(Closed) One Broken Hearted Bee needing support

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 34
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Oh, hun, what a traumatic thing to go through! You are o strong and I’m proud of you for being able to make the decision to leave. It’s heartbreaking to hear that your family is having such a hard time accepting your decision. I hope they come around and give you the love and support that you deserve. And best wishes with your new love. I do hope everything works out for you.

I do, however, also agree with the pp about informing the child’s parents that way they can have insight and be prepared to help their son if he ever does end up having issues in his adolesence due to his trauma. 🙁

Post # 35
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I have so much admiration for you. You deserve all the happiness in the world. Big hugs to you for all your strength and courage.

Post # 36
Member
262 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Wow, Im so proud of you for being so strong through such a tough situation. I know you loved him and im sure he loved you too– but it all comes down to how you feel about the situation. you couldnt handle living with a man and starting a life with a person who had violated a child- as one day it could be your own child–

 

your a strong woman and just remember that no matter what happens in life, Life will always give you something good.. no matter how bad it seems at that point, theres always a good reason for sure and u will see this in the long run when you do meet the new man in your life.

 

Dont give away your dress, always keep it with you as memories of what a happy occasion it was and look forward for a day where you can actually put that dress on and walk down the isle. itll soon come, God willing. just have hope and stay strong. If you ever need to talk, Just PM me.

 

Post # 37
Member
3189 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I’m glad that you left and will spend your supposed to be wedding day on vacay. But…I have trouble responding to this post because i have been in someone in this story’s position – not yours or your ex-fiance’s, but the child’s. When I was about 16 or 17 the secret came out, and it turned out a couple of people had suspected or known and never said anything. I was horrified – how could someone know what I had ben through, known that I had to be totally traumatized, and of not said anything? Not made him take responsibility for his behavior?

I think that he deserves to be reported. Because for all you know that 2 year old who is now a teenager can’t bring himself to be romantic with anyone, maybe he is even depressed or cutting like I was. And if his secret was exposed, then HIS healing process, which is so greatly needed, could finally begin. You did the right thing for yourself (although I too would encourage on taking things very slowly with the new bf, sometimes we can be too quick to idealize someone new when we just went through heartbreak, and your former wedding date has not even passed). but now someone needs to do the right thing for the child.

Post # 39
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Screw what your family and friends are saying. I think you did the total right thing in this situation. As hard as it is know, you’re going to find someone who makes you even happier in the future. Think of all the hardship you would have been in for if you had married this guy… ugh. So glad you found all this out before marrying him!! *HUGS*

Post # 40
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

While I’m so sorry that the OP has had to go through all of this, I readily admit that I do not understand all of the psychological complexities involved in this case, I do have a couple questions about some things that everyone else seems to be bypassing.

Unlike everyone else who has commented, I am NOT sure that leaving him was the best thing. (alright, she has done it, and what is done is done, but hear me out please.)

Her Fiance ws FIFTEEN! That is an ADOLESCENT! Isn’t that extremely significant from a psychological view? An adolescent is exploring sexuality, and especially if his moral sense was not properly formed, then he may really not have known at the time how bad what he was doing was.  If he says he never did it since, and truly realizes how horrible it was, then I would believe him. That was a LONG time ago! We all probably did dumb things when we were 15…we were just lucky enough to not do anything that was horribly illegal, and horrible in other ways, and get caught!

Now I’m not sure about the legal issues involved, but isn’t there some statute of limitations that would prevent him from getting in trouble? (or maybe it doesn’t apply for sexual abuse, like same as murder.) AND, since he was under 18, even if he did get in trouble, wouldn’t it be relatively mild, since he was a minor when it occured?

Your parents know him. We don’t know him at all. You have been caught up in the emotion of the situation (and becoming so close with another man so soon! warning flag!) I think you should listen to those you trust who know the situation and your ex-FI well (your parents,) and not just yourself or us!

(but like I said, what’s done is done. Although I am extremely wary about this new man. PLEASE wait at least a year or two before marrying him!)

I’m wishing and praying for the best for you (and your ex-FI! my heart also goes out to him… losing the love of his life after confessing what was probably horrible for him to say. Did he change as a person just cuz you found out something about him? No, he was the same person. Are you upset because he never told you before? Well, when should he have? It’s not like we go on 2nd dates and say, “oh btw, I have this horrible secret…”)

Post # 41
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@red_rose: With all due respect, the child he molested was TWO at the time. It’s not like he was messing around with another adolescent who was only a few years younger than him. I work with students ages 13-15 on a regular basis, and they know enough about right and wrong to know that sexually messing with a 2-year old is sick. 

Post # 42
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

I can only speak for the State of Florida, but if this meets the requirements for rape, even given his age, this can be a life felony, and there is no statue of limitations, nor should there be.

look at the second entry in the first column

http://www.rainn.org/pdf-files-and-other-documents/Public-Policy/Legal-resources/2009-Statutes/09FloridaStatutes.pdf

joy2011 Do you honestly think that sexual acts on a two year old by a fifteen year old is in any way a comprehensible form of sexual experimentation? Do you think, and this is accepting his story as true which is doing him probably more credit than he deserves, that at fifteen he really thought that this was something that was good for a two year old?

There is also the very doubtful aspect of his “this was the only time” “it was only once” – I also have a bridge in Brooklyn I’d like to sell you.

Post # 43
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

ok, here’s another thing I am thinking…she left him because he TOLD her. He could have very easily spent the rest of his life (but in great personal suffering) NOT telling her, they would have gotten married, and he may OR may not have molested anyone else.

She punished him by leaving him because he was *honest?*

Does everyone on here really think that was a better thing to do than saying, “I love you, I know you are a good person who made a horrible mistake, and so we are going to work through this together.”

If it didn’t affect their relationship for 7 years, then why would she assume that it would affect it later?

again, I’m sorry that I do not know all the statistics and facts about the psychological damage and whatever of situations like this… I would be very interested to hear from someone who know better if it can really be said– “almost EVERYONE who molests someone when they are an adolescent will do so again sometime later in life” or something like that. [isn’t that the primary concern? Is that OP’s primary concern? Or is it just that he never told her before? Well, I think if he had told her at any point before, she would have still left him! Poor guy; so even if he does ever get treatment or therapy or whatever for this, then every girl will still leave him as soon as she finds out?]

Post # 44
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mriebee: No, I absolutely do not think that this is a “comprehensible” form of sexual experiment or that he thought it was “good for” the 2 year old. I just thought he may not have known HOW bad it was. (I am quite offended that you would think I was condoning the behavior in any way. From where exactly did you get that idea?)

So did she leave him because she does not believe that this was the only time? I would hope that in her 7 years with him she would know him better than that! (If it were true that this were the only time, then I would think that her experience with him would be that he is otherwise a good, honest person. But if she has other reason to doubt him, then yes, she should leave him.)

Post # 45
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

If you knew how these guys operate from the inside you might think twice before accepting this at face value. And they’re very good at hiding just what they are really like, so no, she might not know at all, even after 7 years.

Post # 46
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mriebee: I think I MIGHT be more likely to believe him precisely because he DID tell her. If it was something that he kept on doing, then why would he have admited to doing it once?

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