- 4 years ago
So here I am, and I wish I didn’t feel the need to be posting again but I guess I’ve just gotten to that beyond emotional point that I can’t even figure myself or my decisions out. I received some really helpful (even blunt) advice on my original post on here but I’ll try to sum that up first and then give my update, because sadly I’m in need of some advice again! :/
My SO and I have been together for over 7 years, I’m 33 and he will be 41 this summer. He started his own company several years ago and I’ve been working in the company the entire time, and it’s been a very fast paced but fun lifestyle for a while – were equally passionate about the work – and we’ve had lots of highs, but also lots of lows which we’ve supported each other through and been there for each other, etc. We lived together (where we worked) and spent every waking minute together and somehow we were happy with that for a long time and I guess we became attached and co-dependent .. but because of his constant stress and 100 percent ‘workaholic’ focus on getting his business where he wants it to be, the personal side of things did suffer and my emotional needs were brushed aside for a while.
My priorities clearly shifted as I got into my late 20s and early 30s like any woman’s would.. and it took years for me to even get a real timeline for future wedding/kids/plans from him until he felt he could focus and take a step back from his work. Our lack of intimacy also suffered but was more a problem to me than to him for a while. I also live where his family lives but not in the same state as mine, which is tough but I realize that could be the situation with any guy you meet. I voiced these concerns and issues to him countless amounts of times over the years but he kept giving me the same answers – it’ll happen soon, eventually, he wants it 100 percent but right this second he needs to focus first.
I always knew he had the right intentions and loves me unconditionally, is loyal, has never had anyone else this serious in his life and wants to be with me forever and I guess he assumed it would all have fallen into place.. but I made the decision to move out to my own place, which happened to be across the street from where we already were, so I thought that would give me that space and “break” I needed to get clarity to figure out if this is even exactly what I want anymore (despite the fact that we do get along very well when I don’t argue about the future issues, and are very similar in personality, and he is there for me physically in every way- if I need something he drops everything to be there for me, he’s been good to me in a lot of ways, were very comfortable like an old married couple at this point).. but still, with all the good sides.. something felt missing to me.
I have continued working with him at the moment and over the last few weeks he really has been trying to make changes because he finally understood where I was coming from and acknowledged that he took too long to officially commit and he supposedly gets my emotional needs now.. so I’ve tried giving it another real chance since we put so much time and energy and basically our entire lives into each other.. and I love and care about him but I still can’t seem to let go of my wall I have up in certain ways.. at times he thinks im being “mean” or negative to him. he thinks he’s been trying harder in the intimacy dept even though he would hardly communicate about it with me but rather show me in his actions.. but something wasn’t working for me, it just didn’t feel 100 percent good for me for some reason even tho I am incredibly comfortable with him. We are affectionate but I still couldn’t get that straight up passion and desire feeling back, and truthfully I’m not even sure how strong of a feeling that ever was (sexually) since he spent so many years practically neglecting me in that area bc of his stress.. im trying hard to understand why im not giving it my all though now when he supposedly is trying to change now.
Hes a good person and that’s hard to find.. and I keep questioning if I’m crazy to let it go completely and would that be a mistake if he’s making an effort now.. and he came around with timelines he thinks are fair (engagement this year, married next year.. hopefully try for kids the following or sooner but that’s a whole other thing, he was never ready to have kids just yet, but “soon” he would say. That worried me bc of my biological clock of course.)
Sorry for this novel!! I guess I’m just scared to let go of what I have even though I’ve recognized I needed to probably do that for my own self to get clarity.. but he doesn’t get that, he looks at me taking time for myself as a full on breakup and he’ll be so hurt and distraught thinking I just never loved him enough to try and fix things together.. so he might not ever come back to me if that’s his mentality. I get whatever is meant is meant, but why is this so hard for me to make up my mind on?! It’s hurting him too and I realize that’s unfair.. I need to make a real decision and stick with all in or all out! I hate seeing him so hurt and emotional but I realize I have to think about myself too and I really have been trying to focus on me, but it’s just not so black and white at the same time.. :/