(Closed) One more update.. need advice! :(

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 61
Member
3152 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds like he’s a 40 year old man-child that is just telling you what you want to hear. I’ve yet to hear exactly how he’s changing anything. He’s just making promises that he won’t keep.

Post # 62
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
girltalk300 :  He wants to be engaged this year? No no no. Engaged today or nothing. You have broken up with him, now stick to it and move on. 

Post # 63
Member
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

View original reply
girltalk300 :  what if you proposed to him? I don’t think you should wait another day for a proposal from him. But if he’s trying like you say he is.. maybe you popping the question will get you the answer you need? If it’s a no, at least it will be easier for you to move on. You won’t be left wondering, “what if?” 

Just a thought.. 

Post # 64
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
girltalk300 :  I skimmed through this thread. Can you please confirm, have you broken up with SO?

I’m in a similar position as you. Turned 32 earlier this year, SO turned 33 earlier this year. We’ve been in a relationship (if you call it that) for 10years and 3months. Difference is, we don’t live together. 

It’s been 4yrs since I started officially waiting. I’m still waiting. Ultimatums have been set and not followed through. Likewise with timelines. Broken promises. Resentment on the rise. Trust issues, etc. The list goes on. It’s exhausting. I feel like he’s tiring me out to the point where I need to call it quits and I haven’t. I’m not strong enough to leave. I feel I may be 36 before it hits me that I’m with a boy who will never grow up. Though I’ve already started feeling that at 32, the past decade has flew by without any change at all.

I can’t follow my advice. It’s so hard. Despite all the BS, it’s just so hard. If I was strong enough, I’d leave. I feel like you need to do yourself a favour and leave. Leave, then continue the wait. But this time, wait for a man who will want to marry you and as most Bees have said, a man who will move heaven and earth for you. 

I can see and feel the joy and relief it must be to have someone who will love you and care for you unconditionally. And who will be there for you whenever you need them. Someone who will make you laugh when you’ve got the shits. Someone who will wipe your tears away when you cry. And not tell you to stop crying. Like wtf?! So go, start that journey towards happiness. I can see the other side for you. It’s promising. 

Keep us updated. Thinking of you, Bee. I really am. Hugs. 

Post # 65
Member
506 posts
Busy bee

Girl, I gotta agree with pp he let you move out. Life is too short to be stressed and a workaholic. On the kid aspect of it:  I am young (25) and we are going through infertility it could happen for us tomorrow it could be 3 more years, we don’t know, but we do know it will probably only get harder the older we get. If you already hear that biological clock ticking, it’s only gonna get louder. Also, think about how you guys act right now as a couple, a lot of times after a marriage people become even more complacent. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this, and I hope that you figure you what you want to do soon! Until then, you’ll be in my thoughts! 

Post # 66
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

You can’t get your heart back in it because he took you for granted for YEARS. And you know that this sudden change of heart probably won’t last. And if you get engaged and then married, you’ll be taken for granted while planning a wedding, and then taken for granted as a newlywed, when what you WANT is just a few months of bliss where you’re prioritized. And if you have kids, instead of being a hands on, engaged dad, he’ll STILL be emotionally absent, and you will be the taken for granted mother of his children.

He provides “great company.”

He feels comfortable.

He’s nice and supportive of you (ie. fine with you doing whatever you want while he focuses on his empire).

You have the whole sunk cost thing going b/c 7 years.

But you consistently feel taken for granted. Because he is consistently taking you for granted.

You had to argue and plead with him for MONTHS to get him to see that he was taking you for granted.

And now he sees it (supposedly), but STILL wants to punish YOU for having put you through the heartache and emotional labor of getting it through his thick effing skull.

You’ve had him on the defensive these last few months since he’s “seen the light,” so of course he’s going to say the proper words and dance the proper dance – he doesn’t want his easy peasy life of having his cake and eating it to, and taking it for granted all the while, disrupted. 

This is EXCRUTIATING FOR HIM. Because you were SO EASY TO  MANIPULATE AND KEEP IN THE CORNER for SO LONG. 

How DARE you grow up, demand your needs be given consideration, demand ANYTHING for yourself, really.

This is the most painful thing he’s ever had to go through – he thought he’d finally found a chump to keep him warm at night and make no demands and have no self respect… indefinitely!

He’s hurting SO MUCH that you are growing into a healthy, confident woman. 

You are feeling “out of it” more and more because the more you grow into a healthy place, and think about your own needs, the more HE is hurt. 

Clearly, you being confident, healthy, and strong is incompatible with being in a relationship with him.

He can only be in a relationship with the type of woman you were for the last 5-6 years: undemanding, uncomplaining, content, co-dependent, etc. 

You are out-growing him. 

So be it.

Please be truly done this time. 

Post # 67
Member
2543 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

View original reply
duchessgummybunns :  this is so spot on I wish I could upvote/helpful your post multiple times!

