One month into marriage – serious regrets

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
2294 posts
Buzzing bee

bluejeans22 :  how old are you, bee? I’m assuming since you’re a lawyer you have the financial means to leave him. It has been 3 weeks so finances should not be too deeply intertwined yet…just pack your shit and go. If he’s acting like this 3 weeks in, how will things be 5, 10, 20 years from now?

 

Worse. They will be worse. And things sound pretty bad already, actually. Please, please be 127% careful NOT to get pregnant by him while you’re preparing to leave. And do not give him any indication that you are leaving. Things will escalate so much if you do. 

Post # 32
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I’m so sorry. If it were me I’d take a few days to myself, maybe plan a girls weekend with some women you feel safe talking to and really decide what your next move is. I understand why you may be hesitant to leave and not give it a chance – you haven’t even gotten your wedding photos! I’d enroll in therapy for yourself as soon as possible. A therapist will help decipher exactly what the behaviors mean and will give you more insight. Hang in there and make sure you stay safe and don’t be intimate with them anymore. 

Post # 33
Member
4788 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

What stuck out to me the most from your post was when he lifted his hand as if to strike you but then dropped his arm. Please be careful, and don’t take warning signs lightly. 

Post # 34
Member
4036 posts
Honey bee

bluejeans22 :  I stand by everything I said, particularly after your hypersensitive response and a reread of your initial post. In your first post I see you minimizing his current behavior, I have zero doubt you missed warning signs. Instead of getting your hackles up at me, go back and look at things with a more critical eye. Quite frankly it bothers me when posters are accused of victim blaming if they dare suggest the OP look critically at the things that led up to the current situation.

Just get out of your situation now. Get an annulment. That was my advice.

And I don’t care if you’re a lawyer or your husband is the president of the USA – coincidentally also a scumbag. You’re still responsible for your own safety, no one is going to do it for you. Do you get that?

You don’t have to be the frog in the boiling pot, this time or the next. You can choose to see the warning signs and leave. Hint 1: pressuring for sex is never, ever cute. 

 

Post # 35
Member
15 posts
Newbee

bluejeans22 :  his behaviour is the beginning of the rest of your life if you don’t get out NOW. He will not change back into a nice guy. Trust me. I know. 

Post # 36
Member
953 posts
Busy bee

bluejeans22 :  Seems to be a pretty strong consensus that you need to get out of this situation. 

I agree with sassy411 :  there are some doctors who seem particualrly prone to being abusers. They usually excersise control in their own life and it expands into controling other. And if they deal with a particualrly life-or-death type of medicine, some doctors can develop a God complex. 

All abusers are master manipulators. Maybe you missed signs, or maybe he hid his behavior really well. It doesn’t change that you are now in a situation you need to get out of. Trying to pressure you into sex and also excusing threatening behavor by saying he was “drunk” – these are both attempts to gaslight you, make you look/feel like you’re crazy and he’s the normal one. This is abuse 101. You are NOT overreacting, he’s just ttrying to convince you that you are. 

The good news is your family is close by – you have a support system!! Use it! You need to confide all of this in your family and make an exit strategy. This isn’t behavior you can work through. Leaving is your only option. I hope you get safe soon! 

Post # 37
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

bluejeans22 :  Good luck.  I agree with all of the PPs about getting out now before things escalate. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you after being with him for 4 years.

This totally does NOT excuse his behaviour, but is he depressed or something?  I’m an MD and although I don’t work a week on and a week off (sometimes, I’m on call for a week straight and end up working 2 weeks in a row without a day off), you get pretty used to be being sleep deprived during residency.  I don’t know ANYONE in my professional circle who would sleep until 2pm unless it was your first post-call day and you’ve been up all night the night before or say his first day off after working for a week.  Is he an alcoholic and drinking more than it seems? Is he often coming to bed drunk?  If he has a substance abuse problem, that is a huge issue for his career.  I wouldn’t report it yourself for fear of retaliation, but it should be reported to his regulatory body.  If he is depressed, most regulatory bodies have a confidential support system he can access to get help.

Post # 38
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

bluejeans22 :  I’m glad you are centered in “this is coming from HIS side of the street.” You are in a vulnerable situation and did a very brave thing by reaching out for support here. Look at the VAST majority of posts from people who are expressing concern and care for you, as well as telling you not to blame yourself. You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong here. I am thinking about you today and wondering how you are doing and if you feel safe?

Post # 41
Member
24 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2019

I am glad your safe. Stay strong and stay away. Go through with ending the marriage. He will hit you if you go back to him. Thats a promise from someone who has been there. Pressuring you into sex when you don’t want to is abusive (been there too).

There are good men who would never even raise their voice to you. They will always respect you. They will never pressure you into anything you don’t want to do whether it is cleaning the bathroom or sex.

You deserve better. You deserve respect. Don’t forget that.

Post # 42
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse

Honestly your husband sounds like a nightmare. By your post I can only imagine this situation will stay the same or get worse. 

You said you have an apartment. Did you live together before you got married? Has he always slept in and been lazy around the house? Has he always drank like that and claim to not remember things? None of these things are okay and you cannot just ignore them. These are not normal newlywed behaviors. Especially if you lived together before marriage, things honestly shouldn’t have changed much. Especially his attitude. 

I’m so sorry Bee you shouldn’t have to deal with any of that 🙁 I sincerly hope you have somewhere safe to go in case things take a turn for the worse and I’m glad your parents are so close. 

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