(Closed) One month until the wedding….and a bombshell

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
281 posts
Helper bee

I think you are just in shock right now,  and that’s understandable.   But in due time you’ll see that your Fiance is still the same guy, and he’s done nothing wrong.   He’s as much in shock as you are.  Take some time to process your thoughts and then you need to have a talk with him about what his next steps are.   Btw this same thing happened to a cousin of mine,  except his daughter was ten when he found out about her.   He chose to be in her life from that point on (I’m not saying that’s the correct or incorrect thing to do), and she’s now in her mid twenties. It was hard for both of them and their relationship was pretty strained for awhile,  but they get along great now.  No matter what your Fiance chooses to do is going to be hard.   Support him in his decision.   And love him regardless. 

Post # 47
Member
1936 posts
Buzzing bee

Bee, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you both! Let it be an obstacle that you navigate around together, and allows you to grow stronger as a couple. 

You need to be making two appointments: lawyer, and therapist. He needs to know what his rights are (should he decide he wants them) and what he is on the hook for. I know she said she doesn’t want anything but I don’t trust someone who holds onto this secret for FIVE YEARS then let’s it out a month before your wedding. She sounds like a snake, and I’m concerned she might turn nasty if she realises she hasn’t broken you up. 

A therapist will let you vent and ‘think out loud’ while you try and come to terms with this. I hesitated on going to therapy for so many years but when I did go, I loved it. It feels SO good to talk openly with someone with no consequences and no judgement. 

You said you dont don’t know if you can see him the same way. I think I get what you mean, but maybe try and think of him as a man who was honest with you about a major roadbump in his life. He could have kept it a secret, but he is obviously so much better than that. 

When you have a child it WILL be his first. Not the first child he has fathered, but the first time he has gone through a pregnancy, L&D, raising a baby, etc. 

You can do this. One day at a time. Lean on each other. Talk. 

Post # 48
Member
915 posts
Busy bee

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weddingmaven :  Or maybe the 5 year old has started asking questions about her daddy and the Mother thought it was time to finally reach out since her daughter was actively asking. 

As far as not telling Immediately…. maybe he was trying to determine what to do. Trying to decide if he wanted to take an active role, do a paternity test to verify it is actually his daughter, and now that he’s gotten the facts, felt it was the right time to tell the OP.  Not everything has to have an ulterior motive. 

Post # 49
Member
13780 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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Shoot4theMoon :  You’re right, that not everything is an ulterior motive. The timing could be coincidental. But I don’t think it’s about paternity tests.  FI said he tried to tell OP many times since March but got scared. You may be right that he was struggling with whether or not to take an active role or tell OP at all. It’s a tough situation, no question, but under the circumstances, OP had the right to know ASAP. A month is no time at all. Now that invitations have gone out, Fiance  has kind of backed her into a corner. 

 

Post # 50
Member
22 posts
Newbee

I can definitely imagine your shock! It’s a lot to take in! 

I don’t think this news downplays his love for you. I think you should acknowledge his honesty in the timeline of events. I can tell you noticed how difficult it was for him to share the news with you,  but he did it in an appropriate manner which speaks volumes to how much he cares for you. 

As someone with a child from a previous relationship, I realize some people simply aren’t interested in being serious with another person who already has a child. And it’s easier to go separate ways from the start. 

I would slow down and take a few deep breaths. I strongly suggest going to couples therapy to work through this. It’s the best place to feel safe enough to speak freely to each other with the counselor having the ability to rephrase something if it doesn’t come out the perfect way.. we all have those moments of ‘that’s not what I meant’ in stressful discussions where both people are extra sensitive to their emotions. 

i don’t think any decisions about your future should be made too quickly. I would recommend not sharing with family or friends, their opinions don’t affect the relationship between you and your fiancé. 

I would also think long term. If you feel he is the one for you.. which you felt that way prior to this news. Then, should you end things, five years down the road when you can’t seem to find ‘the one’ and people ask what happened between you and your fiancé, how will you feel when you say ‘he found out a few months before our wedding that he has a five year old daughter he knew nothing about and in that moment of emotion I felt like I couldn’t look at him the same’… 

 

 

In regards to your upcoming trip… maybe tell a few close friends/family that you’re wanting to get away from the stresses of wedding planning and don’t want any wedding talk happening… people would totally understand the stress and you wouldn’t have to admit the relationship problems. 

