(Closed) Once a cheater, always a cheater… but what if you're the cheater?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
918 posts
Busy bee

This is obviously going to disrupt the overall tone of the thread, but I find these replies interesting. I originally clicked on this post to see if my mindset would or wouldn’t be confirmed, and it is being confirmed. I firmly believe if a female Bee came on her, expressing how her boyfriend/potential fiancé has cheated in ALL his past relationships, girls would be telling her to run. Red flag. Once is one thing, more is intentional. And I just find it a bit ironic that we’re a community of primarily feminist women, yet we have such sexist tendencies that we won’t own up to. Why does the mindset change when she’s s girl? Why is it that when it’s a guy doing it, he’s a player or asshole, but when a girl does it, she can ‘change’ and ‘seem help’. It’s just really hypocritical, to be honest. And I’m not saying YOU bees are, but the bee in general has a real big balance issues with giving sexes the same treatment. 

 

Anyway, I personally couldn’t trust someone after cheating, especially if it was on all your relationships. But your SO seems to think he can break that pattern, for whatever reason, but I do think you need to do everything possible to have accountability for your actions and considerations of how they hurt and disrespect people. Even when your SO is awful to you, cheating isn’t justified. To me, it’s way harder emotionally to cheat than break up with that individual. As others have said, do whatever you need to do to stop. Because if you honestly care about your SO, you won’t do this.

Post # 47
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

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thatweddinggirl :  You can’t just give up because you got set back just like you can’t just cheat and blame the other person.

This link gives you London based therapist £20 first session and no need every week…. There are loads out there Google – you said NHS so I assume you are in the uk 

http://www.talkthinkact.co.uk

Post # 49
Member
3876 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

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thatweddinggirl :  I definitely think you should seek counseling. Cheating isn’t something that just “happens.” It isn’t an accident. Especially in your case where you are completely sober and aware of what you are doing in a year-long affair. Something like that takes planning, lying, and absolute awareness of the seriousness of it. If you can’t identify what it is that is causing you to cheat, then you may need help identifying what it is that causes you to do so. However, I know many are dismissing the “Once a cheater, always a cheater” saying, but I firmly believe it has some merits. In your case, you’ve cheated in every single relationship you’ve had–it would be naive and dangerous to assume that you are not going to cheat in this relationship as well. Your SO’s assurance that you won’t cheat because you’ve found the “right one” is also incredibly naive. 

I don’t mean to sound catty, but I firmly believe you need to seek help because the way you are talking about your fear of cheating shows that you feel like you have no control over it or can’t identify when it may happen again. You do have control over it. This isn’t something that just randomly happens one day like, “Shoot, I was going to the market, but I ended up in this year long affair with another man. What are the chances?” Counseling will help you to better understand yourself and forge a stronger relationship with yourself that you may be lacking.

 

Post # 50
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Generally when people cheat and then move into a relationship with the person they cheated with over and over it’s an issue of codependency, rather than self control. You can’t stand to be alone with yourself so you always need to have someone waiting in the wings so their is no gap. This pattern is based in low self esteem. If you can’t stand to be alone with yourself for any period of time, you need address those feelings. Getting married with won’t even begin to solve them. 

Seek counseling for low self-esteem. 

Post # 51
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

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thatweddinggirl :  I mean, what are your reasons for cheating? Was it bc you were young? Or maybe didn’t want to be alone? I don’t agree that once a cheater always a cheater.

Before my SO I was in two relationships that at the time I would have considered serious, I cheated on one (make out) and emotionally cheated on the second. I also dated other guys that were serious and invested but I wasn’t so I did my own thing. Maybe that makes me an asshole but I think when we’re young we don’t exercise the best judgement. That being said, I would never in a million years even think about cheating on my SO now. He’s my best friend and I value our relationship more than anything (and in quietly a waiting bee😜) so I would never do anything to jeopardize that.

Are you tempted to cheat? Is that what’s worrying you?

