- 4 years ago
I am officially labeling this absurd AF.
I am officially labeling this absurd AF.
Oh FFS, what complete and utter bullshit. He’s being manipulative. If you truly loved him you’d just let him be while you’re completely miserable??? Fuck. That. All he’s been doing for years is only caring about HIMSELF and when you finally start caring about YOURSELF he’s throwing that in your face. What an ass.
I was trying to write the same comment but it was going to be much more long winded. Well said, this sums up the whole sad saga very potently!
At this point you are just asking to be treated poorly.
Have some self respect, OP.
Now, it’s just really sad for us because he desperately wants to come around and make this work, and he thinks he’s trying everything he can to get me in a happier mindset confirming he 100% wants to get engaged this year and he understands my needs and concerns I brought up all these years.. but he can’t understand why if he’s willing to make all the changes necessary why I’m not 100% willing to give him that final chance anymore, and if I loved him and wanted him to propose then why am I thinking about leaving him still. The hardest part of all is I still love him and care for him in so many ways because he’s a good person and we did have something special for such a long time, even though he didn’t completely fulfill certain needs.. and I don’t want to hurt him and he gets so emotional too about it.. but he thinks if he proposed tomorrow that at this point I would say no, and he’s so afraid of that. I know it all sounds beyond crazy and I have a right to question if he’s the right one after all that I’ve been through emotionally.. just doesn’t make it any easier when trying to break an attachment 🙁
It’s never really been about you. All these years.
p.s., my ex, if you remember, when actually faced with the loss of our relationship did everything to stop it once her realized I was really going. The first time, I fell for it. I thought he had really seen the light and was “all in” for meeting my (absolutely legitmate and normal) needs and expecations. Wrong, once we were all cozy and back together everything was swept under the rug again and there was no further talk about those absoutely vital issues. I broke up two years later again and he did EXACTLY the same thing AGAIN. But I held my ground and I felt like I just had to move forward with my life – without him. Guess what? He got over me. He got over our relationship and I think he is now just as happy as I am that it’s all over. Took a few years, but here we are.
Don’t worry about him. He’ll eventually be fine. Worry about YOU. Youre gonna need a lot of time and healing after all of this. (I am in my second year of full therapy and sometimes I am still pissed as heck about the years gone by and the selfish treatment I let myself be a part of.)
Happy End: I’m not single and in a lovely relationship. Still work on learning to put my needs out there, still somewhat surprised when they get met, but altogether I am not looking back and neither is my Ex!!!
I’ve not fully read the thread, I don’t know the back story of other threads that have been mentioned, and you’ve already had some really solid advice.
It might take you completely leaving – so not just moving out across the street, but really leaving the relationship – for him to realise what he had and to really reflect on what the issues were. Your story makes me think of a relative of mine. She was upset with all of the time she had wasted with somebody who wouldn’t change. They split up around a year ago.. he was resentful to start with, but he still pleads for her back to this day. However you shouldn’t leave with this hope in mind – you should leave for you. Allow yourself to be open to finding something better. It might be with him, or it might be with somebody else.
If you leaving due to very clear issues does not motivate him to sort his priorities out, then you know your answer.. he wasn’t for you. If you do decide to leave, be really clear about what the problems are but don’t allow yourself to be manipulated into taking the blame.
Meanwhile after that.. we still had to see each other at work and things got a bit hectic because I had family come in town (my mom and younger nieces, who love what we do at work because it’s for their aged audience) so it was hard to completely avoid him and he went in overdrive trying to come along and be there at times with us, go out of his way to do things and be fun and nice with them – and me – and show how much he still loves me and cares and wants to do everything to make it work. I know he meant it.. and he’s still there for me despite how I can act negative or upset around him still. But obviously there’s a reason something keeps holding me back, no matter how hard he tries now and says he realizes he made a mistake all these years and he wants to 100% be engaged this year if it’s still what I want. He’s worried I don’t even know if I want that with him anymore, yet that’s what I’ve been arguing about all these years (timelines etc etc) so he gets confused. He has never said he would do something and then hasn’t done it, so I believe him on his word about his engagement timeline. But I still worry about the rest- for ex I said hypothetically if things were good again and we got engaged, would you be absolutely happy and willing to agree if I said I want to get married early next year and then start trying for kids at some point next year? And he hesitated saying he doesn’t feel kids next year, but definitely the following not even a question.
