(Closed) One more update.. need advice! :(

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 31
Member
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

“he told me we probably would have been engaged already this summer if back at the end of last year I just decided to be normal and happy and give it that last shot with him without constantly nagging him about things or bickering about them.”

No, you wouldn’t be. He’s not going to marry you, ever. He is just saying he would have or will in the future because you’re simple to manipulate. Sorry if that’s harsh but that’s what he’s doing.

Post # 32
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t know if you follow the royal family at all… but Princess Beatrice (7th in line to the throne) broke up with her boyfriend because after 10 years of dating, they still weren’t married. The papers reported that there was lots of ‘make it or break it’ talk…. and she gave him an ultimatum. He didn’t propose, and voila, she walked. 

Of course, we’re not all princesses. but you seriously have to KNOW YOUR WORTH. 

You should never have to try to talk someone into being with you. If he wanted to be with you, he would make that happen. Don’t waste any more time.

 

Post # 33
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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slomotion :  +10000

OP, do you not see the gigantic contradictions and blatant manipulative lies this guy is spewing at you?? You just wrote this whole long post about how he FINALLY realizes he’s been wrong making you wait so long, and now he really does want to get engaged, he’ll even set a timeline! Except not…he’s still withholding the proposal as a punishment for your bad behavior

My fucking god the gall of these men. Does he not get that the whole reason you’re upset and acting negative is due to his unwillingness to commit? And that the only way to fix the issue is to fucking COMMIT already?

Spoiler alert: he gets it. He understands completely. But he doesn’t want to commit. And he’s too cowardly to just own that so instead he twists it around so you’re the bad guy. You’d be engaged by now if you only stopped nagging him, don’t you see!

Sickening. Bee i’ll say it agian, PLEASE DO NOT COME BACK HERE IN SIX MONTHS in the same exact situation asking the same exact quesiton. It’s too maddening! Please leave. You don’t even WANT to marry this guy. He definitely doesn’t want to marry you. So spare yourselves both the agony and end it already. 

Post # 34
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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girltalk300 :  As per your newest post….

Him giving you a  timeline are just him giving you lip service until the deadline comes and goes!!! If he wanted to marry you he would of not let you leave and move out. If he really wanted to marry you as per your update, he wouldn’t have put a timeline in place he would of said ‘my darling, I was wrong I want to marry you. What date would you like to get married?’

He’s stringing you along again with the timeline hoping that you will stick around abd in the mean time he gets sex, intimacy, someone to do things with and a cheap employee who will invest as much time and energy into the business as he does but won’t get an ounce of financial reward from that because they are not the owner!!!

Girltalk300 you need to stop being true to you user name, more walk, less talk is what you need!  Walk honey, his promise and  timeline will come and go and you will still be in the same position you were in 10 months ago when you first posted. The only difference is that you will biologically be a few years older!

My other question is why would you want to marry a man that causes you so much anguish, stress and  self doubt? Would you be happy being married to a guy who you had to strong arm into marriage and parenthood??

It sounds like even against advice that you will stay and play his game, please for goodness sake look after yourself financially and consult with a lawyer  and  push for a stake in the business. You can be as silly as you want with the emotional decisions in your life but don’t be silly with your financial ones. You will break up, maybe not today or in two years but enough will be enough eventually and you don’t want to be in the position of being financially screwed…

Please listen!!! 

Post # 35
Member
6344 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

There’s…there’s nothing new in this update at all. He still hasn’t actually changed or done anything. It’s just words. Endless words with no follow through. 

Post # 38
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

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girltalk300 :  Good relationships aren’t this complicated and drama filled. I would take a real break, like go on a trip alone or something for at least a week, and try to get some perspective on your true feelings and what you want. And then decide a course of action for you to take. 

Post # 39
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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girltalk300 :  From a young age we are bombarded with the belief that its not real love or romance unless you have an obstacle to overcome. All your fairytales, popular romantic fiction books and movies follow that format and they always end up with the couple riding off into the sunset after the obstacle has been overcome. That is great in a story as it makes it interesting to watch or read but its not what you want in a relationship! 

