(Closed) One of my BFFs has turned into the female version of Shallow Hal…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
38 posts
  • Wedding: December 2013

honestly i don’t know if saying anything will make a difference. she needs to learn for herself. everyone has their own personal journey when it comes to relationships. i would probably do the opposite and stop talking to her about her relationships. 

and what does turning 30 have to do with it? different people take different time to mature and grow and find the right person. for some it happens sooner and for others, later. 

Post # 5
9578 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

She really is going to have to learn for herself.  You can’t change people’s behavior.

I met Fiance at 27 but before then I was pretty positive I was going to be single at 30 since I’d only had a few (short) relationships in my 20s and I always seemed to pick the wrong guys.  Lots of flings and small things, but no serious BFs except for my one in HS.  But I would MUCH rather have been single than in a relationship just to be in one.  Which is why I didn’t have many long relationships.

I just got lucky and met Fiance when I wasn’t looking for anyone and it just worked out.

All she can do is learn on her own. 

Being 30 and single isn’t a big deal to me, and it shouldn’t be to you.  I would just support her and my advice would be to tell her NOT to settle!  The worst thing she could do is settle for a relationship/marriage just because she doesn’t want to be 30 and single.  Because how can she meet someone wonderful and perfect for her if she’s settling with someone else?

Post # 6
2625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Let her learn for her self.

Post # 7
8453 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@MrsNewDay:   There is nothing that you will ever be able to say to anyone that will make them instantly change a personality trait.  I consider myself to be pretty shallow (must be over 6 ft, can’t have brown eyes, can’t have dark hair/skin, can’t be too skinny, etc), but it works for me. 

Post # 8
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Everyone’s got their own path to take, there’s not much you can do. Maybe invite her out to places where she’ll meet better quality guys who are more mature & might be looking to settle down. 30 isn’t old, a lot of people are still single in their 30s and love it. It’s better that she meets the right guy, even if he takes a little longer to find.

Post # 9
634 posts
Busy bee

The most successful relationships are the ones that last long enough for us to both watch each other’s beauty disintegrate into old age. If she’s just going for looks, she needs to understand she won’t find those in old age. In contrast, I do thing finding people sexually attractive is important pin a relationship.

Post # 10
1935 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

@MrsNewDay:  I was friends with a girl who was pretty much the same. She wouldn’t date guys unless they were a 10. At one point, she actually brought me on a date with a guy (I had no clue it was a date, I thought it was just a baseball game that a lot of friends would be at) just because she wanted to have an escape route. Her reason? He was kinda “heavy.” Nevermind that he was an AWESOME guy. She spent the entire time on the phone, texting people. It was horribly awkward. And just to clarify, she’s not a 10 herself, and carried a few extra pounds. So I guess the saying about people in glass houses… well, yeah. 

Anyways, she ended up meeting a complete and total douchebag co-worker of mine who gets off on talking over people and generally being a dick. I guess they’re happy now, I wouldn’t know because I haven’t talked to her since I got engaged. She never even wished me well or said congrats. I think it was a combination of her jealousy and the brewing resentment I was harboring. 

Anyways, people like her (and some of them are nice people) will learn. Looks fade, people grow old. Someone that is kind, funny, passionate, and smart will keep you happy for much longer than a nice smile and a six pack. 

Post # 11
2453 posts
Buzzing bee

@MrsNewDay:  There is nothing you can say to her that you havent already. You can mention your opinion if she asks for it, but you cant choose dates for her or make her settle down with a nice guy.

I have a similar friend situation. She has low self esteem and goes for “hot” guys (who are not hot to me, but whatever) they treat her like absolute dirt (well the one from the past 8 months anyways) never answers her texts or calls until days later when he feels like it, flakes constantly (3 times in 1 weekend), only comes over after 11 at night (hmmmm),never takes her out on dates but they “agreed” to just be friends. I kept trying to tell her that even casual hook ups are not supposed to be so much stress. She cries all the time and says she is going to end it and then 2 days later texts him to say hello. I have tried introducing her to nice guys but she always says “ehhh”

She likes douche bags. Thats her style, even one last year (repeated on/off again hook up) had one guy call her a piece of sh*t, his family is nice because they feel bad for her etc etc and she hooks up with him a week later (but no kissing per his rule) and when i asked WHY she said because he is hot??!!??


I will give my opinion when asked but other than that, what can i do? She doesnt listen and wants to continue down this path because her priorities are jacked up.

Post # 12
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I really can’t imagine any situation where that convo goes well….I think you need to let her figure it out for herself. 

Post # 14
107 posts
Blushing bee

I was that girl.  I passed up amazing, great guys for incredibly shallow reasons.  Guess what: I wasn’t ready to settle down, even though I thought I was. 

People mature at different rates.  Just because she’s almost 30 doesn’t mean she has to be married.  When I met my fiance at 32, all my shallow objections went out the window.  He swept me off my feet because I was ready to settle down (and not a minute before then).

Leave your friend alone.  And yes, you do sound smug.

Post # 15
3215 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Maybe the things you deem as shallow are important to her. In our group of three longterm besties, two of us are married/commonlaw, and one is perpetually single. She refuses to date any man shorter than 6 feet tall. Seriously, if a guy is 5’10 tall, she will flat out look past him like he doesn’t exist, regardless of how sweet he is. That’s HER prerogative, and quite frankly, there’s nothing for her to “learn” as PP have suggested. Some women have different standards than you, and they see something in every guy that they date. It’s not up to you to compartmentalize her dates and cross reference their qualities. 

If she’s ever desparate to get married, she can simply jump of eHarmony and take the first match she gets. 

Post # 16
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

It sounds like she’s having some fear of intimacy issues… She’ll work on it when she’s sick and tired of being miserable with the “wrong guys”  It’s just one of those things she has to work out on her own.  I think it’s wise to avoid the topic of guys and dates with her.  I have a friend like that who is 34.  (I think she’s 34.  Somewhere around there)  I’m just sick of listening to her drama.  And it’s always drama because she picks some real dirt bags.

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