(Closed) One more update.. need advice! :(

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 77
Member
457 posts
Helper bee

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girltalk300 :  Listen to your own advice. Sorry but he doesn’t love you. All the crying, getting sick, etc? It’s an act. When you leave he just goes back to work like nothing happened, or just laughs about it. 

Sorry to be harsh. 

It’s happened to me as well. Once during a fight with my boyfriend at the time, he texted me to say he was “so distraught, couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t get out if bed” etc. Minutes later one of his friends posted a pic on fb of both of them and other friends smiling and laughing at a pub. He had been texting me from there. 

Post # 78
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Who cares if he never can open up again? Like, very sad, get me a tissue, not your responsibility though. Did he care during the past 7 years when you were distraught over his inability to commit? It doesn’t seem like it. 

Please just listen to your gut. You’ve basically admitted that even if he proposed today you wouldn’t be that pumped about the prospect. I guarantee that once you finally break up with him, after a few days or weeks of distress, you are going to feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of you.

Post # 79
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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girltalk300 :  Yet another ‘update’ that isn’t an update at all. You’re just repeating the same old bullshit he’s gaslighting you with.

Summary- according to him: He’s a great catch, you’d be a fool to walk now just when he’s  about to finally maybe sorta almost getting how big a deal moving forward is to you and is getting close to sometime soon or sort of soon finally likely being ready to take that step. If you were 100% all in you would wait because you’d be so sure of him that you wouldn’t even question waiting. So if you take this amazing opportunity and throw it away you’re going to regret it bigtime because being with him is the opportunity of a freaking lifetime.

Bee, the blunt truth is that even when you moved out (I’m guessing deep down it was to try and make him realize he could lose you if he didn’t propose) he was willing to lose you rather than propose. Surely even the most clueless guy could ‘understand the magnitude’ of how important moving forward was to you when you packed up and moved out! And even now that your relationship is threatened once again, he’s still acting like you’re the one who needs to realize you’re losing something good. Wake up Bee and realize you deserve a guy who thinks that HE has something too good to lose with you.

Post # 81
Member
4929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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girltalk300 :  A post was made a few days ago about a T-shirt that had a bride dragging a groom with the words saying ‘I got one…’

It caused a hullabaloo on the here with a lot of bees due to the negative connotations portrayed on the shirt. When I saw that T-shirt I actually thought of you. If you do manage to get this guy to commit to you, it will be you dragging him kicking and screaming to that altar like the bride on the T-shirt.. Do you really want to be that bride?  You want a man who will happily walk down the aisle with you not one who is kicking and  screaming.

The fact is again in black and white….

If he wanted to marry you he would of not let you move out. If he really has changed his ways and realised his mistake he wouldn’t be blowing smoke and questioning your emotions. He would accept that they may have changed as a result of his behaviour but he would say I want to marry you now. Instead he is talking about an engagement in 6months time!! He’s buying time with you and taking advantage of an extra 6months of an employee that costs him nothing in comparison to the responsibility they shoulder for him. He gets the relationship benefits too… Companionship, intimacy, support etc

He may get engaged to you at the end of the year but to be honest I’m certain it will be just another ploy to keep you around for another few years without following through with a wedding and children…

As  other bees and I have said several times… Use your indecision time to seek out advice to help you keep a piece of the pie that you have contributed towards and will have no recourse to once your relationship dissolves… You will kick yourself and regret not taking action and doing something to financially secure yourself when you break up. 

Post # 82
Member
612 posts
Busy bee

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cmsgirl :  “

As  other bees and I have said several times… Use your indecision time to seek out advice to help you keep a piece of the pie that you have contributed towards and will have no recourse to once your relationship dissolves… You will kick yourself and regret not taking action and doing something to financially secure yourself when you break up. “

I was thinking the same thing. OP, you address the emotional aspect, but you haven’t responded to the financial planning questions at all. Are you taking steps to make sure you’re protected? It sounds like you’ve worked really hard to build this company with him and are at risk of losing everything when you break up. Do you have a contract that protects you?

On the emotional side, I don’t have much patience for the melodrama of “this would scar him in the sense that I don’t know if he’d ever open up again.” First, I don’t think it’s right, and second, how you each move on from the breakup is on you. Either one of you could close yourselves off, or open up and make new choices.

Post # 84
Member
2 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Been reading all these posts from afar and hadnt planned to chime in until this most recent post.  So sorry to see it came to this. Based on all your long winded emails it didnt seem this is the decision you really wanted to make, if it was you wouldnt have been as hesitant as you have been and continually going against what everyone else in the board was saying.  I was in a similar situation years ago and stuck with the relationship and it ended up being the best decision I ever made.   No 2 people are the same and perhaps you will be at peace with your decision, but nothing is easy and every relationship is met with challenges/roadblocks/issues that are less than ideal but its when you can get over those is when you can really flourish.  At first i was in total agreement with all the other posters and thought this guy had to go, but after really listening to what you were saying i began to feel the opposite and felt deep down you did as well. This boards are a great outlet/sounding board but should not be used to influence ones decision and i just really hope this wasnt the case here and you are 100% sure this wasnt the right person for you and you are ready to move on because it seemed in the end he gave you everything you wanted and if he was being honest (which only you would really know the answer to that) that should have made the decision much easier  to stay and your bond would have been that much stronger because of all the turmoil over the past several months.  This was my experience at least and cant imagine how different and less fufilling my life would have been had i made the decision you made. 