Post # 52
Member
225 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I haven’t read this whole thread, but have you ever considered an open relationship? Some people just like variety and thrill. Unless your particular inclination is at the level that it needs to be 100% authentic cheating, you could easily find fulfillment that doesn’t require actually hurting anyone. Some men even enjoy a woman who “cheats” on them! You just have to find the right balance of variety from a non-exclusive-type relationship and comfort/security from an exclusive/committed relationship. I think many more women than will ever be willing to admit it wish they could seek more sexual thrill than they find in their “comfort” relationship. 

Post # 53
Member
6896 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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thatweddinggirl :  Here’s how I feel about the “once a cheater” phrase:  it’s not about the cheater themselves.  It’s advice for the person who was/could be cheated on.  It’s a generalization that one uses to make a sensible decision about their dating choices.  Is it true for everyone?  Of course not.  But it’s food for thought when considering dating someone who has cheated in the past.  It helps people stay on the alert or step away from a potential relationship that they’d be paranoid in.  I, for instance, would never date a cheater because I feel like it points to certain moral issues that I’m not cool with.  Other people are forgive and forget, particularly if it was once, a very small ‘cheat’ such as a kiss, or a ‘drunken mistake’ (things I also am not cool with).

In your case, I’d use the phrase to help look within, because it does seem to be a serial issue with you.  Why are you choosing to cheat instead of stepping away from your old relationship.  What are you afraid of?  Why is it happening again and again?  The reason I suggest this is because right now you feel you are with the person you want to stay with and it’s important to make sure you don’t make the same bad decision when times get rough or a cuter guy comes along.  Looking within, perhaps speaking to a therapist about these choices, will likely help you avoid the same bad decision making in future and learn to actually solve issues in relationships or terminate them like an adult.

Post # 54
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

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yourhandinmine :  

I agree. I’ve been reading a few of these threads and most of the women on this site are very hypocritical and judgemental. They claim they would must toss their partner aside if they cheated, no matter what the cause, but if a woman cheated on their man, it was a mistake and could be forgiven. Men are humans too, and if truly remorseful, deserve forgiveness and I can’t believe how heartless some of these girls are on here. I’m surprised that they even have someone in their lives that’s puts up with them. If I was a man, I know I couldn’t. 

 

Marriage is a partnership between two people who love each other. It’s not supposed to be fairytale-esque or all sunshine and roses. You’ll have ups, downs, and in between days, but you’re supposed to be there for each other. If someone screws up, whether it be because of adultery, screwing up finances, or lack of communication, you need to try and work it out. You made a vow to be with this person, to love this person. I find it very weak to throw in the towel just because they didn’t turn out to be a shining white knight. 

Post # 55
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

It’s hard for me to understand how someone could hurt another in such a malicious way. I do understand that you are aware of your problem and looking to change, but I also think you clearly lack empathy for being able to hurt and deceive another in that way. I could not ever date or even have a friendly relationship with someone who is able to hurt others in the way you have.

Post # 57
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

Never agreed with cheating! Or understood it. If I was attracted to another guy in that way I would leave my husband! No need for it 

Post # 58
Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

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mingogo4 :  totally agree! 

Post # 59
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

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thatweddinggirl :  I don’t believe that saying is true for everyone at all.

You have made mistakes and yes you definately need to get to the bottom line of why it happens, people cheat for many reasons.

But you have clearly realized your faults and come asking for help.. on a quite judgemental site nontheless and my hat is off to you for that. I can and will always respect a person who can admit their faults, without blaming other factors and show a willingness to change and I think you can.

You clearly have very deep feelings for your OH and I think you can get to the bottom of this.

Good luck bee

 

Post # 60
Member
10358 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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thatweddinggirl :  You can close the thread if you want. I forget how to do it but if you don’t want anymore replies its an option.

The topic ‘Once a cheater, always a cheater… but what if you're the cheater?’ is closed to new replies.

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