Sooo… ugh. I guess there you go right..? I don’t know! 🙁 I do feel like Ive tried so hard..
I know you want to believe him, you want to move on to a lovely life with marriage and kids if possible. But do you believe in that with him? Do you trust him, really? Are there mutual plans, or just his plans kind of trying to pacify your plans? What would your life look without him?
You gotta start re-imagining your life Bee. You have been so closely tied to his plans for so long, I am not sure you even know how that works.
And also, about his pain and crying and all that. While it’s great you are such an understanding and caring person, how many tears have you shed? One night like he has? Or many many nights? Are the many years of suffering and not being seen and having your needs not met equal to his just-now-because-youre-leaving bout of pain he is going through? Bee, I think you underestimate your suffering und overestimate his.
His hesitation rightfully raises a flag. He’s not fully on board. And you can’t make him be. Do you really want to go through this with every friggin step of the way?? Engaged, sure, but then no wedding date. You have to threaten to walk. Okay, wedding date, but first in 3 years. Wedding okay, youre at the end of your thirties and then you have to threaten to walk in order to start to conceive. Then he isn’t around when you *need* him to be and can’t get pregnant. How friggin exhausting.
Do you want to drag your partner quite obviously against their will through life milestones or do you want someone on your side keeping stride wanting the same things?
Personally it is time to wake up about how hurt you are and how much more you could have in your life. Start imagining what you could have in your life without him, instead of what you think you would be losing.
Btw I still work with my ex and it was a hard path, but we made it. (not reccomending it, though) I dont want to be in his business forever, because I realized this business is tied absolutely to him and I don’t want that for the rest of my working years. But for now it’s okay. Just know that he will want you to see his suffering for a long time, especially when you have a new partner. Eventually he will move on though and youre not responsible for his emotional well being. You are responsible for being respectfull and kind. Not making everything better for him.
You spent all these years putting 100% in this relationship with the fear he’s not going to ask. Now he’s not asking right now out of fear you’ll say no. So you’re supposed to take the risk of getting hurt but he’s not? I’m sorry, if he was 100% in then he’d ask even if he was scared you’d say no. Because the prospect of losing you would be greater. It’s not like this man isn’t a risk taker for what h really wants in life. Look at his work history, if you were his business you’d be married with kids right now.
homestly I think he’ll ask eventually, but not for the reasons you want him to. He’ll ask because it’s good for business. Because he will be more stable and his business will be more stable. I think he’ll ask because finding another woman to take your place will be more work then he wants to do because it will take away from his business. Having kids will NOT make his priorities more stable. I think he’ll ask but I’d bet my house he won’t want to have kids with you. Ever. Unless you convinced him he would have to do nothing for the kids. Even then he’d see child support payments in his future and the loss of half of his business. Because that is how business oriented men think.
You work to live. He lives to work. Neither of these are bad things. Until it comes to situations like this.
I homestly don’t think you love him as a life partner anymore. What you’re feeling is probably residual feelings, from the habit of feeling them, because you want to feel them, because you don’t want to ‘throw away’ all those years.
Just let him go. You don’t want the pain you’ll experience being married to this man. And not because he’s a bad person, but His life will never be you and his children. It will always be his business. Go find the man who can’t wait to see what you’ll say/do next, who wants to look into his children’s eyes and see you. Who will glow with pride that you are HIS. Who will make it his priority in life to make you laugh and keep you from tears. There are more men like THAT than the one you’ve chosen so your odds are pretty good.
But I know that’s not how life should work and I made that very clear to him all this time. When I threatened (or not really threatened, actually chose to) try and end things for a break for myself several times, we did go through the break-up emotions multiple times.. obviously to then get pulled back into each other. So he’s been emotional like that a few times, but you’re right I know I have to focus on my own emotional suffering throughout the years despite that he has been a really good loyal person to me and my absolute best friend in life. It would make it so much easier if I could just purely hate him or if he was the worst guy and did something bad, but since he isn’t it only makes it harder. However… I know I can’t be responsible for his emotional well being, even though in the moment he makes me second guess and question my thoughts and feelings and decisions, saying like.. I can’t even understand this, it makes no sense to me, I’m trying my absolutel hardest to show you I want the same things as you and I’ve apologized for the past but I’m trying to give it a real shot to move forward on the same page.. you won’t realize you had something so special and someone who was there for you nonstop and cared and loved you until it’s gone.. do you really want me out of your life like that.. etc. And since I still have feelings of course it makes me worry like, is it too late, will I ever find this.. he knew me inside and out and loved my flaws and I could be completley myself around him. But, I can’t forget the suffering emotionally. Not to say I was perfect back to him.. my emotional suffering led me to not be the best gf towards him the last couple years, and I acknowledge that, but at the same time it’s just my reaction to my emotions and resentment I guess and I know it’s normal to feel that way.
It’s still so hard for me to imagine my life completely without him because I genuinely do enjoy his company and being with him is just easy and familiar, and I can always be myself, but at the same time it hasn’t been enjoyable lately obviously in the sense that I’ve been half in half out, which is the worst place to be. Because he thinks he knows my heart still loves him but that I’m fighting it and putting up this front. I know it’s way deeper than that for me.. and he does too, he just wants me to be happy. It’s scary to imagine my life without him because he’s been so beyond part of it in all aspects of my life everyday for 7 years.. but I am trying to do that knowing it’s probably still what’s best for me and thinking about what I could gain, even if it takes me years to find it again (which scares me at my age) and I don’t think he would ever come back to me because he’ll be so hesistant if I left him the first time would I do it again.. I don’t want to regret anything or make a mistake, but I know that is possible if I stayed too and that’s the battle I keep having. Sure I want to trust him that he is willing to change, but am I even wanting him to at this point..? That’s the thing?
The work thing makes it all the more complicated, and I love the job and working with him, but yeah the dynamic would change dramatically and then I have no idea how it will really play out.. which also turns my world upside down even more but.. ugh. I know I have to be strong in my decisions and just hope it works out for the best. 🙁
Yup. It’s all about HIM. Him getting his little feelings hurt and crying ‘all night’. Really? Eeeww. Poor baby. He must be so terribly in wuv.
By the by, did he ever get around to making arrangements to protect your interests in his company? Your future financial well being?
Or does he just sob on about poor little woe is me boy?
He doesn’t like the mere possibility that you could slip out of his control. Let’s be honest here–he’s got it made. He has you available at his beck and call, 24/7. He’s got you caring about HIS business as much as he does. And make no mistake–it is indeed HIS business. He’s got essentially free labor and sex on demand. And all it costs him are a bunch of words.
Why on earth would he want to change any of that?
OP, you do a *lot* of projecting in your posts. You make many assumptions about what *he* must be feeling. Then you act on those assumptions as if they were facts. Thus, you end up spinning your wheels in wet sand and getting absolutely nowhere. It goes nowhere because your foundational assumptions are wrong. He doesn’t want what you want. Period. Full stop.
You are no closer to marrying this guy today than you were last year.
And seriously, why would you *want* to marry this guy? What do you get out of this relationship? So far, all we’ve heard about are his issues, his wants, his needs.
He has taken NO concrete steps to reciprocate for all of your hard work growing HIS business. He has done nothing to protect you financially. Who is the beneficiary on his life insurance? I’ll venture a wild guess that it’s not *you*. You have no fall back position at all in this. Unexpected things happen every day. Take care of yourself first.
OP, I really think you have got to do some work on your codependency, it’s controlling your whole life.
When my ex who I was with for a decade finally admitted he wasn’t sure about us and didn’t want to get engaged it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me because I met my husband two months later, we were engaged in less than two years. It’s hard to leave the comfort, the imagined future, the shared history but it’s so worth it to be with the right person. To leave the doubts and hurt and resentment in the dust and be happy. Good luck.
Blah blah blah, what’s the point of a proposal by the end of the year? Then what? A proposal is nothing. It’s NOTHING! On every form you click “single.”
If he is so sad and don’t want to be lose you, GET MARRIED tomorrow. Will it make you stop this non sense?
You need to answer with just yes and no.
The topic ‘One more update.. need advice! :(’ is closed to new replies.