(Closed) One month until the wedding….and a bombshell

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
723 posts
Busy bee

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coopersmama :  I wonder if I will feel the joy that I imagine to feel when we are pregnant with our first child, because…. it’s not his first child. I wonder if I can recite my vows to him, or look him in the eye during our first dance and not let my mind wander to this woman and child I’ve never met. 

I get that this is a crazy situation and your mind is all over the place but in my opinion you need to take a step back.  

The issue here is that he didn’t tell you right away, but I can totally see why, however your post makes it seem like you’d feel the same whether he told you straight away or not. 

You can’t blame him for this child existing when he had no idea. I really don’t see how that would change your vows to him?  Assuming you knew he had relationships and sex before you I don’t see why you would not be able to look him in the eye over this?

I really think you should be supporting him through this right now, HE is the one who just found out he has a secret child.  If you don’t think you can do that then by all means consider calling it off

Post # 3
Member
834 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2017 - historical mansion

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coopersmama :  Wow! I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I have no idea what I would do in your situation. I am glad that there was no cheating involved. Is there any way for him to prove that he only found out two months ago? With a bombshell like this in the middle of wedding planning, I can understand him trying to wait for a good time. If he has know for longer and lied about the timeframe, that would make it worse, obviously. Good luck. 

Post # 4
Member
334 posts
Helper bee

Wow. that is a huge shock. It was very unfair of the mother of his child to not inform him.

I don’t know what i would do in your situation.

 Obviously nothing has changed about who he is as a person – but if he intends to be a father to this child, that would change things. Being a stepmother is its own thing and by no means is everyone meant to do it.

Post # 5
Member
5046 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I know it’s all new right now, but I truly do not think you need to look at him differently or worry that he won’t take joy in the birth of your own children. Honestly, that’s ridiculous. Why would your feelings for him change? Stuff is going to happen and you know, “for better, for worse” and all. It’s not like he cheated on you.

Post # 6
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee

Wow, that is a lot! But I look at it this way: he didn’t cheat, he didn’t know (until recently), and he told you. Imagine if you got married and he told you afterwards? You would feel even more lied to. 

As far as what to do, I think that you two should decide together what role (if any) he wants to play in the child’s life. The mother is in the wrong here because he should have been told 5 years ago. She’s robbed the child of the ability to bond with their bio dad during their most formative years. 

As for you emotionally – I understand the shock but with time you can accept that he has a child as I’m sure he’s been in the process of accepting it too. I do think he should have said something months ago instead of right before the wedding but I don’t know what his thought process was. I’d definitely consider premarital counseling to help deal with this. 

Best of luck! 

 

Post # 7
Member
2363 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

If they live out of the country I assume it will be very hard for him to see her? Does he want to be a part of her life?

Also, If he does want to be a part of her life I would recommend getting a paternity test to confirm that he is the father. 

Post # 8
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

I wonder if I will feel the joy that I imagine to feel when we are pregnant with our first child, because…. it’s not his first child.

No, but it’s the first time that he will have his wife tell him that she’s pregnant.  The first time he will go to ultrasounds and see his child in utero.  The first time that he will support his wife through labor.  The first time that he will hold his minutes old newborn.  You can’t compare being told that you have a five year old to that. I understand that this is a bombshell for you, but it’s got to be even more of a bombshell for him, and he’s going to need a lot of support to get through this.  It seems to me that you’re blaming him for this – and I get that him not telling you straight away is an issue – but it’s not his fault.  It can’t be his fault that this happened, because he had no idea that he had a daughter until recently.  If you want to blame someone, blame the child’s mother.  Don’t blame the child, because it’s really not her fault.  Honestly, I think a good couples counsellor is probably the best way to go right now – they will help you both sort out your thoughts and feelings on the subject.  Also, I would encourage your Fiance to not tell anyone else in the meantime, until he’s got it a bit more straightened out in his head.

 

Post # 9
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

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coopersmama :  I can’t imagine the shock you’re both in

Why did the mum decide to tell him now? Has she explained that part? I don’t understand waiting five years…

I know it’s easy for us to say but your fiancé isn’t guilty in this. He’s still the affectionate sweetheart you said yes to. So I wouldn’t worry about vows and first dances at the moment. I feel like that’s stuff isn’t linked to this news, however shocking it is. 

Have you got someone you can confide in about all this?

Post # 10
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

I can almost see your Fiance as being relatively innocent of all this, and I’d hold the child’s mother responsible for the mayhem in your life.

A thought from fiction- Jane Eyre. 

Now back to the present. He needs to be in touch with a lawyer, so that his rights and obligations are CRYSTAL CLEAR.

THEN, why did the mother reveal this now, as opposed to 2 years ago or one year ago or five years ago? 

I don’t think you should necessarily feel compelled to look at your fiancé the “same way” again, but from his grief and confusion you may be able to ultimately see someone even more deep and earnest than you had previously thought.

I’m sure you realize already that this DOES happen, probably more often than anyone knows (or should know). I’m big into discretion and privacy- you and he can share this, if you BOTH wish, without needing to have anyone else involved at all, perhaps except for a counselor, if you can find one quickly who comes with outstanding credentials and recommendations.

I think it’s both touching and encouraging that you still regard him as a “good” and “GREAT” man.

