(Closed) One Broken Hearted Bee needing support

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

It’s very common for them to admit some version of the facts that have extenuating circumstances, i.e., “I was only X years old” and “it was only that once” – just as common as houseflies, lies like that, from this sort of perp. Anyone who by fifteen years old didn’t have it in his head that a two year old is off limits has some kind of predatory nature. I shudder to think of all the times my own teenage perp would smile like Eddie Haskell to adults and ask to babysit and they all thought “what a nice boy!!”

 

Post # 48
Member
2637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@mriebee: I am extremely sorry that you had to go through that. I hope that you have been able to get the healing that you need. 🙁

Post # 49
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Wow. First I’m proud of you and so sorry you had to go through this. It is a ultimate form of betrayal to have a secret like that hidden and then exposed. I wish you the very best and will hope everyone involved in this matter will heal from this especially the child. That being said, I am a survivor of sexual abuse. I was abused from the time I was 9 years old till I was 11 at the hands of my mothers BF. I am APPAULED by your families reaction to you. I say that bc my very own mother sided with my abuser and to this day I’m now 31 I do not have a relationship with her. To this day she says she does not believe me, nor my younger sister, nor my childhood friend that were abused too. I hope that your parents will wake up and see you made the right decision bc it could have happened again and how would they feel if it was your children? I can understand your pain with their actions, I live with it everyday. Families are not suppose to turn their backs on you in a time of emotional crisis! It’s disgusting, it truly is but I applaud you for working through this and getting help with your emotions, it’s not easy. I wish you the best in your new relationship and hope to see more from you on here!

Post # 50
Member
1200 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

@red_rose: I see where you are coming from. My first reaction when reading this was to have sympathy for the guy because he was honest with her and then she left him.

But he was drunk when he told her, so that’s one red flag. And although it may hurt others, sometimes you have to do wat’s best for you, ya know?. I am still learning that. It’s a hard reality.

Still, I do feel bad for the guy, and if I was in the situation I probably would not have left so soon for many of the reasons you mentioned about him being young when it happended, and honest about it. But who’s to say that would be the right decision?

The OP fees like she cannot risk having children with this guy who could potentially molest their children. She would probably never be able to forgive herself, especially knowing she knew about his past and could have prevented her children from being hurt by not staying with him. I think thats a valid reason for her to be selfish in this case, even at the expense of his feelings.

It’s a tough situation, and even though I can see the other side of it, I won’t criticize the OP for the decision she made for herself. Maybe one day he’ll meet a woman wiling to take a chance on him. Or maybe he won’t tell the next woman in his life and things will play out totally differently. Who knows. Not sure if that should be her burden. He definitely needs some therapy though after all of this.

Now, the part at the end where the OP mentions now being in a relationship with the male friend she confided in does strike me as odd, and very premature. But stranger things have happened, I guess. Not having been in the siutation, I cannot judge. People are right though to tell her to take it slow with him.

Post # 51
Member
2336 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Someone asked about statute of limitations for the crime.  If she lives in CA (and the sexual abuse happened there), a quick google search says criminal prosecution is 10 years for child molestation, however, it’s also a year from whenever the victim tells the police about it (even if past the 10 year mark).  Laws vary by state and google is NOT an authoritative source, I’m just posting it to say that it’s very possible that the statuate of limitations has not run out.  That said, I also have no idea if it’s a crime for her to conceal it now that she knows.

Post # 52
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

One hell of an experience, but you did the right thing. There would be no way you could have had kids with that man and trusted him completely. So glad you found love again!

Post # 56
Member
1510 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I think you were right to leave and all the steps you’re taking are fantastic. I feel a little weird you posted this story with what I assume is an actual photo of yourself. Someone could link your ex to this story, and while I agree what he did was wrong, I’m not sure I agree with outing him either. It’s just one of those things I’m on the fence about. 

Post # 57
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@RobotBabooshka: Your strength is really inspiring. I completely get what you’re saying: you left him because you know realize he is not who you thought he was, not because he was “too honest” with you. I hope other people can respect you for this hard decision you had to make, as well.

Post # 59
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Thank you for finding the strength to tell us what you have been going through.  I can’t even imagine how you felt or are feeling.  With the wedding date nearing, I pray that you continue to have strength and not do something you might regret.  All the best and good luck!

Post # 60
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

It’s not your responsibility…. and clearly you’ve been through hell… but that child could subsconsciously remember this abuse somewhere and become an offender himself without some therapy… Have you ever thought about somehow sending an anonymous note to the family without naming names perhaps?  Keeping in a secret like that destroys people’s lives… 

 

Post # 61
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Without reporting this information to the authorities you are protecting a sex offender.  The child may not remember the exact event as he was so young.  However, at some point in his life this event will more than likely affect him.  If he does not know what happened to him in his past he won’t know how to heal and have the best life he can have.  The trauma of this event will most likely affect him as he reaches his teen years and early adult hood. 

 

I am very glad you had the strength to leave and find the love that you deserve.  I just think that someone needs to be the voice of the victim.  If the victim learns of this trauma and chooses to ignore it then that is his choice but at least he has the knowledge of what happened to him.  We need to stop feeling bad for pedophiles.  What happens if your ex has children of his own and offends against one of them, then you had information that he had done this and chose not to report it.  Help make sure he does not have the opportunity to create more victims.

 

For what it’s worth I work with child sex offenders and child victims of sexual abuse on a daily basis.

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