OP you are romanticizing the obstacles in your relationship and ignoring the glaring obvious. You tag us in into your responses but don’t actually address any of the points in our posts to you. You tried to justify the point I made about him letting you move out by insisting that he wanted you to stay but you put your foot down saying you wanted your space. Its laughable because he knew he still had you and the upper hand because you moved across the street from him! If you meant business you would of moved far away. I also bet that you spend most nights in the hotel (his environment) and very few in your apartment. Your the one being inconvenienced most of the time by packing some clothes and what you need for the night.

If he loved you like you hope he would have not let you walk and would have said let’s get married now.

Again ignore all of the post if you wish but please please listen to the financial stuff that several bees keep bringing up….

Post # 40
Member
295 posts
Helper bee

…. So I purposely didn’t look up the past posts because I thought fresh eyes might do you some good.  From what I can tell, in a very small nutshell….. he has convinced you that he is absolutely in for the win with you after waiting years and years and now, when you finally move out and try to put up this front that you’re moving on… he’s showing more interest but you aren’t sure anymore??  No.  I really believe that he’s placating you still… he’s saying exactly what he has to to make the status quo stay in effect for his comfy little world where you blame yourself and keep giving him the benefit of the doubt.  I really doubt that deep down you aren’t sure.  I bet if he showed up with a ring, down on one knee, you would jump for joy, erase all posts and post that ring and happiness all over this wedding bee.  And that’s normal.  You are a woman… your feelings are at stake and you’re trying to convince yourself that maybe “you are the one that’s not ready now” because deep down, he may not make good on his promise now… and you’ve put all your eggs into that basket so the only way to save face is for you to make it out to be that you’re the one calling things off.  It’s self preservation 101…. and there’s nothing wrong with it…. but do yourself a favor and listen.  If he were ALL IN… it wouldn’t matter that you aren’t giving him 100%… he would be busting his ASS trying to make it right and sweep you off your feet to keep him… not blaming you MORE.   You were trying!!  Even when he wasn’t… right?  You busted your ass keeping things together when he didn’t give his all…. HE needs to do the same.  So the best thing you could do is show him how strong you are.  LEAVE.  Don’t return phone calls, texts and truly give yourself time.  Don’t worry about him.  Worry about you and trust me…. if by some miracle, he wants to actually spend his life with you…. he will make it known.   I’m sorry, bee…. hang in there.  And I in no way mean any disrespect…. I have just been through it before (not so long but a similar situation) and this was what I needed to hear…… good luck. 

Post # 41
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: February 2018

If he actually wanted to marry you he would have done it. He’s 41 and you have been together 7 years FFS! If you met someone else you could be engaged in 12-18 months and married within 2 years, totally realistic timeline. Men that age don’t mess around, if he is treading water or wasting time, you aren’t the one for him. My fiancé was 38 when we met, engaged within 2 years. You will be engaged to someone else in the time between now and when he stops stringing you along (which is more likely to be with a breakup than a serious 100% can’t live without you proposal). Sorry bee, the current ones a dud!

Post # 42
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee

Dearest Bee,

Only you know what’s right for you, but remember to *always* know your worth and respect yourself and your goals as a person. If someone is not supportive of those goals, you will find someone who is! And who values you enough to take your feelings and needs seriously.

Many hugs to you. Please take some time to look at this situation through sober eyes.

Post # 43
Member
957 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Dear Lord, stop thinking for him, why…. Start thinking for yourself already. You have told him many many times what you want, and he’s not giving it to you.

If you want to buy a blue shirt, and the store doesn’t have it, do you keep going back day after day and ask for it, for years??

 

At some point, it is just foolish.

 

Post # 44
Member
207 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I think you need to think about what you want and what you’re willing to lose if you hang around waiting on this guy. 

I know couples who were together for 8+ years and they never married even though she or he wanted to. When they’d break up (inevitably), I would predict that the party that was holding out would be married within two years and they were.

He’s 41. If he was 31 I’d cut him more slack. He would know today if he wanted to marry you. In the very least he would propose and suggest a long engagement.

If you want to get married and have kids within the next 5 years, I think you should move on. If you are truly meant to be together than he will be back at your door with a ring within 6 months because he can’t live without you.

If he doesn’t, you will find someone you want to be with AND who wants to be fully committed to you.

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