Post # 85
Member
11 posts
Newbee

He supossedly is offering to give you what you wanted in regards to a commitment and you  “love him, care about him and he’s a good person”  “you have a closeness to him thats special” “he’s there for you in a ton of ways”  yet you broke up with him?

Am I missing something here?

Seems you have in him what everybody is looking for in life, but you arent happy- have you ever been happy?

Not trying to be rude but maybe you dont know what happiness really is?

Post # 86
Member
10524 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

 

<u>strongbo2 :</u>  

Well, I guess it is a possibility that OP is at fault in the way  you suggest , but I would have thought  it’s him who has the problem emotionally   based on these posts .

I mean he’s now  apparently  crying hysterically and asking why OP “can’t give him ONE more final chance , for him to prove he will do everything it takes to get me happy again and give me what I want” . 

When all he has to do – and he knows it perfectly well- is stop pissing her about  and give  her a modest ring ( if a ring at all  ) and set  a close wedding date .

Post # 87
Member
1596 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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girltalk300 :  omg GIRL. Just stop.

All you talk about is how wonderful, amazing and fabulous this man is and how hurt, broken up about and devestated he will be if you leave him. You talk about this man like he is 95% of the relationship. (what he feels, what he wants, what he can give you, what you are losing) 

It’s mind boggling, and I am at the point now where I say: okay. Stay with him. Don’t try to ever have your needs met though. ’cause you have put this man on a pedestal and well quite frankly, you both are pretty invested in keeping him there. 

Just stay and never get married or have kids. Obviously, to you, he’s worth it.

But for the love of god stop whinging and pretending you are leaving the realationship. Save yourself that idignity.

 

Post # 88
Member
2229 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Why do you keep writing you need advice when you won’t listen to a single bit of it?

Buy yourself a diary if you’re going to keep repeating the same crap without listening 

Post # 89
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

“And I know in theory he would propose if hypothetically I said ok I’m giving it one full shot, I’m all in.. I WANT to be married to you no matter what so let’s see what happens from here since the past is the past and I realize you want to fix things.”

“In theory.” “If.”

NO! JUST NO! Enough is e-fucking-NOUGH. At this point it is on HIM to prove to YOU that he is committed to regaining your trust. You do not need to lift a fucking finger here. You gave this your all for SEVEN YEARS, you are done,  you are about to walk out the door and if he wants to stop you he can do so by PROPOSING. The ball is in HIS COURT, not yours!

Since you are just saying the same thing over and over, I am going to repeat the quotes from beeleez’s post on the previous page. Please reread these quotes until they truly penetrate your mind and heart:

“Just because he’s started to finally take your needs somewhat seriously doesn’t mean the onus is suddenly on you to be open & unguarded & love him wholeheartedly & make the relationship work.”

“he is not behaving like a person who realizes how much he fully hurt his partner & how much he needs to strive to regain your trust. And that means he hasn’t changed as much as you want to think he has.”

Post # 90
Member
10210 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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girltalk300 :  

OP, you MUST seek professional help for yourself.  You are completely obsessed.  And I have never seen codependency this extreme.  Don’t you want your life back?  Don’t waste your time on couples counseling–your bf is too manipulative.

Am I really reading this right?  You think you can’t leave your bf because it would destroy him?!  He could never love again?  Let’s not flatter ourselves here.  If *any* of what you have concocted were true, he would have to be hospitalized.

So why does he cry and carry on when you threaten to upset the apple cart?  Because it works on you.

He’s Hoovering you back in, using whatever tactics are most effective.  Of course he doesn’t want to lose you.  Where else is he going to find a devoted gf who will work slavishly for his business for FREE?  He has quite the nice set up going there.

Does he respect you?  I doubt it.  Why would he?  Does he even care about you?  Or are you just a useful appendage?

As for your poor, pitiful, woe-is-me histrionic bf:  for all of the racket he makes, he has yet to move one centimeter in the direction of providing for your security and well being.  You have nothing to show for your years of loyal service.  And you have no security.  If something happened to your bf, you’d be left out in the cold.  In fact, should he decide to kick you out, you’d be left with nothing.  If you can afford it, you can try a long, protracted, extremely expensive legal battle. 

So here you are, OP.  Others have said you’re right back where you started.  I must somewhat disagree.  I think you’re in a worse place than when you started.  You now obsessively think you can read bf’s mind and know every little nuance of every feeling he has or ever will have.  Just the sheer volume of postings on here are telling.  My hunch is, this is not your only board.  This is truly concerning.  You aren’t living your life.  You’re a prisoner of your obsession.  It brings you no joy.

I really don’t think you can pull out of this by yourself.  It’s going to require expert guidance.  Your behavior has become more intense and more worrisome.

Just know that you do NOT have the power to ‘destroy’ your bf.  You are not in control of him.  You are only responsible for taking care of yourself and with that, you need some help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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