(Closed) Once a cheater, always a cheater… but what if you're the cheater?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
3444 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Haven’t been through anything similar but I think the saying is overdone and inaccurate. People change if they want to for themselves and not a minute before. So you can’t decide someone will *always* be the same way bc it depends on many factors. From what you’ve described you have a serious issue remaining faithful and should talk to a professional to locate the source. If you feel just as content as you did in your previous relationships when you cheated then it will likely happen again. Your OH (what does that mean btw?) seems to be talking with his ego. I’m not attacking you but cheating is an extremely selfish behavior and if you even think you’ll do so again maybe its best you extract yourself from any committed relationships until the issue is addressed. 

Post # 3
Member
2180 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
thatweddinggirl :  If your pattern of cheating feels outside of your control, then you either 1) have serious issues with self control and accountability or 2) serious issues with low self-esteem and self-sabotage. Both are worth talking to a professional.

The fact that you’ve been a serial monogamist since puberty is interesting–have you ever had an identity completely outside of a relationship?

Post # 4
Member
5818 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

I think counseling is a must. You have an addiction and need help. You’re worried about old habits of cheating coming back and this just doesn’t disappear on its own. 

Faithfulness isn’t a question of whether the person you’re with is perfect. No one is perfect and problems will always show up in your relationships. Unhappiness doesn’t give you a license to cheat. You need to fix your own issues before marriage. Good  luck.

Post # 5
Member
3327 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think counselling is a great idea! I think you should start with personal counselling for yourself first. Premarital counselling is great, and I think all couples should have it, but that is more about couple dynamics. Cheating is usually an internal thing, something that you should address on your own.

I do agree with him though – I think cheaters CAN settle down once they find the right person. People cheat for different reasons. I dont profess to know all of them or each person who does, how can anyone else!

Post # 6
Member
47342 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Having some insight into our past behaviors can help with future behaviors. A therapist may be able to help you understand why you needed to seek attention outside your past relationships.

Post # 7
Member
5941 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
thatweddinggirl :  I don’t believe “once a cheater, always a cheater”. Isn’t that a line made up on ‘Friends’? A friend once told me he was a serial monogomist. Could that be it? I think talking to a counselor is a great idea!

Post # 8
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

View original reply
thatweddinggirl :  Hey there! I’m a counselor and have had clients with similar experiences…If you’re ready to take the step to addressing your behaviour, you don’t have to wait until you’re engaged to start your own individual counselling.

Post # 9
Member
2251 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

First you have to answer yourself why are you cheating?  Are you seeking a thrill? Are you unhappy in the current (past ) relationship?  Has something happened to you in childhood that triggers cheating behavior? Low self esteem?  Mental disease?  Anything could be the answer,  but you need to figure it out, asap. You haven’t been able to stop yourself from destructive unhealthy behavior in the past,  therefore you need professional help to sort things out and move on.

Post # 10
Member
205 posts
Helper bee

Yes, go to counseling. I have been in a similar situation. Not exactly the same, but similar. I just decided that’s not how I wanted to be any more, and my fiance is the most important thing in my life. We’ve been in counseling off and on for 2 years, we are both going together and separately. And at first it’s a seriously conscious effort to stay faithful, but then it just gets to be the norm. I avoid people and situations that tempt me, that’s all. And they’re easier to avoid the longer you do it. Good luck, I have faith in you!

Post # 11
Member
451 posts
Helper bee

I don’t believe once a cheater, always a cheater — but I do believe if you do not take the time to dig deep and figure out why these things happened, you’re destined to repeat the past.

Another thing I dislike about that saying is, it almost takes away accountability for the cheater. Being faithful is a choice. You need to choose to be faithful, and you CAN choose to be faithful. You’re not outside your own control. “Oh, well, I couldn’t help it, I’ve cheated on my last 4 boyfriends…” Yes, you can help it.

Post # 12
Member
769 posts
Busy bee

Definitely therapy. Solo, not couple. I mean, it’s your issue at the end of the day. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
7345 posts
Busy Beekeeper

The decision to cheat or not cheat is absolutely within your control–therapy (do it now, don’t wait until you are engaged for premarital counseling) will help you to learn why you chose that route instead of just ending your prior relationships and help you understand how to make better choices in the future. 

(And let yourself off the hook for your 14 year-old actions, unless you feel somehow getting away with it then was positive reinformcement to repeat it as an adult.)

Post # 14
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I don’t know if I believe the phrase once a cheater always a cheater, despite being cheated on.  I have never cheated in a relationship because I firmly think cheating is a choice and not something that is out of your control.

My ex Fiance cheated on me and I ended the relationship because I did not think I could fully trust him.  My current boyfriend cheated once in a previous relationship, but it was more an emotional affair and he and the other girl kissed once, and that’s when he ended things.  He and his ex stayed together after that and broke up for other reasons not related to his indiscretion.  He hasn’t cheated since and I trust him.

I don’t believe the “right guy” will make you stop cheating.  I usually don’t throw out the therapy term, but in this case I think it is warranted NOW, before you’re engaged.  You need to get to the root of why you keep doing this; my armchair psychologist guess is that you’re a “grass is always greener” person and/or you are addicted to the rush of feelings and emotions a new relationship provides.

Post # 15
Member
10358 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think you’re right to worry about this and that taking the initiative to go to counseling is a great sign. You obviously recognize that what you are doing is not right and want to avoid it this time around. I think that for yourself you should seek counseling and try to figure out what drives you to be this way before you make a lifelong commitment to your parter.

He doesn’t have to understand why you’re doing it, only support you.

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