Post # 69
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

You feel guilt over how sad and sick he is over the prospect of losing you, but how did it make him feel all those years, all those deep heart felt conversations you had with him where you expressed your sadness, your frustration, your fears?  Did he feel guilt? No, he patted you on the head and said ‘you’re going to be fine. I’m Super Boyfriend. I’m going to be a great partner for you to make it up to you.  My needs are more important than your needs right now. Some day your needs will be more important, you’ll see.”

 

its NOT too late. I swear to you. You will find someone and be so much happier. Please don’t settle. You’re done. You know you’re done. You’re just scared and don’t want to hurt him. And this is normal. We have all been there, but we know what you don’t, that there is LIFE beyond this, you will be happier and wish you had done it sooner. 

Post # 71
Member
304 posts
Helper bee

I think an analogy would be helpful here. Imagine he had cheated on you. Now, I know you’re saying “but he never did anything as bad as that!!” But I don’t think that’s entirely true. He ignored your emotional & physical needs & fobbed you off with empty promises for years! He has broken your trust in him almost as surely as if he had cheated. He caused you incredible amounts of pain & anguish. Maybe what he’s done is not as bad as cheating, but it’s still on the same spectrum, so I think it’s an appropriate analogy.

If he had cheated on you, it would very much be on him to regain your trust at this point. If he wanted you to forgive him & wanted to make the relationship work, he would need to everything in his power to regain your trust, and quite rightly so! And it would probably take him a long, long time of demonstrating that he had changed before you might slowly begin to feel that you could trust him again and lower your walls. If he had cheated on you, then it would be ridiculous for him to say “well I’ve changed my ways somewhat over this very short period of time, why don’t you instantly act like everything is all better now & the relationship is perfect?” No! I’m sure you hear how ridiculous that sounds. And similar to cheating, it’s possible that he could do everything in his power, and over time even though you desperately wanted to forgive him & trust him again, you might realize that you’re just not able to. Sometimes it’s just impossible to forget the pain that someone has caused you in the past, and that’s also totally fair. 

Just because he’s started to finally take your needs somewhat seriously doesn’t mean the onus is suddenly on you to be open & unguarded & love him wholeheartedly & make the relationship work. He hurt you really, really badly. He screwed up in a big way. He should understand that he needs to strive to show you he’s changed for a good long time, and maybe then your pain will eventually be healed enough to get back to the love that used to be in your relationship. For him to throw that back on you makes my blood boil. You loved him without reservation for years & years, and he could have proposed then if that’s what he needed! But he used up that goodwill & it’s not coming back. If he really wanted to show you that he’d changed, he could just go ahead & propose. The fact that he hasn’t because he’s not willing to take the chance of causing himself some pain, for once, if you reject him is very telling.  Honey, he is not behaving like a person who realizes how much he fully hurt his partner & how much he needs to strive to regain your trust. And that means he hasn’t changed as much as you want to think he has. 

Post # 72
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

View original reply
beeleez :  +1000000000

OP before you write another 5 paragraphs defending this guy, read beeleez’s post like 5 times. seriously. 

“Just because he’s started to finally take your needs somewhat seriously doesn’t mean the onus is suddenly on you to be open & unguarded & love him wholeheartedly & make the relationship work.”

“he is not behaving like a person who realizes how much he fully hurt his partner & how much he needs to strive to regain your trust. And that means he hasn’t changed as much as you want to think he has.”

Post # 73
Member
10129 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

View original reply
girltalk300 :  

Aaaauuuggghhh.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

Post # 74
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

He sounds incredibly selfish and exhausting to deal with, I wouldn’t even want a ring from someone like this- marriage to him would just be more of him navel gazing about his needs and his wants. And I don’t see how a guy in his 40s can say he’s not ready for kids next year….but the year after that, no probs. It would just be same tune different story while he buys himself time and then alternates between poor-babying himself and gaslighting you as he reneges on his word yet again. 

I hope you find happiness Bee, but it won’t be with this guy. Not even if he eventually  proposes. 

Post # 75
Member
99 posts
Worker bee

Damn, bee. I just got caught up to speed with this thread and your previous ones, 1 of which from a YEAR ago driving yourself crazy about the same issue you are today.

For real – good relationships are NOT this hard, confusing, or exhausting. You have to realize that. Sure, there are some compromises, and when it comes to marriage, if 2 peoples timelines are slightly differing from one another, adjustments needs to be made in order to figure it out. But in a good partnership, that gets figured out – IN A TIMELY MANNER – and both parties are happy with the ultimate decision. Because what’s important to each partner is THE OTHER PARTNER, and moving forward.

Isn’t this so exhausting for you? An entire year of writing paragraph after paragraph after paragraph of desperate efforts and circular thinking in hopes of convincing yourself this will someday work out? I can’t even imagine how emotionally tiring your REAL life is, if this is your online life. I’m not saying don’t come on the Bee to share with us and seek advice, but..

again, I promise you – it needn’t be this exhausting.

 

ETA: you said this in response to another bee’s situation: you have to just trust your instincts and know what’s best for you and try not to feel guilty for wanting what’s best since it’s what you deserve and actually want. Even if he’s a really good person. 
LISTEN TO YOUR OWN ADVICE!

The topic ‘One more update.. need advice! :(’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors