(Closed) On Why I Gave My Boyfriend and Ultimatum (long)

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think in your situation you did a good thing. Well from the way you explained it. I can see the benefit..

but are you ready to actually follow through with it if he doesnt come through himself?

Anyway.. welcome to the BEE!!!

Post # 5
Member
3587 posts
Sugar bee

Welcome out of lurkdom!

I just have to say you are a strong woman to give your guy an ultimatum. I have a “talking to” date (the date HE said he’d propose by) but no ultimatum date.

I hope he does it by then. Fingers crossed for you!

Post # 7
Member
1432 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@WordyNerdyGirl: You sound like such a mature, strong woman, and I think that you’re being incredibly logical about everything.  I can tell that you love him very much, but that you’re not willing to sacrifice your future happiness because he is scared of change.  I think it’s very fair that you gave him plenty of time, and he should only return the favour by giving you an honest answer when the time comes.  

Welcome to the bee!

Post # 8
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

Honestly, I think you did the right thing.  Communication is so so so important, and you have told him exactly what you want.  You’re not being manipulative.  You’ve decided, on your own, what you need, you’ve let him know, and if he doesn’t give you what you need, you’re prepared to walk away.  You’re a strong woman, and I say bravo.  My husband and I were in a similar position–together almost 5 years…I had already moved once for him and I was getting ready to do it again.  I told him in no uncertain terms that if we weren’t officially committed to marry each other, I wasn’t going.  I had a great job and good friends and I had already done it once and I wasn’t doing it again unless we were engaged.  He totally understood–I don’t think he would have respected me if I’d been willing to follow him around endlessly with no concern for myself.  We got engaged far sooner that I expected, moved, bought a home, got married, and I ended up in the number one PhD program in my field.  So it all worked out.  But sometimes you just have to know what you want and say it out loud.  Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I just want to say that I can totally relate to the issues with the work schedule.  I’m in the same position you are–I work 9-5ish and my hubby works second shift, usually six, seven days a week (and we don’t find out until Wednesday if he has a Sat. or Sun off, so all plans are made last minute).  It’s hard for me to look forward to the weekends since I spend so much time alone.  My husband can’t take time off at the holidays.  I could hang out with friends, but I would be giving up what little time I have with my husband.  It does get lonely sometimes.  I unfortunately have no advice for you–it is what it is–but I just wanted to comiserate!

Post # 10
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee

I don’t especially agree with ultimatums in *most* cases, but I think your case is one of the exceptions where it may be appropriate, especially when you gave him fair warning. 

FWIW, I’m in a very similar situation to you (except we’re both in our young 30s, and his schedule is predicatable…preditably out of town M-F), and I have given him an “ultimatum” of our 4th-ish anniv. (with a one year warning).  …It only remains to be seen whether I’ll have the self-confidence to follow through with it or not.

Post # 11
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Welcome!

I agree with the ladies above.  Normally I would say I am generally “anti-ultimatum” but I think in your case, and in the way you went about it it’s a very reasonable thing to do.  My FH and I have been together for almost 2.5 years, and if it gets to our 3 year anniversary and he hasn’t proposed yet, I very well might do the same thing you have done and give him another year to get his mind made up.

I think it’s wonderful that you are so clear and what you want (and deserve) out of a relationship.  I think it can be a hard place for women to get to, to know that they would be the one to end things if there’s no future for marriage.  Especially when you consider that your self-esteem is taking a beating through this waiting – I admire you for standing up for yourself!

Post # 12
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@WordyNerdyGirl: I feel for ya girl! I think he’ll propose, what guy doesn’t want a successful, self-respecting, independent woman who knows what they want! Ultimatum all the way!

Post # 13
Member
806 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I don’t think you did anything wrong.  He’s had plenty of fair warning, since you told him 1-2 years ago.  Only thing – are you 100% certain he remembers that conversation if it was that long ago?  You would think he would, but one thing I’ve learned is never to underestimate how dense men can be with this stuff.

Letting a guy know what the expectations are is only fair to you.  I didn’t give a “hard ultimatum” (propose by this date or it’s over and I’m throwing you out) but I let my then-bf know, before we moved in, that I wanted to be engaged after a year of living together (total of 3.5 yrs together). And if not, I wouldn’t be happy and as they say, “if mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy.” 

Well, he didn’t propose during that first year, he proposed about six months after that, and those six months in between weren’t my finest moment.  But I truly believe I would have been waiting several more years if I hadn’t applied some pressure, and he admits that.  He wanted to get married, just didn’t feel the same urgency I did.  We’re fine now. 

 

A man has the right to propose whenever he wants and “feels ready” – but that doesn’t mean he can freeze the relationship in time – it might not be good enough for you anymore.

Post # 14
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

I gave my guy an ultimatum, too.  He took me ring shopping around our one year anniversary, and then proceeded to wait another 3 years to propose.  Around the 3 year mark, I started to get really upset with him.  I literally told him “s*** or get off the pot” at one point.  Not my finest moment, but I was frustrated.  After that I calmed down, and just let things be.  It was rough for awhile there, but it all worked out.

Post # 16
Member
2025 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Honestly, I think ultimatums are way better than spending 2 years harassing your boyfriend every day about getting married. Say it once or twice if you really mean it, then for your own sanity, leave if he makes the choice not to propose. But, I’m also of the mindset that there are thousands of people that could make you happy in the world.

 

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