One more update.. need advice! :(

posted 4 months ago in Waiting
Post # 2
579 posts
Busy bee

“but he kept giving me the same answers – it’ll happen soon, eventually, he wants it 100 percent but right this second he needs to focus first.”  – And has this changed??

“he really has been trying to make changes”  – WHAT changes?

“I’m just scared to let go of what I have even though I’ve recognized I needed to probably do that for my own self to get clarity”  – Agreed. What the hell are you waiting for??

Post # 3
579 posts
Busy bee

Oh, and also the answer to this: “why is this so hard for me to make up my mind on?!” is that you’re comfortable, he’s not a bad guy, and you’re worried you won’t find someone else as nice as him in time to have a family. This IS scary, and it is understandable that you feel hesitant.

The mistake you’re making is thinking that THEREFORE it makes sense to stay with this guy! IT DOESN’T! You actually have absolutely NO GUARANTEE he will want to get married and have a family with you, in one year or in eight.

Post # 4
558 posts
Busy bee

I was in a similar situation… I heard excuse after excuse while the people in my life told me to walk away. It took me years to do so. We were also together for 7 years. I told myself I could wait for him to be ready but looking back, I was making excuses for him. Just because he is a good person doesn’t mean he is meant to be your husband, or shares your same views on the importance of marriage.

Letting go is scary but often times it is necessary to get the clarity you need. It feels wrong after investing so much time into a relationship but if he hasn’t proposed by now, he may never do it. Why waste more time?

Post # 5
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

girltalk300 :  he let you move out….a man who wanted  to have you in his life would have moved mountains before you walked out the door.

I think deep down you know he doesn’t want to marry you and that he sees you as a convenience. You give him everything he needs whilst he gives you his leftovers. I get you’re scared but I remember your posts which I’m sure your first one was posted last year. Nothing has changed except that you have moved out ironically across the street. You need to walk and I guarantee that you actually won’t regret it in the long run. I actually think you will regret the wasted time you spent with him. You added extra complications by working for him thinking you were building your future together when in fact you have no  legal rights to his business. Many bees told you to look out for yourself financially.

You seem to ignore all the good advice given and come back posting the same questions expecting the answers to be different when in fact your updates cement the thoughts that this guy doesn’t want what you want nor cares enough to do something for you even if its something he isn’t big on.

You need to move on for your own sanity and to find someone who wants what you want. Would you feel regret still being with him in seven years, unmarried and childless? I think you would be angry at him but even angrier at yourself for putting yourself in this position…

Don’t be scared to leave because you fear you are too old to start again or that you won’t find better because better does exist. Your guy is not a decent guy. A decent guy would have not strung you along emotionally and used you as an underpaid/free worker….


Post # 6
4859 posts
Honey bee

cmsgirl :  THIS. 

He may have some good qualities Bee, but he’s married to his work and you’re only his mistress. I’m sorry if this is blunt, but you seem to be clinging to the hope that he’ll make you a priority when he’s had years to do this and even allowed you to move out rather than step up. 

There are men and women out there who are doctors and lawyers and CEOs and professors etc who love their busy careers but still make time for a sex life, still make time for their partners, still make time for finding a work-home-family life balance. Your boyfriend simply isn’t able or willing to do this because it’s not what he wants, work is the focal point of his life. Which doesn’t make him a bad guy for choosing this lifestyle, only for stringing you along hinting at it being eventually different if you’ll just not ‘be mean’ to him in the present (aka speaking your mind, standing up for yourself. 

He sounds like the kind of guy who is basically decent but would make a better life-long bachelor than a husband. Even if he does marry you eventually, this won’t automatically shift his priorities and you could find yourself a neglected wife playing both mother and father figure to the kids he loves in his own way and supports financially but never makes time for. 

Post # 7
6312 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

You need to get it together and move on.

Post # 8
318 posts
Helper bee

You’re only 33, why are you so scared of letting him go? So what if he’s nice – there are actually many nice guys around. 

I can understand that you have invested 7 years in this relationship so it seems foolish in a way to let go after you’ve invested so much time. But isn’t it more foolish to continue like this for another year/two years/5 years etc. etc.? 

And stop worrying about how will it impact him if you do leave him – is he thinking about how the last 7 years impacted you? Are you?

If you do leave you won’t be doing it to hurt him but for yourself – so you may go, start dating, find someone who wants marriage. 

Post # 9
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’d cut your losses and leave. You still have lots of time. Is marriage your end goal? Kids? Grandkids? The longer you wait, the less time you will have for later.

Post # 10
4473 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

girltalk300 :  So…what has changed?  I don’t see anything besides you moving out, but you moved across the street.  That isn’t getting distance, that is putting a bandaid on a relationship that you know is over.  Why another year until you get engaged?  You have already been together for 7 years, and you first posted here 8 months ago regarding the lack of progression in your relationship.  I think he is comfortable and not willing to move things forward.  If a guy wants to marry you, he will marry you.  This guy keeps on pushing things back.  That is not a good sign.

Post # 11
3469 posts
Sugar bee

I remember your old posts. The advice you’ll get here will be no different. You should have moved on from this guy years ago bee, and I think you know that. He is all talk and no action. 

“I still can’t seem to let go of my wall I have up in certain ways.. at times he thinks im being “mean” or negative to him. . . . im trying hard to understand why im not giving it my all though now when he supposedly is trying to change now.”

I know this feeling and went through the same thing with my ex. This is your heart independently growing numb to this man as an act of self preservation. Your brain hasn’t totally gotten there yet, but the rest of you is like “no more!” This man has strung you along for YEARS. Finally after everything he’s put you through, he tells you that “soon” he will be ready to get engaged. These words seem to be everything you ever wanted to hear from him, yet you can’t get excited. You’re heart’s just not in it anymore. It’s because he’s put you through so much shit and so much pain over the years that you have grown cold to him. Even though you want to want him….you just can’t anymore.

Listen to your heart bee. Please don’t let us catch you on here in another 6 months or a year agonizing yet again about this commitment phobe! 

Post # 12
5777 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

girltalk300 :  

I remember you.  Did he ever arrange to protect your financial interests in the business that you have worked so hard to build?

My impression was that he was fond of telling you what you want to hear.

Post # 13
4859 posts
Honey bee

sassy411 :  I remember OP’s previous post now that you mention her not being made a business partner or wife despite everything she’s put into HIS business. 

OP, it’s sad you’ve posted again about this guy on the waiting boards- I’m afraid you are one of those Bees who should be moving on, not waiting, and you just haven’t been able to bring yourself to face it 🙁  

Don’t believe in the sunk-cost fallacy or a leopard changing his spots, it’s way past time to move on with this guy and it’s hurting you to settle for this dead-end relationship. 

Post # 14
339 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2004

He’s freaking out that he is no longer your #1 priority, despite the fact that you have never been his.   His actions are the definition of ‘too little, too late’.  He willing to put in a  little more effort now that you’ve moved out?  No.

It doesn’t feel right to you because you know you deserve better.

Post # 15
651 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

You don’t want to marry him. You want to marry *somebody* because you think your time is running out for children and etc. But because he told you what you want to hear about getting engaged in a year (why so far away?) you are thinking you will become a wife quicker sticking with him than if you started over. 

Not only is that not a great mentality to start a marriage but he is most likely lying to you anyway and a year from now he will say he needs another year. 

Dump him and jumpstart the process of finding a man who is enthusiastic to be your husband and the father of your children. 

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