One month into marriage – serious regrets

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
755 posts
Busy bee

This reminds me very much of a relationship that I was in for a few months towards the end of last year/beginning of this year that I have written about on here before.

The controlling behaviour started off playfully and sweetly, but if I’m honest, I never liked it or felt comfortable with it. It was little things – everything from refusing to give me the TV remote, to insisting on always having what he wanted for dinner, to always needing to know better about every topic and never apologising. 

It escalated to him yelling in my face for any sign of perceived disrespect, abandoning me in a deserted campsite in the middle of the night with no way to get home and finally throwing a mug of hot chocolate in my face (I have not spoken to him since that last incident – I got out and blocked him immediately).

What it taught me is that any controlling behaviour is really not ok. Controlling people do not tolerate dissent or difference of opinion – hence him trying to force you to have sex and essentially making you live the life that he wants. I’m no expert, but my personal experience of controlling people is that they do not get better, and you can’t downplay the importance of what he is doing.

My personal advice is to leave.

Post # 17
Member
10845 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

catskillsinjune :  

Not true at all.  These behaviors can indeed come out of left field.  Abusers are manipulators by nature.  Plenty of smart, savvy  women have been taken in.  They often stay on their best behavior until they feel confident that they have their victims locked down.  For some, that means moving in, for others, getting engaged.  In OP’s case, her abuser didn’t drop the mask until the honeymoon.  This is not at all unusual.

Let’s make sure we’re not blaming the victim here.

Post # 18
Member
6224 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Absolutely not. Divorce. Now.

This is only three weeks in. He’s already too comfortable.

Post # 19
Member
32 posts
Newbee

LEAVE HIM NOW.

Let me just say the “adustment period” saying is crap. Total crap.

Did you two live together before you got married? How long were you together before you got married?

I was in a similar situation with my first marriage. 

After my ex and I got back from our honeymoon everything changed. He was awful to me, we fought all the time, he threw things at me. It was nasty. I would cry every single day and drive home from work with dred and exhaustion. We did our seperate things, he played video games and I watched Netflix. I cooked dinner but we ate at different times. He didn’t lift a finger around the house and I did all the work. The list goes on. 

I would think every day this is NOT how newlyweds are to be but everyone says the first year of marriage is so hard. 

Let me tell you…unless you never lived together beforehand to learn one another’s habits IT SHOULD NOT BE HARD! 

If you truly love that person, are committed, and look out for their very best interest then it should not be hard. If you love someone you never want them to hurt or be sad. You should take their feelings in account with EVERY SINGLE THING that you do. 

If you love someone you don’t tell them to shut up, you don’t raise a hand to them, and you DO NOT pressure them to have sex. END OF STORY.

My ex and I were not even married a year when we filed for divorce. It sucked, it was embarrassing, I was ashamed and felt like I failed, I cried my eyeballs out on many occasions. It was exhausting selling our home, dividing our things. But it was the best deicsion I have ever made in my entire life.

I am now married to the most amazing man. That made me realize that what I thought was uncondiational, marriage material, forever type of love…was NOT. 

Bee, love is so tricky. It makes you do things and put up with things that you shouldn’t. Even if it is really isn’t true love, the thought of it can make you do some crazy things.

Leave him. Now. Go live your life, love yourself, find someone that will treat you like the amazing individual that you are. That will listen to you talk about whatever it is you want to talk about while he is watching sports because he wants to hear everything that comes out of your mouth because he loves you dearly and wouldn’t think of telling you to ‘shut up’.

Coming from someone that THOUGHT she knew what love was, made excuses for the person she married, made excuses for herself and why she was so unhappy and withdrawn…it is not worth another second. And one day you will find someone that will show you what real love is. I sure did and it makes me think back to those times and wonder how I even lasted as long as I did.

Good luck, Bee! Know your worth! 