People make terrible, painful mistakes, and subsequently love, and are loved by good people. Listen to him, let him vent, be patient and request his patience. Make your decisions for the futures of all concerned as a couple. 

With Blessings and Hopes……….

Post # 11
Member
625 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I know you’re in a tough spot emotionally right now, but try to be as rational as possible. Try to remember that he’s having just as hard a time (probably harder) as you are. And really, of course he will feel overwhelming love for the children he has with you. Bringing a child into the world together is a joy that can’t really be diminished, and you get to be part of that process together.

His relationship with this other woman apparently wasn’t even serious enough to warrant so much as a phone call 5 years ago. At least, if anything, you can rest easy knowing that this isn’t a situation where he has any mandatory obligations to this child. But, it does make me wonder why this woman chose to contact him only a couple months ago when the situation is 5 years old. 

Of course, you will need to discuss his plans for this little girl. Is he going to be in her life or not? Personally, after this amount of time and with her living in another country, and both parents having moved on with their lives so to speak, I’d let it lie. 

I don’t think you need to look at him any differently, just support him, and you can get through this together. For better or for worse, right?

Post # 12
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

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coopersmama :  You are marrying a good man.  He did the right thing by telling you about this.  Likewise, the delay is also justified because it must have been a big shock for him as well.

This is upsetting, but your husband is basically a sperm donor, not the father to this child.  She lives in another country with a man who is raising her (i.e. her “real” father).  I’m not sure why her mother decided to tell your fiancé about this now and I would be wary of her intentions.  Maybe it’s as simple as wanting a greencard or US citizenship for the child?  

Please do not let this interfere with your happiness.  When you are pregnant, it will be your fiancé’ first pregnancy and child.  Whatever relationship he has with his biological daughter, it is not one of a parent and child.  Maybe she will be interested in pursuing a deeper relationship with her biological father one day, but at the moment she probably doesn’t even know.  

Go on with your plans and let this slide. Personally, I think your fiancé would do a major injustice to disrupt this little girl’s life.  I think her mom should tell her that she has a real daddy in her life and a biologically daddy in another country that she can meet whenever she’s ready. None of this will have a huge impact  on your marriage.  At worst/best, she’ll visit a couple of times.

You fiancé isn’t the first “childless” man to have a kid.  He did the right thing about telling you.  I suggest you both get some professional counseling to help you through this shock.

Post # 13
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Oh wow, bee! I totally understand this being a hard one! And I totally would feel the same way you are.

FWIW, this was before you and he didn’t know about it until recently. Granted he didn’t tell you straight away but this is a huge game changer, and he would have needed time to sort through it himself. This doesn’t change the man he is. Yes, he now has a daughter but he is still the guy you fell in love with. I think this is something you will bot definitely need to go to counselling for if you wish to work it out.

On the other hand, you may not want to continue this relationship. Which is okay too – plenty of people refuse to date those with children already. It’s a hard situation to be in because he might like custody in the future – could you handle being a step mum? And she might want child support which would have an impact on your finances too.

If you do choose to stay and have children with your fiancé keep in mind that it will still be a new experience for him, and it will be special for the both of you because it’s between the two of you for the first time together. 

*hugs* I’m so sorry. This must be so difficult.

Post # 14
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

My first thoughts were “that poor guy!”.  Sorry, you totally have a right to feel blindsided.  However, consider how much more shocking and scary this news is for him!  NOT nice of the mother!  2 months is a bit long to hold onto a secret like that but you are in the middle of planning and holy cow what a bomb to have to drop.

Im pretty sure your first baby will still be extremely special.  I mean, people have more than one child and they love them all the same. 

A counselor might be a good idea but I personally would NOT end a relationship with a great guy simply because he was lied to.  It certainly does change things a little bit, but it really doesn’t mean anything negative about his character.

Post # 15
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Your partner went from being childless to having a five year old over a conversation with an old fling. I can I lay imagine how shocked he is. I get that you’re shocked and it’s a huge thing for you to deal with but this is massive for him. Obviously it would have been better if he could have told you sooner but I imagine he was slightly shell shocked. I’m not sure it would have been kept from out of wanting to inflict pain to you, rather the opposite. It doesn’t mean he gets a free pass. You can be shocked and scared and pissed he didn’t tell you but work with him to talk about how you’ll share big information in the future (good and bad).

However, this is a child that shares his DNA. He might want to be involved in her life but the mother is married and lives in another country. The child will more than likely look to the mother’s husband as her father, making your partner rather unfairly like an additional dad if he chooses to be in her life. It will not be the same as when you have kids. It will not be the same as watching his wife deliver his child, take the child home and actually get to spend everyday with them. His first child will be with you because the mother made the decision not to involve him at all. That relationship doesn’t magically make it to best father/daughter status when he can’t be involved in the first five years.

Take some time to get your breath back. Talk to him and see if he wants to be part of her life. If he doesn’t, he shouldn’t feel guilty, it’ll be hard to for him to suddenly step in as dad. The mother made that choice and he had no say in it. The decision up until now wasn’t his to make. You can’t feel guilty for things outside of your control. If he does want to be part of her life, support him. It’s going to be hard but it will not take away from the bonds he will create with your children.

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