Post # 1
We are one month out from the big day and I’m having major second thoughts.
From the get-go I told my boy that this wedding was going to be as gender-equal as it could be. I wasn’t comfortable with being given away, wearing a veil, or even walking down an aisle. I wanted to be there to say hello to everyone when they arrived. We also decided not to have any bridal party as we have friends of both genders who we consider close. Basically, we just wanted a party to celebrate our love with family and friends.
However, with one month to go I feel like the actual act of getting married is contrary to my beliefs. I have so many gay/lesbian friends who arent able to get married, which we both acknowledge isnt fair. One of my friends said when I told her the date of the wedding “Wow youre getting married, so glad you’re doing something I can’t do” which made me feel terrible.
Does anyone else feel similar to this? Would really appreciate some help as I’m feeling terrible and feel like I’m such a sell-out to my beliefs and my friends.. I even saw this coming but was convinced it would be OK but now realise I’m not OK with it.
What should I do????
Post # 2
TBH, your friend’s comment wasn’t fair. You getting married or not is (unfortunately) not going to change whether or not she can.
I am a bg proponant of LGBQT rights, but I don’t understand why you shouldn’t get married because they don’t have that right? There are a million ways to protest that fact (like signing petitions, participating in marches, fundraisers, etc) that could actually make a difference. You not getting married when you want to just means that both you AND your friend aren’t getting something you want. As your friend I’d want to see you be happy, even if it meant having something I wanted and couldn’t have.
Post # 3
Breathe. You are making your wedding (which is traditionally already sexist) your own by reducing the sexist symbols involved. I am doing the same for mine. I understand the sell-out feeling, but rest assured by making it meaningul and taking out some sexist elements, it will feel better for you.
As far as LGBTQ marriage, it is actually now legal in 17 states! I understand you feeling bad about it, but there’s not much you can personally do.
Post # 4
Yeah OP I’m not understanding the dilemma about about LGBTQ rights and how that affects your wedding day or while it would affect your marriage. Like Skittles131 said marriage is legalized is 17 states so if your friends truly want to get married they can trek to any of those states and make it happen but why does that affect you. Also, why did you do away with bridesmaids and groomsmen when both of your friends male/female/trans could easily have stood next to him or you or wherever they feel comfortable. OP you should sincerely think if your ready for marriage because this seems like a non issue that you are making larger than life when its supposed to be about joining in a union.
Post # 5
sara_tiara: +1 Heterosexuals not marrying isn’t going to force anyone’s hand in legalizing gay marriage. I never understood it when celebrity couples would announce that they aren’t getting married until gay marriage is legal. Like anyone cares if they get married or not.
frankietank: OP, if this is really bothering you, have you considered getting legally married in a state that allows gay marriage, then having your wedding you are planning in a month? I’m not sure how practical the logistics of that would be for you, but it might make you feel better.
Post # 6
I totally get where you’re coming from. I have many LGBT friends. In fact, one of my two officiants is gay. I really, really want them to be able to be legally married. However, many of my friends have had religious/cultural ceremonies even if they can’t be legally married. I consider them married and refer to them as such. So in my mind, LGBTs can be married because I think the cultural aspects are more important than the legal aspects. I know that not everyone looks at things that way, but that has been my experience. The social aspect of marriage has been much more signifcant to me than the legal aspect.
Furthermore, I have discussed this with some of my gay/lesbian friends and they have all encouraged me to get married because my not getting married doesn’t help them, it just hurts me.
There are other ways to show support of same sex marriage, that don’t stop your marriage. I would encourage you to volunteer with same sex marriage efforts and perhaps write something into your ceremony about hoping that all people wiill be able to enjoy the benefits of marriage. That’s what I did and I really liked that.
I think it’s awesome that this is an issue which you feel strongly about. But I don’t think sacrifising your marriage is a good political statement.
Post # 7
You can always request that, instead of buying you gifts, your guests donate to a charity that is fighting for equal marriage rights.
Post # 8
My ceremony is going to have a section in it where, after we have a moment of silence for the loved ones who aren’t with us today, we have a moment of silence for the many men and women, including many of those we hold dear to us, who are still denied the right to marry their true loves. Just an idea!
Post # 9
I’m gay, and I don’t hold the attitude of your friend at all. I don’t want people to stop getting married just because I can’t (which is BS, because gay marriage is legal in many states and other countries, including recently the UK, where I’ll be getting married next year). Seriously, love, no matter who between, is a beautiful thing and deserves to be celebrated in whatever way people want to celebrate it. I’m sure your wedding will be amazing!
Post # 10
I would like to add a pause in our wedding before our vows. 30 seconds of silence to reflect on friends and family, and their loved ones too who aren’t yet able to have their unions recognized by many governmental institutions.
My best friend would be furious with me if I put a stop to my wedding just because she couldn’t marry her girlfriend. I have about 20% of my wedding guests who are LGBQ and I am so happy each and every one of them will be in attendance. You can absolutely support the LGBQ community without putting a stop to your wedding.
Post # 11
frankietank: Just get married. Why should you not get married because other people cant?
Some people are unable to have children and infertile, does that mean you wont try to have a child of your own?
If you love the person, and they want to marry you, go ahead and do it.
Now… if your hesitation is with your signifant other SPECIFICALLY, than call it off before it is too late
Post # 12
Cancel your wedding immediately! It’s not only the gay marriage issue to consider, but many others.
People will drive to the wedding, contributing to global warming.
The waitresses and waiters at the wedding may not be unionized or be paid a decent salary.
The money wasted on this wedding could be better spent on saving the tigers.
Why should you have a nice wedding when many can’t AFFORD a wedding.
Cancel your wedding and do not have any more fun at any time until all of the injustices/problems in the world are set straight!
Post # 13
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Hun it’s ok, you can’t solve all the problems in the world and you still deserve to have a happy wedding day. Some if our best friends are gay and they were absolutely thrilled to contribute to and attend our wedding. What your friend said isnt fair and doesn’t reflect the majority opinion of the LGBTQ community.
Marriage is coming for them too. In the meantime, let’s face it, life isn’t fair. There are billions of people in the world – and millions in this own country – who can’t afford clean water or medicine, let alone a wedding. That doesn’t mean you should cancel everything.
I do like PP’s suggestion of using a charity as a gift option. Or just commit to yourself that you’ll donate 25% or whatever of monetary wedding gifts to LGBTQ nonprofits.
Post # 14
frankietank: The reason we fight for marriage equality is because marriage is a very important civil right. It comes with more than 1000 federal rights (1,138 for those who are counting) and significant social and cultural recognition. It’s ok to want to get married. It makes sense.
It is unjust that same sex couples are denied marriage, and we must change that. However, I believe that hetero couples boycotting marriage almost hurts the cause because it undermines the importance of marriage. Getting married says, “Yes, we recognize that this is an important right and that’s why we are doing it!” There are many ways to support change, including volunteering, donating, or just voting for marriage equality.
Think about it this way – there are still people in the U.S. who are unjustly denied the right to vote (through both legal and illegal means). But we would never say “I’m not going to vote because there are people who can’t vote.” It wouldn’t help.