Post # 1
Hi, all. It has been 3 weeks since the wedding. Since then, my husband has become more controlling (started during our honeymoon). It totally came out of left field. He shushes me or says “shut up shut up shut up” quietly but decisively when watching a game or when watching something on netflix. He speaks on my behalf if someone is asking me a question. All of the sudden he wants to know where I am and who I’m with all the time. Also, he demands sex all the time. He does it sweetly, but I’m not in the mood as often as I used to be because that controlling behavior is a huge turn off for me. When I tell him I’m really not in the mood he pressures me into it until I just give in rather than continuing to argue about it. I end up just laying there in silence while he gets off. The last time this happened and I said I wasn’t in the mood, he got so angry he lifted his hand as if to hit me but then just dropped his arm. He’s never hit me, nor has he ever gotten into a physical fight with anyone in his entire life, so I don’t believe he would’ve actually hit me, but a part of me is not sure. Meanwhile, when I brought it up the next morning he said he was drunk and doesn’t remember lifting his hand at me, but would never even consider hitting me or anyone else for that matter.
Plus, we’ve just grown distant over the past 3 weeks. He sleeps in really late (like until 2pm) when he’s not working and we haven’t done any of the things we said we were going to do on his days off. Little things like day trips, going out to eat, seeing movies. All he wants to do is whatever errands he needs to get done, then hang out at home while he watches sports (which I really dislike watching but sit through for him) and has a beer or two, then eat dinner at our apartment, then have sex, then watch more sports, then go to sleep. I know walking around the mall for the sake of getting out of the house, or going on a drive to the beach for a few hours, stuff like that isn’t a big deal. But I feel like we’re in this holding pattern that is just not me – I like to get out and do stuff, and he knew that about me when we got married. It also feels like a broken promise. Like he promised me a lifestyle he isn’t delivering on.
I’m starting to really resent my life and it’s only 3 weeks in. Our apartment doesn’t feel like home. My parents live about 10 minutes from us, and all I want to do is spend as much time there as possible when I’m not at work.
I’m wondering if this is just a part of the adjustment period. I mean, we haven’t even gotten our wedding pictures yet. Everyone says it takes time to get comfortable in your new roles, but I’m just miserable and it doesn’t feel right.
I don’t know what to do. Or even if there is anything to do. I’m just here, floating along, hoping things get better soon.
Post # 2
I am so sorry, this sounds really unsettling. How long have you known eachother/been together? Did all of this start after the wedding, including the sleeping in late? Do you know whether he has a past history of depression? Have you spoken with him?
The way he is treating you is definitely not okay, but it sounds like he may be going through something. I really do not like to assume things, so maybe you should talk to him calmly, when he has not been drinking, and say something like, “I have noticed you seem a little distant since the wedding, what’s on your mind?” and maybe “Is something worrying you since the wedding?” If he says no and asks why you are asking, you can point out the behavior you observed in a non-accusatory manner, such as “lately you have been sleeping in longer than usual, and have not seemed interested in doing things we talked about, such as going to to the beach, etc. I care about you, and just want to get through whatever is going on together.”
I am totally uncomfortable with the pressure he is putting on you for sex and him scaring you, but I really don’t know him like you do so I am going to give him the benefit of the doubt. However, if this escalates even a little bit (threatening, continued pressure to have sex, degrading you, stonewalling, blaming you, deflecting, gaslighting, playing the victim, hostility, etc.) I would maybe speak to a licensed therapist individually and see what advice she might have.
I am so sorry you are going through this and I am hoping things get better.
Post # 3
bluejeans22 : Bee!! Hugs to you. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. The combination of being in a rut but also feeling controlled/pressured for sex is awful. I’m a straight shooter and am big into critical conversations. I’d tell Darling Husband “hey I feel like we haven’t been connecting in meaningful ways since our wedding. This makes me less interested in sex. Let’s be more deliberate about spending quality time together” then I’d plan some days to do things. Like a museum or a new restaurant. Or a brewery. Or a night to cook together.
This is all being said with a grain of salt with regards to the severity of the controlling behavior he’s exhibiting.
Post # 4
Leave. Now. Before he escalates, and he will.
The raised arm was a warning, meant to intimidate you. Deep down, you know it. Don’t buy the “drunk” crap. Alcohol does not change people. It just takes the brakes off.
In your post, you offered up several pieces of what you believe is evidence that your husband will never hit you. You’re trying to convince yourself, Bee.
The reason this feels like it’s ‘out of the blue’ is because he now feels like he finally has you locked down and can let the mask slip.
A lot of well intentioned, but misguided Bees will tell you to try couples counseling. <em style=”font-weight: bold;”>Do not do couples counseling with your husband! It is not safe. You will be exposing more of your vulnerability to him, which he will exploit, and he will likely punish you at home for what you reveal in session.