Post # 20
Member
733 posts
Busy bee

I am so sorry, Bee. I’ve never been in a similar situation so I am not here to give advice, just support. I was married earlier this month, too, and I can’t even imagine what I would do if my husband’s behavior suddenly changed after the wedding. I would be devastated, as I’m sure you are. Hang in there and take care of yourself. xo

Post # 21
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  geez no one is blaming her!!!!! They are perhaps just suggesting maybe she didn’t notice it before because for example she was excited about the wedding and wedding planning so she didn’t notice his behavior. I too think it’s more unusual for there to be no signs at all, but does it happen? I’m sure it does. No one is telling her “lady you’re stupid to not have seen it, now you’re stuck with him” 

Post # 22
Member
11617 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

most people do not realize this, but abusers do actually change quite often right after marriage or having a baby- any event that makes them feel safe enough to let out their real self.

so while I’m sure PP wasn’t trying to blame the victim, victims do not see this side of an abuser until it’s too late by design.

The actual signs of an abuser are pushing for a quick commitment, fairytale romance, lots of gifts, and other ways of hard selling their prey. Then after they have hooked this person on the drug of romance and love, they start taking it away and replacing it with demands and need for control. 

 

Post # 23
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

sassy411 :  for the second time now, i was in no way blaming OP. Please stop putting words in my mouth. 

Post # 24
Member
891 posts
Busy bee

My ex husband was a little quirky while we were dating, but things became much, much worse after marriage.  It turned from quirky but mostly endearing to controlling… and there was nothing cute about it.  It’s almost like I became a possession of his.  It was disturbing and scary.  

I can tell you right now… this is not an adjustment period.  This is a new way of being.  If you don’t like it, get out.  It’s not going to get better, only worse. 

Post # 25
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee

I hope you keep us updated on this!!

definitely going along with what others have said, RUN!!

that marriage sounds awful & no one should be in that situation 

Post # 26
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

sassy411 :  THIS. 

I worked in a women’s DV shelter and we saw this a lot. Sure, there’s a lot of warning signs for abuse. Jealousy is often an early warning sign of abuse, but it doesn’t always automatically mean it will escalate to abuse. Some women don’t know warning signs of potential abuse or they figure it’s “just who he is”.

We had an old pamphlet about abuse that we used to read from and it described abuse like this: If you put a frog into a pot of boiling water, it will try to jump out immediately. If you put a frog in a pot of room temp water and gradually increase the temp slowly, the frog will get more used and accustomed to the rising temperature, get comfortable, and stay in the boiling hot water until it’s too late. Obviously that’s very simplified and doesn’t acknowledge all of the factors involved with actual human anusive relationships, but it brings up a good point. Abusers know if they act abusive immediately, no one will stay with them. 

Post # 28
Member
11617 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

bluejeans22 :  you are not a,one with experiencing the Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde thing, that is very common with abusers. Please don’t blame yourself. He is at fault as these are his actions.

Post # 29
Member
10845 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

bluejeans22 :  

This is not in any way on you, Bee.  Abusers learn to become master manipulators.  If they weren’t, they would have no victims.  Your abuser’s pattern is quite typical of the species.  Don’t let anyone try to convince you that you have some accountability for his abuse.  Some people just have no idea what they’re talking about, others have their own agendas.

Had you lived together, he would have maintained his act longer, that’s all.  Every abuser has a different point at which they feel “safe” to reveal themselves, confident that the victim won’t flee.  For some, it’s the first sexual encounter, or moving in together, getting engaged, or married.  Pregnancy is another extremely high risk time for victims.

Unfortunately, abuse is not rare among doctors.  The nature of their profession can generate some pretty powerful entitlement issues in some.

I will again advise you to get out.  There is no hope of salvaging this.  It only gets worse from here.  Fortunately, you likely have the resources to be able to extricate yourself.

Post # 30
Member
872 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

Have you told him how his behavior makes you feel and how it affects your desire to be intimate?  His behavior is 100% unacceptable but I do wonder if his work schedule is making him oblivious to it.  I agree that it could be a sign of worse things to come but I would sit him down if you haven’t already (at a time where you’re not in the heat of the behavior) and explain to him how this behavior comes as a surprise, how you feel and that you want to get to the bottom of what’s going on.  I wonder if there is something in this lifestyle change that is manifesting in a bad way.

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