that you bring up later on the way home?

Post # 6
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@kay01: lol – ineption.  Good analogy. 😛  Maybe I can start playing subliminal messages about it at night.

Post # 7
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Let me preface this by saying that people are allowed to have different priorities, and I’m a little younger than you (less than 5 years difference, and I know fertility is a big deal). 

I think you both have bigger issues, and you might have a long wonderful future together, but it will probably take a lot of work and not just a ring. 

He sounds immature, like he’s not taking you seriously and maybe he’s not serious about the marriage. At 35, I do agree that he should be a) aware of female biology, b) at least vaguely aware that large events require planning and c) that wedding and kids are important to you. He should at a minimum be reassuring you that he understands that having these things in your future mean a lot to you, and he appreciates your patience even if he isn’t going to comply with your demands just yet. 

Yes, I said demands. Look, it sucks that despite all of our progress on gender roles, there’s still so much pressure for you to wait and him to ask. Its incredibly frustrating, especially if you’re a go-getter girl. Many of us (myself included) have at some point behaved irrationally because of this forced passivity. BUT. a) it doesn’t have to be this way. If you’re happy in a relationship where you’re doing his taxes, reminding him of your birthday etc, then go ahead and propose to him. Clearly you wear the pants anyway. b) We all lose sight of this at times, but a proposal is about a MARRIAGE, not a wedding. It doesn’t have to take place in a castle, and you don’t have to have years of notice to celebrate your commitment to each other and throw people a good time. if you wouldn’t marry him in a civil ceremony downtown next week (or privately with your pastor etc), then maybe you should take a step back about the whole thing. c) stop listening to your mom. She’s being ridiculous–her party or yours?! the two of you are pushing each other into misplaced priorities. 

Post # 8
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

but that means that he is sometimes upset to discover some things have moved from where they always were.  What I’ve actually taken to doing here, is accepting his mom’s help (she constantly volunteers) at organizing some things, so he has to get upset at both of us…and then rethinks whether that is reasonable.

I went through this too…. Never thought of asking the mil though… well she lives to far anyway.  But good idea!

That’s too bad that he lacks energy like that though, must be hard on you.

Post # 9
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’ve never met a guy who thought backwards from when they’d have a wedding.  It is 100% unsurprising that your boyfriend hasn’t considered it as a factor.  What is surprising is that he’s throwing around dates like 2016.  Have you spelled out the timeline you want with him?  If he wants to wait until you guys are 40 to have a kid, you might want to start throwing around numbers for the cost of IVF… that’s what got my husband ready and willing to try for a kid next year rather than in 4 or 5.  

I don’t think you should issue an ultimatum… but a simple, “I want to get married next year, and it takes a year to plan a wedding, so if you want to marry me, we need to engaged soon” is not entirely out of line.  And then never bring it up again.  Just my opinion, but some guys (and it sounds like your is one of them?) need a kick in the pants to get rolling.

Post # 12
Member
1737 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

This exhaustion could just be a temporary reaction to the big changes you’ve gone through – my Boyfriend or Best Friend is really affected by seasonal changes and yours might be, too, so as the days get longer and sunnier, maybe it’ll help him get some more get up and go.  Also, with all that you’ve done moving in, maybe you guys need a break to just go somewhere, unwind and ahve a no-stress weekend getaway?  Something to break up any doldrums that may have encroached on day to day life?  I was surprised by my Boyfriend or Best Friend simply suggesting we head to town (it’s 45 minutes away) this weekend, when he’d been such a homebody for ages.

Sure, I’d secretly been hoping we’d end up near a jewerly store and I could duck in pleading Mother’s Day as an excuse, and was disappointed it didn’t happen, but it was still a nice day out, and a change from just hanging around the house all weekend doing minor chores and trying to get our new grass to grow.  (Literally, I am excited about watching a tiny patch of grass growing and hopefully overtakig the weed infested yard – how lame).

Mayb if you can get him to go on simple walks with you a few times a week, it could combat his tiredness, as weird as that sounds – if he’s not sleeping because he’s “too tired” but his body isn’t really worn out, getting a bit more activity can help loads, AND exposure to the sun each day will help set his internal sleep clock.

Post # 13
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@kay01:Thank you for your patient reply, because I was definitely guilty of making some (wrong) assumptions in my post. The moving and Coast Guard issue is a big one and I get it, and needing a year to plan makes a ton of sense now. (We pushed our own date back by months until after my brother returns from serving overseas.) I sincerely wish you both the best!

Post # 14
Member
3303 posts
Sugar bee

I wouldn’t keep quiet about this- keeping quiet isn’t going to get you any where any time soon- which your first hint of that was a 2014/ 2016 marriage date from him? You both are clearly not on the same page and it is time for a sit down talk. However, before you do that, you have to figure out what is more important to you- being with HIM or getting married to another compatible man who wants to have children? Once you figure out what is more important, then you have to figure out how much longer you are willing to wait for your guy to come on board. Once that is figured out- the talk must commence starting off with your expectations/plans- I expect to have a child before (insert age here), I expect to have about (insert number here) children, I expect to wait (insert number here) after getting married before trying to conceive, and I expect to be married within (insert number here) year(s) of getting engaged, which by my calculations means (if you agree with my timeline) we need to be getting engaged fairly soon…. how do you feel about this? What was your timeline (being serious)? Is there anything stopping you currently? How can we move this forward together?

A closed mouth doesn’t get fed- if you want to be engaged soon, I wouldn’t leave it up to him because it doesn’t sound like he is thinking (seriously) about it. If six months go by how are you going to feel if he hasn’t proposed?

Post # 15
Member
253 posts
Helper bee

I agree with what  @MeghanV is saying. Some guys just need a kick in the pants to get things moving. I really hope things work out for you guys. But I do think you need to establish a timeline with him with getting married and having children. I think that that is vitally important. As MeghanV said just re-establish that you would need a year to plan a wedding and you would ideally like to get married next summer. 

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