 

My heart hurts for you! I know this isn’t an easy place to be in, mentally or emotionally. 

Post # 51
Member
310 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

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coopersmama :  Oh honey. I agree… what a bombshell and something to take in at any stage in a relationship, let alone right before you marry someone. I feel for you, the shock, the confusion, and the hurt of what’s going on.

Mistakes happen. He didn’t cheat on you. That is a huge relief. Our advice would no doubt be different if that were the case. Also, he didn’t hide it from you. He felt it was appropriate to tell you, the woman he loves and wants to spend his life with.

That said, I completely agree with the wistful and sad feeling that your first child together won’t be “his” first child. But in a way, kind of will be. A biological parent doesn’t = father. He will need to decide how involved (or not) he wants to be in the child’s life. It makes perfect sense thathe doesn’t feel love for a child he never met. 

I would of course recommend therapy. I would not recommend sharing this info with anyone outside of your relationship. It could stir up unnecessary drama that neither of you need as you approach your special day. It sounds like you have a loving and solid relationship, and with effort, you should hopefully be able to overcome this bombshell by supporting each other the best you can.

Good luck to you. xx

Post # 52
Member
10633 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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coopersmama :  

The  most shocking part of all this to me is that you  can  consider leaving him or backing off in some way . Good god the man has had the most terrible shock and all you can think of  is how it is possibly going to spoil moments in the future for you ? Your response  might  be a clue as to why he has left it a while before  ‘confessing’ !

Obviosusly , he has some decisions to make,  though not necessarily immediately. And you will be part of those decisions.   Unless  you have  some reason to think there is lying and/or  cheating involved, do try for a bit of compassion and unselfishness.  

Post # 53
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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elderbee :  I think your response is unnecessarily harsh. Why does your compassion only extend to the OP’s Fiance and not to the OP? I feel like they’re both in a real tough spot right now. OP just got hit with a major bombshell. She is entitled to take some time and process her thoughts. Nowhere does she suggest leaving her fiance over this – she’s just understandably shell-shocked and disturbed because the life she thought she was signing up for with her partner is now going to look quite different. 

Post # 54
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

He didn’t cheat, he didn’t know about the child, he took a little time to adjust himself and then he told you. The child’s mother is married with other kids and not a threat. 

 

To my mind if it was us I’d be very disappointed if my husband didn’t want to step up and be a parent to this child. Yes it would be hard, but it could make such a difference to this child to know he cared as soon as he knew. 

 

I think counselling is a good idea and I’m sure it was terrible shock, you sound understanding and caring though and he sounds like a good man. Ultimately once you get used to this it should all be ok. Sure it complicates things but life gets complicated regardless. 

 

Any child you guys have together will be planned and lived from the point of conception, your husband will never have had that experience and each child is a new experience in themselves anyway. I hope you guys can embrace this child I to your lives and I hope everything has an ultimately happy ending. Xx

Post # 56
Member
10633 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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tiffanybruiser :  

Perhaps you are right  , on re-reading I see she didn’t actually say she was contemplating leaving him. I think I would have been kinder  had she said how shellshocked she was at how it might  change their lives rather than how she would feel at particular points I guess………….

Post # 57
Member
10633 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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coopersmama :  

Yes true,   I see that and apologise .

(I  don’t have to ‘take my judgement’ anywhere  though,  it’s the Internet)  

Post # 58
Member
1196 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

You know what? I think it’s fate at its best. You might not have gotten involved with your fiancé had you guys known he had a daughter. 

I am glad you’re seeking counseling. It’s a great idea. 

Focus on the many positives: you love each other, you’re getting married, you’re healthy, you’re surrounded by people who love you, you have a wonderful future ahead of you. 🙂

Post # 59
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

The ladies here have given u some great advice so far but I just wanted to say that although it’s a shock now, everything happens for a reason and will work out.GL!

Post # 60
Member
951 posts
Busy bee

You know when the vows say, “in good times and bad times?” Well, the shock of this news is a bad time. While he is of couse responsible for the conception of this child, he is innocent in the choas surrounding this situation. This is a time where you need to prove to him that you are going to stick by him no matter what life throws at you, as a team. 

I’m super glad you two are going through counseling over this. I know you two will get through this in the end. 

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