- 4 years ago
I know it’s 100% exhausting.. and emotional on both sides. The most frustrating part is really the idea that I don’t think he understands the magnitude of what his lack of paying attention to my emotional needs and desires to move forward after a certain period of time together (and fixing at the right time rather than saying I know I know I’ll work on it) and he thinks I should basically forgive him because “who else has had the level of stress of building this company from the ground up with no outside help” (in his words) and yes he finally realized that it wasn’t fair to me that I was sacrificing a lot of what I wanted in order to be 100% happy with him all that time, but I was content because in exchange he did still show me love, care, affection, and we had a very exciting life and fun time together through our work together and just where we live etc. There was always something going on, something ‘fun’ that would seem to delay things more but yet we’d still enjoy each other’s company and actually want to do all these things together – even down to just eating every meal together etc. He never wanted to be apart.
Now he apologizes and keeps begging for me to give him an opportunity to focus more on me as he realizes what my emotional needs are and he wants to deliver on his promises and show he means it.. but yeah, the issue is through all the years of my emotions being put on the back burner, it obviously made me hesitate if I was even in the right relationship anymore for the long haul considering I wasn’t sure what exactly about him would change other than him speeding up a timeline for marriage/kids mainly because it would make me happy and he doesn’t want to lose me.
He’s the kind of person who is very closed emotionally to most other people, and I know this would scar him in the sense that I don’t know if he’d ever open up again (I know, that’s not my problem) but it still hurts because he has done some amazing things for me over the years and he’s been dependable and reliable and always there for me. However I guess I have to think of that more in a physical sense, rather than emotional sense.. he wasn’t there for my emotional needs when he saw I was breaking slowly but surely, and I never held anything in. I always always spoke my true feelings and told him how I felt. So he was never blind sided by anything really.. he just didn’t get it for so long, maybe because he hadn’t fully grown up or, because he really let his work consume him to a whole other level. It could be both.
He acts now if I really leave him that i am making the biggest mistake, losing something good.. he was going to make it all work.. and no he never made a promise of a timeline for a proposal then let it pass and didn’t keep his word, it was more the concept that he just never made one to begin with until 7 years later. Which he didn’t think was such a big deal because if you love someone whole heartedly, you know the future will work and you hang in there because you love the person. I know love isn’t all it takes though… so I recognize that. It still just makes it hard bc I still now feel like I’m the one doing the hurting and heart breaking, yet I know I have to remember all the hurt I went through as well.
Trying to be super strong and listen to my own advice, I just get scared bc I still do have a closeness with him that was special but.. I know I need to stick to whatever my gut keeps telling me to do even though it’s so painful