Post # 17
Kudos for giving the ultimatum!! I did something similar, except in not those words exactly. And you are absolutely correct that you do have to stand up for yourself. If your self-esteem is being affected, it will follow you into all other aspects of your life (work, social relations, etc.) and screw you over. You absolutely gotta look out for yourself and make some tough decisions and FOLLOW THROUGH with those decisions, and not look back.
For me, it was living together for over 2 years. And if we talked about getting married, i’d hear 1) we don’t have the money, 2) i am still trying to get to that point to see if we can live with each other amicably. WTF!?!?! I didn’t think that #1 would be an issue if we actually got engaged and THEN started saving up. And as for #2, hasn’t he figured out yet how it is to live with me after 2+ years? What moronic answers! The truth of the matter was that he just got too comfortable with the way we were going. And he did want to marry me but in sweeeeeeeeet time.
Well guess what? Women don’t have all the time in the world to start a family! And that’s a biological thing! We don’t control it. So if you decided you are going to be with us, what is the difference between getting engaged NOW vs. THEN?
My solution was to just basically distant myself from him. I came back to my mom’s place and didn’t let him invite himself over. Only if my mom invites. So long of not having me ‘around’ made him realize what he actually had. And he wasn’t going to give that up.
Post # 18
I think you sound perfectly entitled to approach your SO and find out if he plans on having a future with you as a family.
I don’t think that is an ultimatum at all.. If you said ‘ask me to marry you tomorrow or i’m gone’ now THAT would be an ultimatum and utterly unreasonable.
I think sometimes on these boards that open communication and expression of wants and needs is misconstrued as pressure or dishing out an ultimatum. Having a mature discussion is just that, a mature discussion.
May I ask what his reaction to this was in terms of discussion?
Best, Peepstobee x
Post # 19
Congrats for taking your power back!
Post # 20
@Peepstobee: I can’t remember exactly about the first time, but I imagine (given the tone of more recent conversations and the fact I don’t remember anything specifically) that he was pretty understanding . I did have a small meltdown in September* about it and he basically just said that he understood why I was upset and that I was right, he was being a jerk about the whole thing and there was no excuse for us not being engaged. He is pretty calm and understanding about most things.
*I came home from work so we could go out to dinner on his day off and he was wearing a suit in our living room– which I’d only ever seen him do once before in our whole relationship– and I thought holy crap this is it! But it wasn’t. He was wearing the suit because I’d said he looked sexy last time he wore it and he was looking for some funtime. To be fair, I do think he honestly hadn’t though about what I would think if I came home from work on a Tuesday and he was all dressed up. Of course when nothing happened by the end of the date an unable-to-control-my-disappoint meltdown ensued.
Post # 21
I read your whole post and thought….did I somehow sleepwalk last night – make up a new screen name – and type this whole thing out?? It sounded so similar to the situation that I was in a few months back. My fiance also works crazy hours and I end up having dinner alone most nights. At around the 4 year mark (we also lived together through most of our relationship), I begen to basically feel the same way as you. Yes, I did perhaps in not such direct ways, that he had a certain time limit. I put the pressure on. This past May, he finally proposed and I was over the moon happy.
Now that we’re finally engaged, I look back and realized two things…
1) He loved me and would have proposed sooner but he wanted the best ring he could get me and wanted to save cash (not put it on the credit card).
2) We tend to want things more when we can’t/don’t have it. I drove myself crazy by allowing that WANT for something I couldn’t have consume me…which turned me into this person that I did not like. Once we were engaged and I got over that initial excitement, I realized that nothing really changed. He was committed all along. I didn’t understand why I needed a ring to prove that. We had already been through so much together…and I could have waited and given him more breathing room to do it on his own time.
I hope that you maintain a level head (which you seem to already have!) and try really really hard not to have crazy girl moments (like I did!) =)
Anyways, welcome to the weddingbee!