(Closed) once again…a “kid-free” wedding post :/

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Talk to your Fiance. 

That is always the answer.  I don’t know what the solution will be, but I think this is one of those topics that the person who feels most strongly about their position “wins.”  If having kids is VERY important to your Fiance, then I’m sure you will suck it up and deal.  If have no kids is VERY important to you, then I’m sure your Fiance will help come up with a nice way to limit kids.  (I think age 10+ is a good rule for the whole event.)

Post # 5
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@evylise:  If one of his concerns is his sisters’ reaction and holding a grudge…then ask him which is worse:  you limiting all kids at the reception because of “space” OR you losing it on sisters’ kids at the reception for acting like terrors.  lol

Post # 7
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

Agree with PP, talk to your Fiance. This is an issue between the both of you and it needs to be discussed between the both of you. You both need to come to a conclusion, afterall,… it is both of your wedding..and should each have what you picture. You might picture a really sophisticated adult funtion but your Fiance might picture a wedding surrounded by family… 

Post # 8
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

If you and Fi are paying for the wedding equally then neither of you can simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to anything. Try to figure a compromise that will be acceptable to the both of you. Perhaps a sitter for the reception so parents don’t have to arrange help but no kids into the adult area???

FWIW, i’m with you. I’m having no kids to any part of the wedding except the 2 I know really well cos I know now they’ll be well looked after x

Post # 10
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Maybe approach the SILs and other parents as giving them a “date night” to enjoy some cocktails and fun without the kids, rather than coming across as I-don’t-want-your-brats-there sort of attitude… I’m totally with you, btw.  I don’t want some kid digging their hands into our cake or spilling something on my dress or screaming during our vows… I’d flip out if any of that happened.

Post # 12
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

What perfect timing that he had to spend all day with 20 youngsters! I feel you on the no kids thing. My thing is that our wedding would be outside, in the DARK (once you got outside the tent) and I want there to be some alcohol. It’s not a kid friendly environment! I don’t know all the details of your venue, but I wonder if there is some way to put it on the venue? If he is worried about his sister’s reactions, maybe that could be a way to soften it a bit. “Oh, the venue has some pretty strict rules regarding young ones, it’s really not the most kid friendly place.” Or
“the venue requests that all kids are watched by a sitter, and it could be really costly” (that one might be stretching into lie more than truth though im not sure.) If a case could be made for the reception space being more at fault, maybe your FH would feel more comfortable bringing it up?

Post # 13
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2007

I’m a mom and I’m dealing with a similar situation from my sister at this time.  She and her Fiance do not want my kids at her wedding because it is going to be formal, and they are afraid of disruptions.  IMO, you should have the wedding you want, but make sure you are ready to deal with any fall-out you will have for not wanting kids at your wedding.  I’m about ready to remove myself from her wedding (I’m her MOH) because their decisions are so hurtful, and they don’t really care…’they want what they want’ (exact quote).  So, if the ‘no-kid- policy is worth potentially dealing with a family feud and a lot of upset/hurt/disappointed/pissed family members, which will probably go way beyond the actual wedding date, then have it your way.  Just remember, you are not just marrying your Fiance, you are marring his family too…for the rest of your life (hopefully J).

Post # 14
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MommyofTwo:  I have to ask… why do you find it offensive that your sister wishes to have the wedding she wants?  I’m not trying to be snarky, I swear – I’m just curious why you would be offended that she does not want your kids there?

Post # 15
Member
40 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2007

It’s not so much offensive to me, but super hurtful, beyond words.  They are the only nephews/nieces on either side, my parent’s only grandchildren, and my sister is my oldest son’s Godmother.  She keeps describing them as ‘potential disruptions’ and that her wedding is ‘formal.’  These are my kids, her only nephews, not dogs.  I could understand if my kids didn’t exist, then a no-kids wedding would be fine, but they exist, and I thought she cared about them as a part of our immediate family.  The most formal wedding of them all, William & Kate’s wedding, had two 3 year olds in the wedding party…and the royal family didn’t appear to be concerned about disruptions from these kids.  As a mom, I would never let my kids ruin her wedding or reception (my in-laws or husband would remove them at the first peep), but they should at least be welcome to attend.

I was a bride (almost 5 years ago), so I understand wanting to have they wedding you want.  But, as I learned as a bride, and in marriage, it’s not always about you, not even on your wedding day.  If something is so hurtful to your family or your FI/husband’s family, then it’s really not worth it.  For example, (one of many examples) I really didn’t want to use any of the items my then Future Mother-In-Law bought for us for our wedding (i.e. ring bearer pillow, guest book, cake cutter, and a few other things I can’t even remember) because they were not at all my style, but I knew that not using them would have been so hurtful to her since she really took a lot of time to select those items and she thought they were fabulous.  So, we decided to use the ring bearer pillow and guest book (and maybe other things too), but used the cake cutter from the set we picked out.  And, those are just ‘things,’ they aren’t relationships or people. 

I guess you really need to take a look at your and your FI’s family and the relationships.  If your family doesn’t typically have kids at a wedding, or if you don’t have nieces/nephews or close friends/family with kids, that’s great, then a no kids wedding may work fine.  However, if your family typically includes kids at a wedding (such as mine), or you have nieces/nephews or close family/friends with kids, then having a no-kids wedding will most likely cause a lot of hurt feelings and disappointment, as it has to myself, and my parents.

Just a few thoughts from a former bride, and now a mom.

Post # 16
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Re. the “have the wedding you want” mentality…

I’ve never bought into the “It’s my day we do what we want’ perspective. America is the only place where brides are encouraged to do what they want, because it’s “their” day. Call me old-fashioned but I think it’s about two families, two communities, coming together. I don’t think it’s all about me me me, I think it’s about honoring each other and your love, your parents, your families, your friends, everyone who has supported each of you to become who you are today and who you will be in the future as a couple.

We are American and we are paying for our own wedding, but we are still compromising with our family on what will make them happy and feel included. Not everything, but the big things. I can’t imagine leaving out my cousins’ kids, my fiance’s nephew… they are part of our family too. I would rather everyone attend our ceremony, kids being kids and all, because that’s what a family is, than exclude certain people. 

Of course there’s a balance to be struck- we are doing a lot of things we want to do and not doing some things our parents want us to do- but that happens in any situation. But the big things- like ensuring everyone important in our lives feels welcome and included- there’s no compromising on that.

I think it’s fine if others feel differently, of course to each her own, that’s just how I feel about it 🙂

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