Post # 91
elderbee : Agree 100% if he does not step up soon he is full of it, but based on OP it sounds like she is confident he would now step up.
This is what’s mindboggling, she got what she want but now she does not want it? OP just seems like the type that cant ever be happy and will always be searching for something she wont ever get.
Her guy clearly has issues, but dont they all? His seem alot less than most.
OP is clearly fighting with herself because if you go back and review all the posts its almost as if 2 people are speaking–1 thats in love and wants to spend the rest of her life with him and another thats miserable and cant wait to get rid of the guy.
Just does not make any sense how it can be both extremes and my guess is if she got the proposal in a very very SHORT reasonable amount of time the 2nd part would go away and she would be in love and her issues would all go away based off everything she keeps saying and if she doesnt get it asap she needs to move forward with her life and never look back again.
Post # 92
Shesaidyes : +1000. So much THIS
OP. glossing over the fact that your most recent post is another non-update, this guy is being ridiculous. Wtf is he crying over when the ball is- & always has been- in his court?! I would feel sorry for someone who was heartsick because their partner didn’t want a future with them, but in your BF’s case, he could have what he (allegedly claims!) to want if he would just STEP THE FUCK UP! That’s literally all he has to do- which wouldn’t be a big deal if he truly wanted what he claims he wants. He’s in his 40s ffs, your bio clock is TICKING LIKE THIS to quote Marrissa Tomei, you’ve been devoted to him for years, even helping him build his business with no equity or security for yourself. What the fuck is he waitng for?!
I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to open up to anyone else again after this! His absolutely narcissistic and nauseating level of self- pity and self-absorption is repugnant. Where are his tears for what he’s put YOU through? For how unhappy YOU are? It’s all about him 24/7 to the point of pathology.
He wants one last chance. But ONLY one last chance that doesn’t actually require him to do anything right now or in the near future, only a last chance that is really all about buying himself more time to mislead you so he can have his way in the here and now.. What he actually wants is to string you along some more on his terms and to have you be okay with it.
Post # 93
So I didn’t read everything, but it seems like you don’t believe he has changed. What would he be able to do to show you that he’s changed? Figure that out.
When I was in a similar situation with my last relationship, I struggled for months whether or not to end things. I finally asked myself that question. I needed to see him SHOW me love, not just tell me. And to pull his weight with the household tasks. I eventually told him not to tell me he loves me anymore, but to show it to me. For about a week he was able to do that, but quickly went back to his old ways.
Maybe what I did was wrong, but it helped me make the decision and now I’m with a wonderful man that shows me love, and not just tells me what I want to hear.
Post # 94
kacee74 : I appreciate you looking at it from the other side, and honestly I have taken all advice to heart from both here and also the close people in my life, but I know at the end of the day it all comes down to how I feel and my decision and I know everyone would support it either way. I wasn’t ever completey disagreeing with any of the posts on here, actually the advice and comments were very similar to what people in my life who know me and him and the situation well and seemed like common sense, I just also of course still care and love him and we have a unique relationship especially since our work experience and goals have given us a fun lifestyle together and ability to enjoy each other and each other’s company.
However.. at the same time, I have been trying to dig really deep into all these issues and my real question to myself has been why I have to some degree always had slight doubts from the beginning. There were bigger picture issues that were completley out of his control – such as growing up a bit differently, not in a bad way at all just in a different way. He’s worked almost his whole life because he has grown up as an only child in entertainment so he didn’t get a chance to have the most ‘normal’ upbringing, even though he comes from a very together and close family.. he’s not fully the same religion as me, he’s somewhat half, which ended up becoming an issue much lower on the totem pole for me once the other ones surfaced to the top actually – so in the beginning that always was a very slight question of how I would handle that for future and if it was exactly what I wanted, but I guess because everything else was so fast moving and exciting and we had a real closeness, it made it easy to always overlook and think hopefully it will get resolved and better. That, among the lack of real sexual intimacy from the start was always something that bothered me in the back of my mind despite our good days.
As the years went on I just hoped that he would be able to open up deeply and communicate with me on real relationship topics so we could be 100% certain that we were on the same page with everything we wanted for our future, and that became the problem when he wasn’t able to do focus on doing that all these years up until now. I knew these were issues that were either going to get sorted out and resolved or not, and the fact he focused so much more on the stress of his business and neglected really getting deep with me and actually working hard to solve these things early on in the relationship just made me resentful..?
At the same time I realize now he is trying to come around completely and tell me he will give me what I want (but, it’s still sort of within his boundaries, like he wouldn’t convert or anything which I know isn’t the worst thing and I could compromise on that IF everything else felt completely as good as it could be) but there just seemed to be too many what if’s and uncertainty in a way, and I know he’s telling me he will “not let me go the rest of this year without a proposal if I decided to give it one last try and we worked it out” and I do believe him on that, it’s just a matter of was I ever 1000% madly in love with everything about him and what we were together, or were there too many doubts, even though he is such a good person and we did and do have a very close connection and bond and lived well together? That’s what kept making me go back and forth, because it wasn’t horrible and I didn’t hate him at all and he was there for me in so many other kinds of ways.. but now is it too late for me to come around completely?
I am still afraid of both aspects of losing him completely (it’s hard for me to imagine my life without him in it at all) but I’m also afraid I waited so long that what if I don’t find the right person and my biological clock is obviously ticking? That scares me too! Both sides of it scare me but I know I have to listen to everyone’s advice and go with my gut no matter what direction that is.
Sorry for the long winded response! I know I write a lot! :/
Post # 95
Did you know most people fear change more than they fear death? Yet statistics show change is very beneficial to us. I think what you are fearing most is this big change, and isn’t that a silly fear when you come right down to it? You have struggled with this unhappiness for years yet you’re not fully able to give it up because change is so much scarier.
So so don’t change anything. Let him make the decisions within his boundaries. And maybe you’ll be happy, but you’ll always wonder what if. And I do believe once you get married to him, that’s the day you’ll regret the most. The day you’ll realize that your fear is ruling you. Maybe you’ll get over that too.
You only habe have one life to live. Make sure you don’t wish you had done things differently in the end.
Post # 96
You know what would be really great? If you were to harness those writing skills of yours and channel them into projects that are worthwhile and productive.
That would be great.
Post # 97
I’m sorry OP, I cant follow you any more , it’s not the length of your posts, its that they are going absolutely nowhere, and it seems obvious to me now that you are using this board to avoid doing anything in your real life .
Good luck , and I hope it all works out .
Post # 98
elderbee : +1, I’m sorry to say.
OP, there’s nothing wrong with posting many long posts, and you seem like a good person and everything, but God, I just feel exhausted for you. I wish you the best, whatever you decide.