(Closed) One Broken Hearted Bee needing support

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 62
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

The fact that people are actually having sympathy for this guy over the OP is ASTOUNDING to me. There are a few different psychological viewpoints, some psychologists believe that child molesters can be “fixed” through intensive therapy and things like DBT (which he refuses to go through) and other believe that they can’t because there are too many factors (both physical and environmental) making them into what they are. I’m not a psychologist (YET) but after extensive research and some schooling, I can tell you that I’m the latter of the two.

The chance that this was an isolated event is slim to none, and even if the event itself was isolated, the chance that the thoughts were is even more microscopic. This is a compulsion for these people. Over 90% of convicted pedophiles are arrested again after release for the same or similar offenses. According to research, the typical offender is male, begins molesting by age 15, (hmm, that sounds familiar) and most of their victims go unreported. Just because he never gave her any reason to suspect him definitely does NOT mean that he didn’t repeat the offense. And just because he told her about ONE victim (perhaps to test her reaction? Admitting to 1 victim is better than admitting to 10) does NOT mean he didn’t have multiple victims. 

OP, if you EVER want children, you did the right thing leaving, don’t let ANYONE tell you differently. I am struggling with whether you should notfify the victim’s parents, however. Even though the child may not remember the sexual act, this doesn’t mean it won’t affect him later in life. Also, your ex is refusing to take responsibility for his actions and refusing to go get help. Therapy for him, I feel is NECESSARY. If you told on him, he may be forced by the system to see a psychologist…but again, I don’t know that letting the child go through reliving and trying to remember the acts is a good idea. Perhaps notify his parents (if it was your child, wouldn’t YOU want to know??) but leave whether or not to tell the boy and attempt to press charges (unknown if it’d even go through since there is no real “proof” and the child may not remember) up to them. 

Post # 63
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am sorry about what happened but i really believe this should be reported I have two little boys of my own and if anything like this ever happened to them and someone was aware of it I would never be able to forgive that person.  I understand it has happened in the past but he is obviously needs to seek help.  Most sexual offenders are repeat offenders. I know you feel like you have to protect him but who was there to protect that child?

Post # 64
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am sorry if that was blunt but this is coming from a mother of 2 young boys.

Post # 65
Member
3974 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

WOW, I didn’t think there could be anything worse than hearing your Fiance has cheated on you, but I was wrong. 🙁 That is most certainly worse.

You sound very strong, and I’m glad you’re picking up the pieces and finding happines. I hope your family comes around eventually.

Is there any way you could contact athorities without getting the boy involved? I mean people have a point, it could be damaging to the child to bring this up when he may not even remember it, but the authorities need to be made aware that this crime occured.

Post # 66
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

He may also do this again to someone elses child!!

Post # 67
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@maureen9004:   That attitude is disgusting. Anyone who protects child molesters is despicable. I will never apologize for saying that.

Post # 68
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Any update on this? I felt my heart breaking reading this. 

Post # 69
Member
496 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Oh my god, I am so so sorry. This is an incredibly difficult situation and I have no idea what I would do in your situation. You sound like such an amazing, intelligent, brave woman and I really admire the amount of thought and compassion you’ve given to weighing your response to this situation.

Post # 70
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@redheadem agreed

Post # 71
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@redheadem:  

Yes, yes, yes. You’re of sound enough mind by 15 to know what’s right and wrong and the instinct to do something sexual to a baby is a clear no. OP did the right thing. That’s too much to get past.

View original reply
@imageeksowhat:  

Well said.

Post # 72
Member
2536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@imageeksowhat:  I agree with everything you said.

To the OP:  I believe you did the right thing.  I would have never been able to get past that and have children with a man like that.  I don’t think I would keep his secret though.  He was wrong and needs to pay for what he’s done in some way. 

You have been through so much.  It is wonderful that you have found happiness again.

Post # 73
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You did the right thing. I’m sorry that your family doesn’t feel the same way, it’s almost unbelievable that they would prefer you to stay with someone who molested a child. Goodluck with everything, thank you for sharing your story.

Post # 74
Member
2976 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

Please stop trying to protect this man and start protecting the child he had already admitted to molesting, the ones he prob will never admit to and the ones he could molest in the future. Obviously the OP is going through a shit storm (or was as per her new posts she is engaged again).. can anyone imagine what that child, if he remembers and god I hope he doesnt, is going through? Turn him in. Would you be able to live with yourself if he molests again?

Post # 75
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

There are no words to adequately commend you for what you did, and how stong you have been…just, wow. Well done. You are amazing, and sharing your story is beyond commendable. Equally, I can’t find words harsh enough for your family — their behavior is revolting, shocking, horrifying, and makes you even more admirable. Frankly, if I was in your situation, I would probably not want to repair the relationship with them, both because they let you down so terribly (an understatement) and because they are advocates of a pedophile. That in itself is criminal, in my mind.

The only people who deserve sympathy here is you and the victim. I have experience with a child molester, and yes the horrible thing about them is that they are complex people, in whom you can also see good and feel pitty for. But for the safety of other children, I agree with PP’s that he should be reported.

I wish you a very happy future.

Post # 76
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2014 - Outdoor/indoor

When one door closes….

 

I am so sorry for the heartache you experienced with your ex. I can’t imagine the pain you went through. It sounds so cliche but I’m a firm believer that life has a strange and twisted way of working itself out. Because of the devistation your eyes were opened to an opportunity for love with someone right for you. I wish you nothing but happiness in life.

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