Counseling for yourself would be a good idea, to help you get through this. Be sure to look for a therapist who is qualified to treat abuse survivors.
There is no fixing this, Bee. You have to get out.
Hefe is the DV Hotline, they have lots of information on their site.
Home – The Hotline
Post # 5
bluejeans22 : these behaviors rarely “come out of left field”. be honest with yourself – likely there weere signss all along that you ignored. did you live together before marriage? either way, sounds like you need to get out, now.
Post # 6
Please please please watch out for yourself, your future and well being and leave.
I was in the exact same situation after my first marriage in 2014. We were married in August, and it’s as though a light had switched, and things that had never shown through before marriage became evident. He was very controlling to the point where if I wasn’t home at 5:15 (shift ends at 5, and 15 minute commute), he would be calling me and making me snapchat him as to where I was and what I was doing. He also trakced my cycles, as he wanted to have a kid ASAP, and I was only 21 so I wanted to wait.
I asked for a divorce in December and he went off the wall! Like throwing stuff across the house, outrageous temper, threatening to kill both me and our dog. I slept and moved all my stuff to a locked room for a few days. I then moved all my stuff out in a few hours, when I knew he would he out with his family at his birthday dinner. He got a lawyer since he wanted our house, but other than that it was cut and dry after I moved out.
Post # 7
Sorry, but the controlling behavior, forcing sex, raising his hand are all serious red flags. There is no repairing a relationship with someone like that. I think you need to go back to your parents’ house and get a divorce.
Post # 8
catskillsinjune : Wow, way to blame the victim.
Post # 9
bluejeans22 : you need to gtfo of there immediately. no one raises their hand in gesture to strike someone without first having the impulse to actually physically assault that person.
that was your warning. next, it’ll be a black eye. maybe not today, tomorrow, or even next month—but it is coming. get out while you can.
also, stop giving in to sex. if you’re afraid that he’ll rape you after saying no and standing your ground, then that’s just another added layer of needing to gtfo immediately.
Post # 10
almostmrsbee : you think? I didn’t read that as a victim blame…I read it as perhaps OP should do some reflecting to see if she can think of anything in the past that may have seemed subtly abusive that she simply overlooked due to her rose colored glasses. I do agree that these characteristics rarely just show up out of nowhere…if anything, hopefully her reflection will give her the push she needs to leave before things get *really* bad. They’re married so he now has reason to believe that he’s got her trapped and can do whatever he wants because she’s legally anchored to him.
Post # 11
almostmrsbee : uh, i wasn’t blaming OP at all. i told her she needs to get out. i was just saying that these traits don’t just come out of nowhere..which is WHY she needs to get out – because this isn’t a sudden change, it’s something that has always been there and she needs to recognize this. recognizing that this has ALWAYS been the case is incredibly helpful in realizing that it’s not OP’s fault in anyway and that there’s nothing she did/can do to change him. it’s helpful in accepting that this is a really unhealthy relationship.
Post # 12
What a great guy.
Stop having sex before you get pregnant and tied to this schmuck forever. Go back to your parent’s house before he hurts you. Get an annulment.
Don’t get married again until you really know the person you are marrying. It is crystal clear that in this case you did not. And this isn’t victim blaming, this is called truth.
Post # 13
divorce him literally now.
Post # 14
Annulment or divorce are your only healthy options. Get out of there. End it!
He’s not going to change for the better, so don’t wait to see if he will. Get out as soon as you can.
Post # 15
Bee, I’m really worried about your safety.
I know everyone’s situation is different and I don’t know all the details. But I had flashbacks of my past relationship which was extremely abusive, while reading this.
My abuser was controlling me too. It’s likely he’s doing more than just telling you to shut up and asking where you have been. He’s probably stalking you on social media and looking through your phone too. Make sure you change your passwords on all your stuff. And I would talk to someone who loves you and trusts you, like your parents because you need someone to feel safe right now.
When I was in my situation, I felt trapped. He gaslit me and I didn’t have anyone to turn to because he isolated me from the world and whenever we were in public he acted like a perfect gentleman it was like Dr Jekyl and Mr. Hyde.
And I agree with others that the alcohol is just an excuse. My ex used to sleep in until 2 because he was a drunk drug addict who didnt want to get help. I would wake up and tip toe out of our room so I could have an hour of peace. He would yell, ‘where are you?’ when i was in my kitchen getting coffee in the home we lived in together.
Please get help now it will only get worse. Please talk to your parents who love you especially if they’re only ten minutes away.
I’d also like to add that my ex used to assault me too, regularly. If you say no, even if he manipulates you into saying yes to sex, you know it’s not right, it’s assault.
Good luck Bee I hope you figure this out!